out on the ny streets with boundaries a lack

So I see CD-guy today and tell him about the lovely world Ive been living, moving to the beach, getting rocked by Rugby and the lessons I’m still grateful to have learned from his bail-out a few months before.. And while I’m reciting the new found insights of boundaries vs guard and the “Shame” Tedtalk from Brene’ Brown.. he asks, “Am I looking at you like you’re a piece of meat?” while he gleams into my eyes and touches or hugs me repeatedly. I mean I’m literally telling him I have NO boundaries or a lack of and that by taking a roommate here in NYC for pretty much my first time since the college years, which was really not as wonderful as I hoped since 1 of the roommates barricaded our front door with my furniture when he was made to come home after I made it off academic probation and he did not, so he was upset.. at me? I guess.. and the other roommates I had for a semester, 1 ended up turning dark, drunk and suicidal so the other one was glad I was going so he didn’t have to protect me any longer. Sounds more dramatic than it was… but there were guns and metal music involved. So telling CD-guy about my excitement for the growth that a roommate may bring and the exercise in boundaries, speaking up for myself and stating my intention… that a roommate will be good for me to work on sharing space, communication, speaking up for myself, boundaries, caring less what someone thinks (especially since I’m paying rent, granted this is not OUR home we share, I’m renting a room in HER home, which carries another line of rules) I did not need to be greeted with personal touching on the street or kissing in front of his job’s door. And more-so.. my lack of pushing him away or hitting him for 1st: not listening to me, my intention or my words about my lack of boundaries; and 2nd: that I was tested and failed on this aforementioned lack of boundaries is just more for me to grow from. I haven’t seen him since I left in November and we left it on a weird note of inappropriate touching in a mutual masturbation evening of awkwardness.. I guess now, I can see why he didn’t respect my boundaries or lack there of then since I gave it a go but here, while I’m literally pouring out my insecurities and understanding for me needs of change and self respect and he’s just crossing the line? really? I just let it happen? shame on me… I WILL get this! I swear! I am going to feel mean and scared in the process. Scared that by pushing someone away that likes who am I without the strength to stand up for myself in these types of situations.. scared that he may not like the “new” self respect and stupidly, I care about what someone else may think.. Well… more issues for me to deal with… challenges to overcome. I’m just trying to not beat myself up in the process of learning.


CD guy

I don’t get it!!! WHAT happened?? How did we go from something to nothing in no time flat?? It hurts my patterns. It hurts my heart! My self esteem and ego are bruised and I don’t get it!! I WISH I understood!

I’m told by my friends to not contact him as I don’t want to appear “crazy” BUT… WHAT THE FUCK?? What happened? Don’t I get answers? Don’t I deserve that?? Wait until after the weekend… It’s been about 4 days since I called him to “check in”. He has not called back. I thought he was dealing with all the shit that he’s spelled out for me… gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking too much, loss of interest in his job, maybe wanting to travel, to move to West… his birthday.. all piled up into a ball of mess for him as he’s laid out for me in our late night talks and walks and kisses. I saw him a week ago when I brought him a balloon for his bday at his work… maybe not the best move but he said he liked me coming over and that it was nice. I sang a song on his machine the next day after our late night texting in which he responded… “not feeling too hot, call you later :)” in a text. That was Saturday last week and I’ve heard NOTHING!!

This is the guy that left a party, late night to meet me in a coffee shop for an hour just to see me while he darted glances giggling telling me how excited he was to be around me since he had envisioned who he wanted in his life and that “vision board” picture was of me. My personality, my look, my hair, my humor and there we were sitting in front of each other. e kissed me for the first time on my stairway with fumes leaking from his body. I was drunk off of him. He showed up! That was a big step for me! A first step because the attraction was apparent. He didn’t come to my bday party the next day because he was embarrassed to tell me that he didn’t want to show up too early and he didn’t want to show up too late so he just stayed home, dressed, feeling silly for not making it out. BUT he showed the a couple nights later at a bar where I had a few people out that also didn’t make the party for various reasons. He TOLD me he’s usually shy but not with me for some reason, that he was self conscious and sorry for missing my party as he held my hand walking me home where he grabbed me in front of a school, pinning my arm behind my back kissing me because he couldn’t help himself. His touch stimulated my heart and soaked my underpants. We talked everyday practically and a couple days later he texted me to see where I was remembering I prefer to talk on the phone, called me and told me to stop where I was he was coming to meet me. I was exhausted but he convinced me so I sat in a bus stop on 14th street until he walked…ran the 3 avenues to find me. We sat there kissing, my head on his shoulder too tired to moved while he removed my shoes, massaging my feet from my long day then grabbed my bags and walked me home. “I have to take you on a date” he said. Ac couple days later.. he texted “where are you right now?” And again, walked 4 avenues to meet me after I left the dentist, in a book store, with my lips numb.. we walked back across town and had lunch in the park. I walked him back to his work and we shared a small kiss (It was in front of his work, you know…I didn’t want to take the initiate so he did saying “oooh, that was nice, that’s great”, eyes closed… I didn’t hear from him the next day Tuesday or even Wednesday so tat night I initiated the text and a call. He responded to the text with humor but didn’t answer the call. And nothing Thursday. Friday morning he texted “Sorry I didn’t call back, I had a long day”. I asked if he he a full day. Yes. And asked if he had made plans for his birthday which was the next night and he was going to go to see his family. I showed up at his work with a large balloon and a card. He kissed me “hello” and we shared some time, about an hour, before a coworker showed up. I stayed a few more minutes and he walked me to the elevator, giving me a small kiss. Later that night I asked if he brought the hula balloon to jersey and he said he was still in the city, he’d go tomorrow and the balloon stayed at work. We texted a few times and I said that he’d get a bday song in the morning and we said goodnight. The next morning I called and sang him his song on his machine and he texted back a few minutes later “Not feeling so hot. Will call you later :)” AND I’ve not heard from him since!!

