Computer-guy void


Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

HIM:
I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

HIM:
I had a good day yesterday.

ME:
I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

HIM:
Me either.

ME:
This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

HIM:
And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s