Why do I want the unavailable ones? The ones that show me that they are not going to continue to show up and be kind to me?? WHY are THOSE the ones I want so bad in my soul?
Why do I think oh.. THIS ONE is going to be different?? MY pattern brings only the SAME ones to my life and give me the same worthless reaction. Self-esteem issues and insecurities!!

I KNOW he’s been struggling with a few life things because he TOLD me so. SOOOOOO Why is he ignoring me now?? AND more importantly… WHY do I care to stay in contact with someone who does NOT want to be in contact with me?? I’m just hurting myself by perpetuating my patterns. HE’S not doing anything!! He is just living his own life with whatever gets him through, which is apparently not talking to me! I just don’t understand what changed?!!

When I was a kid my dad would hole himself up away from me for 3 days at a time. Lights out, dog in his bedroom, no movement, silence. He would walk past me and say nothing! Eventually a note on the kitchen counter or a phone call would emerge telling me to call his secretary (which was his girlfriend) in the morning to set up a time to talk after hours. WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE!! I felt it was a punishment and I don’t think Ive recovered from that feeling. Years later he tells me that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad but it was his way of controlling himself from saying something he may regret in the moment. But to me it was the most painful abandonment imaginable! So I have this horribly painful pattern of going after the ones that push me away! I have made myself sick over trying to understand it and let the ego go. I DO intellectually understand it has nothing to do with me but emotionally?? I’m a young child being pushed away because I did something bad and silence is my punishment. I know I didn’t do anything wrong here with this one! This is NOT my issue! BUT I am raw with my little girl insecurities and need to be acknowledged and liked. When will this end??

What about me??

I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I’m willing to put up, which I know is more than most, I’ve always known that but the thing I’m trying to figure out is why? WHY is the dream so much easier to believe than the reality? Why is the fantasy so much harder to give up? The hope that the promised will actually come through?? Well, it’s not! It hasn’t!! Why do I still struggle with my own self worth?? Why do I hold on so long?? or give up so easily?? Which I know is a contradiction which is why it hurts!! “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”. Why do I give so many chances to other people but less to myself?? And why is my chance worth less? Why do I still pick boys?? If I say goodbye to this one, will I learn my lesson? Why do I find or keep people in my life that are not willing to fight for me? Or why do I give up on myself so easily? a few days ago… I didn’t call him back after he didn’t call the day before but him saying “if you don’t contact me today, I’ll consider us kaput” invoked my fear of HIM going away rather than me realizing that I am worth more. WHY have I not kicked him off by now? Is it the people pleasing in me? The desire to not be looked upon unfavorably? to be the better woman? to keep the hope alive that it could turn out better and he could actually show up for me? I feel like I’ve been fighting to keep HIS theory alive but the reality is… it’s not even 2 months of knowing each other and there have been waaaay too many issues to overcome and recover from to make this work. UNLESS.. fuck me for saying it… FORGIVENESS is what it is and not lack of self worth. My mom said… “he’s only asking for this one thing, give it to him.” I KNOW that this is a LOT of EGO!! BUT, BUT BUTTT!!! It’s NOT just this ONE THING!! and I’ve asked for things, not even too many.. just basics like: lead with something nice and call me something endearing and cherishible rather than off-putting… SHOWER for FUCK’s SAKE! Follow through and be consistent with your actions and words. AND again, there’s a lot, a lot, a lot of ego but as I look back on it the stuff that’s been really good, cherish worthy has come from me! My hope was that we could make a go of this and build something strong enough to make it through a few months apart or weeks if he came to NY but my “plan”, my “expectation” has been laughed upon and dismantled as I would’ve liked to have avoided. My expectation is that I am IMPORTANT enough to myself to not settle for crap in my life. It feels abusive at times and I feel silly others for feeding my ego. Writing this calms me down at points and stirs me up at others. He has called 3 times and texted once in the last few hours, finally leaving a message scared that I won’t talk to him so he can tell me all the wonderful things he’s come up with since we’ve been apart and he’s come out of his hole.. of course, after the party in which I was not allowed to attend at his house. WHY do I care??? Let him suffer! Get a taste of what it feels like.. if he’s capable of those feelings.

Better choices, Computer-guy, better choices!!

I hear YOUR voice in my head saying “How can you let someone treat you this way?” or “Why would you let someone treat you that way?” YOUR VOICE!! And you’re the one that’s treating me this and that way. YOU!! AND Now I hear my own… WHY do I let YOU treat me this way? Why have I continued to ALLOW the poor treatment from you, someone I care about push me away and keep me at arm’s length? and continue to make excuses for this distance. Why have I allowed myself to pushed aside? Made fun of in front of other people and talked down to sternly, like a child; not listened to? I hear angry neighbor and the fear or anger in you by the way you choose to so selfishly discount me and my feelings. Negating my distaste for being called “Nice-lady”. “You’re a nice lady” has come out of your mouth more times than I care to count as I’m not sure, humor? a supposed endearing nickname? EVEN though I have expressed my adverse reaction to it… you don’t seem to CARE at all!! Not one tiny cell of you wants to HEAR how those words push me away. MY reaction is not favorable and you don’t seem to care! That’s a “B” choice ifI’d ever heard one!

What happened to the guy I talked to on the phone that asked me to “fall in love and get us off the internet”? What happened to the guy that said “I’ve reached my destination” when we were together? “Being together IS the destination”. The guy that RAN 9 blocks to bring me a photo of our walk through the canals because it was Valentine’s day, the traffic was stopped and you didn’t think you’d have enough time to spend with me? The guy that brought me flowers and thai food so we could spend time together while I house-sat in Burbank at my mom’s home? The guy that sent me “I miss your face” and “kisses” texts and song lyrics about “cherishing” and articles about “cherishing and relating to each other on a continuous daily basis without bringing in to the next moment a previous experience? the guy that couldn’t wait to talk to me and spend the day with me? WHERE did HE GO??

Your ACTIONS and WORDS do not match up!! Or do they?? In week 2 you were upset because you were SOOOO horny around me because you hadn’t been attracted to someone in a way you were attracted to me and you couldn’t control yourself so you SHUT DOWN instead. WHY would I even HAVE to explain myself to you or anyone I’d known for 14 days why I wasn’t ready to have to sex with them even though I had been honest about my past, maybe too honest since you felt pushed aside and didn’t care to “cherish” my words only react in a childish, selfish manner. YES, we had both had sex with many other people before we had met but to me… this was a clean slate; you, a new person… new experience to cherish. But I was made to feel that there was something wrong with ME!?!! The cherishable response is to just “accept” that I would be ready when I was ready! NOT cut off, blame me and withhold touching, telling me that maybe we should just be “friends” then… you’re in “no rush!” Really?? then why the pushing? and disregard for me and my feelings? But of course your words say “I am listening to you… you’re not ready so I have to respect that and just not touch you”. THAT’s MATURE!! You do’t get what you want so you’ll take away ANY contact? Only above the neck, you said but then would get upset if you or I wanted to touch a chest… silly games!!

Also at 2 weeks.. you told me that you “loved me”. We laid on your bed after some sort of “session” and you looked me in the eye and said “I love you!” I did not return the words but the feeling was the same as I kissed your lips. Then next day you said, “if we make it through the month, you’d give me a front gate key.” The next few times we saw each other you would tell me we were “just friends”. We went to Palmdale and I told you some personal issue I was having and you turned it on me abrasively telling me I had sexual hang-ups and there was something “wrong with me” because after a couple hours of “intense discussion” I couldn’t come up with answers to combative direct questions, completely disregarding the fact I had asked you if we could just stop talking for a few minutes while your hands tucked under your leg closest to me while sitting int he same car. I had to convince you to take yourself out of your bubble. a “bubble” I’ve grown to know very well in these few weeks.

When you see me after driving… you need some “time to recover” from the traffic. When we are around people in a restaurant you wince and shut me down if I speak to anyone because it makes you uncomfortable… so squish me to me make you less uncomfortable which you won’t feel anyway since you never really feel super comfortable in your “social awkwardness”, as you put it. You have realized that you get snippy and spiteful toward me when we are around your friends for the fear, maybe, that I may cling on to them after we break up… as you’ve voiced to me. Expressing to you that that’s not my style and to please not judge me by your past girl’s methods… it’s happened twice now, in front of YOUR friends.. the people who care about you and want to see you happy. You belittled me with “you’re an actress” and “my property in the ghetto”. Again, not “cherishing and not even NICE! In fact.. quite the opposite! YOU even realized you did it the first time and told me you didn’t want to treat me that way but you did it again, when around YOUR friends again at a party at your home. You made reference to “upper middle age vaginas” and that would have been just fine if you had not referred to ME as upper middle age, which I am NOT! AND take offense to. This was amongst not just your roommates this time but others you work with… awesome! When I brought it to your attention, you dismissed it and made it tout to be MY problem! You bubbled off again. My going to New York has been an “issue” for you in my opinion and if it’s brought up as it was, by you, that night while we lay on your bed while we spoke of you moving your computer set-up out of your room since it was agreed upon as not being a healthy choice for you now.. you said that as soon as I was gone you’d move it back in anyway? I asked you if you were ok with me going and you said it was a decision I’d made before you were around.. in such a flippant, bubbled off way and when I asked you about keeping me at a distance and if that was one of the causes you defended yourself and lashed out at me then telling me we should talk about it another time so I got quiet to honor that and you were upset that I was quiet! There was NO way to WIN! You squished me on the walk to breakfast with your friends, telling me I “wasn’t in control of this adventure!” And NOT allowing me to ask questions of the cashier or get all our food out on the same ticket since it might embarrass you so instead your friends were uncomfortable because our food came out so much later and I was feeling disrespected and unable to be myself.. squished!

When you came to my house for the “weekend” without a change of clothes you slept! We were going to get up at 4a, walk down the street and watch the “levitating rock” slowly move through the roads. We didn’t get up for this. You were disgusted at the thought of my being “excited for you” to see it! It had been something you had been tracking and I was excited to take this adventure with you. You pushed me into defending my position of excitement and glee! That I could have no reason to be happy about something but soley because you were. That was an icky feeling for you. After our Saturday jaunt to the Valley to get my goddaughter and drop her in San Pedro we made it to the Malibu Vineyard, where you felt tired and shut off so I drove a sleeping you back to my home and we napped. I thought we would get up but we didn’t except for a late night trip to the pizza place where you wouldn’t let me talk to the waitstaff so instead we waited about an hour for 2 slices of pizza, then we came home and slept. You told me not to get “feelings involved”…’don’t FEEL anything”, while we were laying mostly naked intertwined after I had just “pleasured you for over an hour while you ate ice-cream in my bed. When I rolled away saying “that’s not very nice” you called me “poopy”. Then after a few moments asked me to roll back over because you were feeling close, too and that’s why you said it. Do you know you’re NEVER apologize for any of these hurtful statements? The words “I’m sorry” do not come out of your mouth without a “but” behind it? or an explanation to justify your crappy, uncaring comments? I don’t get a hug when I am hurt or my feelings are uncared for… I get a “reasonable explanation”. My tears don’t get wiped, you get defensive and I get scolded. THIS is not my idea of “cherish”. After this “fun-filled” napping weekend… we were both on our Ipads and you mocked my choice of playing a game while you read the NY Times. (I had taken the plastic off the Ipad by this point… another story in which MY choice for me and MY comfort for myself with an object that was MINE was mocked and unacceptable to you). I got up to take a shower and you did not join me. You lay in bed until the last moment then we began on our walk of doom! I thought it was brunch but it was a way for you to bubble off and for me to defend myself. After a mostly silent meal with a harried pace and a lot of tension resulting in me asking you to “lead with something nice” and mocking saying “I guess we should break up then” since NONE of ANY of what you were upset about was a big deal to me but a way to keep me at bay.. we walked in mostly silence, anger and frustration with a lack of understanding for each other. When you got home you realized that you were anxious from being away from work so many days and that not taking a shower does not make you feel human and thus more agitated and that maybe you should’ve taken a shower after all.

After you left my place that day… 3 weeks ago, things were not the same! That was the last time you came here or even attempted to come here. You began to shut off, got more combative and reclusive.

There have been times when you have asked me to make sure to tell you to get up from the computer, to take a shower, to eat something and also telling me that it’s not my responsibility to make sure you do any of that. How confusing is that?? You have been leading a very unhealthy lifestyle as productive as it has been… it’s been extremely unhealthy. I think if it was not for your roommates, you would have perished 😉

You told me you had thought of buying me flowers 3 times but ran out of time; that you would cherish me with a picture every day in which I received 2 of; that you love writing letters and would send me poetry and cards in which I’ve received none… IT’s ALL TALK!! And very little follow through! At least it stopped so quickly that the words have not matched the actions and the actions speak way louder that the words as we both agreed.

The last 3 weeks have been distant and awkward; filled with silence, disconnection, miscommunication, agitation, emptiness and hurt feelings.. at least from my side of the fence. There has been seemingly from you, no desire for connection except a random phone call most days whereabouts you are not listening to or seeming to care about anything that’s going on with me, mostly not even asking anything. You have been intolerant, moody and disinterested but somehow managed to go to a birthday party of a friend’s father. THAT could grab you away from the computer for a few minutes with me or to show up to an event that means the world to me as my mentoring show or even the few minutes to take a shower so you may in your words “feel human” around me is unfathomable!

I asked you weeks ago about your birthday and you said you didn’t want to be the center of a party you just wanted to throw a party but decided against it as the only days that matter in your world are Burning Man. so I made arrangements to be in Catalina with my goddaughter as that was the best time for all parties. I asked you because Birthdays ARE special to me… a day in which extra special cherishing happens. After our horribly uncomfortable lunch last week in which we broke up, didn’t break up… confusion.. you decided to have a party after all. in which I was not informed of for 4 days after the invite went out. I did not know about it, you said, “because you’re not my FB friend”. REALLY?? I have to be your FB friend for you to tell me that you are going to have a party for your birthday???? We’ve been dating for almost 2 months!! AND THEN the day before you call me to “talk to me” about having me NOT come to the party and all the reasons you can think of of being and acting selfishly so you can maybe “be romantic with me the next time we see each other”. HOW do you think THAT is going to work??? By PUSHING ME ASIDE AGAIN but this time surrounding a time in which I feel is special because you are not sure how I am going to handle you not “being a couple” as you want to do your own thing and throw this party?? That “in the past” IN THE PAST!!!!! NOt relating in the NOW, from the person that I have SHOWN YOU TO BE by MY PAST with you!! That your selfishness, and self-proclaimed at that, selfishness is all you’re asking for!! YOU want a day to unwind, NOT see “the woman you hold dear in your gut”, the woman that you have thought of marrying someday… YOU want to EXCLUDE me from your life another day, WITH your friends, so you don’t have to think about me or connect with me in ANY way… BUT THAT’s ALL YOUR ASKING??? oh.. and for me to be OK with that so we can be “romantic” the next time we see each other? WHY would I let someone treat me that way??? WHY WOULD I LET YOU Treat me that way??? AND WHY would you want to? If you “cherish me the way you “believe” you say you do… Laughing at me when I say I should be a reward for you finishing your project telling me I’m funny for thinking that?? well, I think I know where we stand!! Because I’m a “nice lady” I guess I shouldn’t be affected by any of this! I should continue to “cherish” and “love” someone who is too afraid to get “feelings” involved that it’s better to push me away with actions and words alike rather than “getting caught up and falling for a beautiful woman because you can lose yourself in their power”… Well… I want to be with someone that I don’t have to raise! To bring through a relationship or teach how to be vulnerable and let go.. someone who actually LOVES someone other than themselves! Because when push comes to shove… I will ALWAYS be a Nice Lady but I refuse to allow myself to settle for this shit anymore!!! I don’t deserve to be treated like crap by ANYONE especially by someone I care about deeply! I’ve cried too many times in the last few weeks to keep caring about this or you. It’s time to care about me again!!!

How did we get HERE Computer guy?

With a lump in my throat and a welling being squished down as to NOt feel it in the moment. Squished in the moment… This is how I’ve been feeling lately.

I think we’ve reached our limit here, Computer-guy. I asked you to take a shower. A SHOWER. Not a huge request. A request that you asked me to make sure of since more than 2 times now you have realized that you are not “human” (maybe my word) until you have awaken fully. Eating and taking a shower are 2 ways to wake you up and make you feel more yourself so as I was driving to bring you “lunch” because I didn’t think we were actually going to see each other, even though we had plans for that evening or if we did actually see each other, I wasn’t trusting that you were going to be “present” with me. To enjoy me. Cherish OUR time together, face to face since you have been in your “computer bubble” for not a couple of days as you expressed your distaste for my reaction but for almost 2 weeks now, which I was not going to argue at that point. You said I have made a series of “B” decisions instead of “A” decisions. And that “cherishing” is also to cherish myself in each moment. Getting “upset and pouty” are “B decisions” to you not taking a shower and that we could’ve enjoyed our time together if I had chosen an “A” decision instead. NOW, isn’t choosing to not take a shower a “B” choice in itself? Calling me to see when I’d be getting there and beginning the call with “You’re going to be disappointed. I didn’t take a shower”, in a sing-songy tone is taunting and anything BUT cherishing. You knew I’d react unfavorably and still this was your choice. You then got upset when I was not “happy” and smiley to see you after I called back and asked you to at least brush your teeth to which you responded… “Hey, lady, you’re the one coming over here. I had other things I needed to do than take a shower. I didn’t ask you to come over.” So HOW do you expect me to respond? What “A” choice do I have? You deliberately made a choice that knowingly would have this affect and then you were accusatory and belittling when I reacted the way you requested.

You have been absent for a couple weeks and tell me that it’s been a few days and that it’s better to know now how I am going to react in such a negative way when you have to work like you do. That you “saw my call” and you answered the phone and THAT in some way is cherishing me? Answering my call? It’s not cherishing if when you answer the phone, you’re vacant or combative. To tell me when you came over 2 WEEKS AGO. TWO WEEKS and saw I had flowers in my home, that you had thought of bringing me flowers 3 times but didn’t because you’d run out of time. Run out of time to show someone you were thinking of them? You were late every time we met except the time we went to SB. That’s selfish not cherishing!

You were repelled by the thought of my being “excited for you” by wanting to wake with you at 4a to see the “rock” move through the streets but then when the time came.. all you wanted to do was sleep. You slept for 2 days, waking only to ask for a blow job while eating ice cream, a late night pizza run, which I was more than happy to provide, which was a huge waste of time and a brunch that launched the quick demise to our “cherished present” because as you stated later, you should have taken a shower and that you were not fully awake and by being away from work for 2 days, you felt anxious to get home. so we fought! and you left! to go see the “rock” that you told me you didn’t care about anymore at LACMA.. alone! I asked you to “lead with something nice” when I felt your negative energy and slow isolation, which apparently had nothing to do with me but exhausterbated by my cheerful conversation with the waitstaff and long 3 block walk to get some food.

Where’s the CHERISH?? I’m getting pushed around and then when I have a thought or feeling about it I’m being told I’m making “B” choices. WHY are you not accountable for the other half? Why is it only MY fault?

We decided not to exchange the parking passes on thursday since the last 5 minutes of our time was wonderfully pleasant. Even though I brought it up you were also saying that our time had come. You said “You are not happy and I don’t want to be the one making you not happy. We’re just taking up space for someone that will” THAT is the same thing as “let’s break up” even though those 3 words didn’t come out. It’s the same sentiment, buddy. “Well, at least we know now and it wasn’t an fight and no one said striking words, it’s better to end it this way”… is also saying we are breaking up! So saying that you never said it… is placing the blame on me again!

Computer-guy lights the way

So I can handle with absolutely no issues, plans changing during the day. I expect it! I welcome the challenges of manipulating events to fit between my scheduled uncertainty. BUT I am NOT as ok changing the plans when the sun goes down. Why?? What’s the difference? I mean really?? Does it really matter that I have to eat by myself or go to a movie or drive to an event alone? I mean really??? This is stupid!! It does not! So then why do I pout when my expectation is not met with a forced changed that I, myself, did not conjure up?

Is this a lack of control thing? I feel like a baby at times and this is not the best foot I can put forth for someone I care about! Is this more testing on my part to make sure I matter to him? More pushing! and for what?? I know perfectly well he is flat out busy. I’m acting like a baby and I KNOW I’m doing it!! Childish! He’s been busting his ass setting up for a charity party while I, what? I could have gone to the spa? or have taken a longer nap? Really??? How selfish am I being? like a huge spoiled baby! He’s working his ass off, sweating, moving heavy lights by himself for days now and I’m complaining about feeling pushed aside when he changes the plans on me? Well, in my defense… we were asked to meet the hosts at the party for dinner at 6p and that was my plan so then being asked to meet at 530 at his place to go together seemed just fine. I had enough time to “pretty up” for him since i love being “shown-off” and the charity event for the “through the lens foundation” is a perfect moment to spend with him in a social setting. Right? Well, then the call came at 5p as I was driving away, saying we weren’t going to meet at his place at 530, that I should meet at the party at 7 and we would go back to his place so he can change and we could have some “cuddle-time” before heading BACK to the event. Now, this did not seem logical to me so I suggested I just meet him at 6p like we had planned and then HE could go back home to change while I helped out with the party if they needed me. He said that wasn’t comfortable for him so I should eat and come after 730p. OK… THAT made me feel pushed aside. The plan would’ve worked out just fine if he had planned for the worst case… that he would run into a time crunch and had just brought clothes to change into at the event since he was adopting the family as his own anyway and they him, I’m sure a quick shower would’ve been completely reasonable.

NOW, it was getting to my threshold of nourishment and I was NOT feeling included in the plans nor was my assistance being recognized. I have some BRILLIANT IDEAS!! And I know not everyone thinks like me or plans for the un-planable as most do not carry 4 changes of clothes in their car as I do for unseen changes as this. All I wanted was to show up, look pretty, kiss my man and enjoy the party! THIS was not too much to ask. Did we have to arrive together? NO. did we have to LEAVE together? NO. I just wanted to be there with him (a clean shaven, well dressed, great smelling version of him) as I was putting in efforts to look good for him. I didn’t want to be a second thought nor, if I stopped to think about it truly as an adult in that situation instead of a bratty child, my abruptness on the phone was uncalled for. If, in that moment I was able to remember that all I wanted was to support him and all the efforts he was making, volunteering his time, services and expertise… I could’ve cut him some slack. He deserves that. He’s an amazing man and I’m foolish for being so self-centered. Pout, pout, pouty lips

I’m sitting behind him right now, with headphones playing Vivaldi in my ears as the room shifts from light to dark with each sequence of numbers and letters he programs for the greater. All I wanted was to be near him today. And… he is still letting me 🙂

Oh, and the event was a huge success! He made that place feel magical! The tacos were fabulous, I won a silent auction photograph with my first sentence spoken “I can do it!” Well, mine was really “I do it” as I pushed my mom’s hand away while she tried to feed me… (side-not finished)… and an Ipad3. I’ll take the wrapping off this one 😉

Getting through it… Computer-guy

In only my panties, violently making my bed one pillow at a time; throwing the comforter down, we argued as he was clothed even to his boots! His BOOTS!! What is the fucking problem?? So what? that I don’t want to take the plastic off the Ipad! Does it really matter THAT much?? And if so.. WHY?? Why is this such a point of content? YES, he’s right, I’m sure… It makes more “sense” to unwrap it and feel the glass as “that’s how it was intended to be used!!” comes out of his mouth with force but it’s MINE and I don’t want to take it off. Let it go!! so He did… out of the warm embrace on to the cool hardwood floors, into the bathroom to dress himself all the way to his shoes as that was the breaking point! The plastic on my computer? Even his shoes he retreats inside the protection of bubble wrap as to shield himself from the issues and from me! This is ridiculous!! Who gives a fuck about the plastic on my Ipad? And would should it bother him soooo much if I leave it on? It’s my comfort and it’s MY machine! So what, that I want to protect it from scratches even though he explains that “the glass can not be scratched by metal or anything else for that matter” and that he would “buy me a new one if it was scratched or damaged but it couldn’t be unless I was to take a diamond and rub it on it’s face” and that I am “being silly for thinking that any harm could be done to it” and “that it’s not being used the way it was intended” and that he knows this for a fact because this is what he does! as he escalates when he realizes that it’s not even a plastic cover I bought for it but the “fucking plastic that came with it!! And that it doesn’t PROTECT ANYTHING!! He gets out of bed and gets fully dressed as to walk out because he wonders how my “OCD” about the fucking plastic could lead to other mental problems down the line” and again… WHO FUCKING CARES??? THAT I FEEL BETTER WITH THE FUCKING PLASTIC ON MY OWN FUCKING IPAD??? We’re going to end the relationship over something like this??? He put on his SHOES!!! He says that he needed to remove himself from the situation before he said something he didn’t mean and that I was acting out of line and that he wasn’t raising his voice or getting out of control, which again is WHY he got up (so aggressively) to get completely dressed down to his shoes and how can he not see that he’s pulling away?? He’s NOT acting any more rationally than I am and he believes he’s right and I don’t care if he is because having the plastic RIPPED off something that is mine feels like a violation of me and my comforts for myself and I’m still working on “protecting me” with “boundaries” that make sense for me and I KNOW they are not RATIONAL!!! I don’t say they are but they are mine and should be cherished as some of the “cute stuff I do” rather than a disorder. I have a different way of reacting to the way something makes me feel and he’s got his SHOES on! Not just that he had to remove himself, even abruptly, to I don’t know, grab a glass of water, go sit in the other room, pace around… but he flew the comforter off, abruptly sprang from the bed which we had shared (for the first time, mind you), gathered his belongings and was storming out! Because of something sooo stupid!! I know this is “area of expertise” and it may bump up against my “comforts” but to wrap up, shut off and walk out? That’s a bit extreme and will only push me to shut off as well, the exact opposite of what we are looking for here. This is ridiculous!! and all the while… It feels like something being forced upon me that I’m not in a place to take in at the moment. My time is different than his is and my comforts are on a different pace. We want to make it through such petty arguments and disagreements. I am ready to call it quits for something sooo amazingly insignificant, neither of us able to give up or “rightness” or our point of view in the moment how stupidly small. AND again, he’s fully dressed… I’m red-faced, still naked except for my white lace-sided panties. A comment shared later on as the heat turned to understanding and a very wet shared shower! “Make-up sex?” I asked as I knelt down engulfing him with my desires, after conditioning his hair as his hands washed every inch of my body. “Not really, since we weren’t really fighting”, he fired back. “Please? as I kissed him into submission; bodies pressed up against each other, water penetrating our erotic heat and new level of communication. What a way to get through a morning and one more step in understanding the complexities of each other. I am blessed to be where I am! Still looking for a nickname for him that sticks… I’ll give BB a try.

Computer-guy void

Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

I had a good day yesterday.

I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

Me either.

This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!

Computer-guy thai night

I sit here on the bed in my mom’s home waiting patiently for a thai dinner brought to me by a man I met about a week ago. CRAZY!!

Yesterday we spent the most wonderful day exploring the Ellwood Butterfly Preserve in Goleta as my offered suggestion in the continuation of the lifecycle of the Monarch butterflies and our budding “relationship”. There was absolutely no taboo subject. We spoke of other people we are struggling with, dating, had dated, loved and we were never in search of the next word spoken. Our silence was golden as we sat on a log mystified by the fluttering movement in the Gum trees ahead. The flow in which the flying insects circled in the thermals searching for the partner to take respite in shielding from the cold was invigoratingly calm if that even makes sense. We strolled through the pathways until our tongues met for the first time on the edge of the end of the earth.

Angry neighbor had done a number on me as I was reaching my door to embark on my adventure up north, screaming at me about again, about how horrible I am and how non-apprecative and disgusting I am that I didn’t acknowledge or thank him profusely for bringing flowers home from a job that I could plant in the front yard. I’m really a shit!! AND THAT’s WHY I’m SINGLE!! Whatever, angry man!! That was a wonderful way to begin my SB adventure! An hour later than I had anticipated, dropping my car in front of my dad’s since it was the most middle of where we came from and were going! Computer-guy had his own “issues” with a recent “angry-crazy” so we spent the first hour or so regaling the lovely tales of our past mistakes.

He’s really handsome! His eyes sparkle something beautiful! His teeth are a bit fucked up but that’s his own self conscience limitation. Imperfections are endearing to a point and he’s cute! He’s wearing cargo pants, a red thermal under a ‘t’ and his Venice Beach silver glasses.

There was no subject too great for us! And the story begins!

I better hit the bath to pretty up for my thai dinner! So weird that I didn’t even really have to think about it too much… just WOW… I’m going to bring someone to my mother’s filth? Her space of cluttered pain? Well, at least it’s not my home… yet! Though I did lose my virginity in the next room… CRAZY!!

Producer/Writer-Wife Guy

After months of not hearing from him at all… he’s appeared and I’m pissed off!! I get a text “Hi. Hope you’re well” to which I respond “Thanks, who is this by the way. My phone didn’t give me the contact info”. “P.D. your fav buddy” and this shoots daggers out my eye balls!! I don’t respond. Another text from him a few hours later with :(( sad faces and still no response from me. Another the following day “well, anyway… we are shooting a wonderful film in LA and I thought you’d be perfect for it. My blood curdled!! and I just lay into him.. “Thanks. But really I have heard that offer from you too many times over the years and unfortunately you have never honored that. I’m not interested in keeping up dialog with you. I don’t trust it, sorry. I would have loved to have done any one of the films you told me about throughout the years or claimed to be writing parts for me in if I thought you were treating it is a business endeavor, P. That was how we met over 6 years ago, if you remember… Business!! Which just turned out to be inappropriate communication while you were with your girlfriend, turned fiance, then cheating on your wife. I don’t want any part of that. Which is why I erased your number from my phone.” OHHHH I was pissed offfffff!!!

“huh?” I thought you’d be wonderful? and my number got erased? Totally confused. Last time I saw you… we had a nice visit at Aroma Cafe on sunset. Haven’t see you or talked to you since 😦 ” 4 hours later… because I did not respond.. “Soooo did I do something to make you mad?

No response!!

2 days later… “god bless” from him and that was it!!

What pisses me off is that there is still that part of me that wants to believe that he will do the right thing and follow through on all the promises he made throughout the years. He;s written, directed and produced 20 films since we met. 20 FILMS!!! and asked me to or claimed to have written parts that never materialized in 4 of them. And it SUCKS!!! Because maybe with all this time passed… a few years.. MAYBE he WOULD actually do right! My hope for that to be the truth is what makes me sooooo angry! But every time we saw each other it would be followed by weeks, months of texts from him telling me how much he missed me or that he was in love with me or that if I had ever told him I had feelings for him, he would never have gotten married, that she meant nothing to him.. GROSS!!!!! It is sooooo sleazy it makes my stomach turn! And even more because we actually got along sooo well that if we had met under different circumstances, I would have loved to have been in a relationship with him but when we met I was just barely out of a super sad breakup and he had a girlfriend, which didn’t seem to stop him in the slightest as even sitting at our first lunch, which I thought was to talk about his projects and my place in them, he texted my phone… sitting with him… how much he was attracted to me. It made me sooo uncomfortable but the hope that he would make good on his words, the fragile vulnerability I was feeling and the actual “connection: of friendship we were establishing, kept me around.. at a distance, mind you, but around all the same. I always felt bad for his now wife… knowing that he could have such strong feelings for someone else, me and still marry her. God, I hope he’s treated her well because he didn’t speak too wonderfully about her.. nothing negative but rather an indifference and I never wanted to be thought of that way by anyone!

OHHHHH I wish it could have been different! ALL of it!! Fuck!! and Fuck off!!!

Am I actually building boundaries or just carrying around old anger?