With a lump in my throat and a welling being squished down as to NOt feel it in the moment. Squished in the moment… This is how I’ve been feeling lately.
I think we’ve reached our limit here, Computer-guy. I asked you to take a shower. A SHOWER. Not a huge request. A request that you asked me to make sure of since more than 2 times now you have realized that you are not “human” (maybe my word) until you have awaken fully. Eating and taking a shower are 2 ways to wake you up and make you feel more yourself so as I was driving to bring you “lunch” because I didn’t think we were actually going to see each other, even though we had plans for that evening or if we did actually see each other, I wasn’t trusting that you were going to be “present” with me. To enjoy me. Cherish OUR time together, face to face since you have been in your “computer bubble” for not a couple of days as you expressed your distaste for my reaction but for almost 2 weeks now, which I was not going to argue at that point. You said I have made a series of “B” decisions instead of “A” decisions. And that “cherishing” is also to cherish myself in each moment. Getting “upset and pouty” are “B decisions” to you not taking a shower and that we could’ve enjoyed our time together if I had chosen an “A” decision instead. NOW, isn’t choosing to not take a shower a “B” choice in itself? Calling me to see when I’d be getting there and beginning the call with “You’re going to be disappointed. I didn’t take a shower”, in a sing-songy tone is taunting and anything BUT cherishing. You knew I’d react unfavorably and still this was your choice. You then got upset when I was not “happy” and smiley to see you after I called back and asked you to at least brush your teeth to which you responded… “Hey, lady, you’re the one coming over here. I had other things I needed to do than take a shower. I didn’t ask you to come over.” So HOW do you expect me to respond? What “A” choice do I have? You deliberately made a choice that knowingly would have this affect and then you were accusatory and belittling when I reacted the way you requested.
You have been absent for a couple weeks and tell me that it’s been a few days and that it’s better to know now how I am going to react in such a negative way when you have to work like you do. That you “saw my call” and you answered the phone and THAT in some way is cherishing me? Answering my call? It’s not cherishing if when you answer the phone, you’re vacant or combative. To tell me when you came over 2 WEEKS AGO. TWO WEEKS and saw I had flowers in my home, that you had thought of bringing me flowers 3 times but didn’t because you’d run out of time. Run out of time to show someone you were thinking of them? You were late every time we met except the time we went to SB. That’s selfish not cherishing!
You were repelled by the thought of my being “excited for you” by wanting to wake with you at 4a to see the “rock” move through the streets but then when the time came.. all you wanted to do was sleep. You slept for 2 days, waking only to ask for a blow job while eating ice cream, a late night pizza run, which I was more than happy to provide, which was a huge waste of time and a brunch that launched the quick demise to our “cherished present” because as you stated later, you should have taken a shower and that you were not fully awake and by being away from work for 2 days, you felt anxious to get home. so we fought! and you left! to go see the “rock” that you told me you didn’t care about anymore at LACMA.. alone! I asked you to “lead with something nice” when I felt your negative energy and slow isolation, which apparently had nothing to do with me but exhausterbated by my cheerful conversation with the waitstaff and long 3 block walk to get some food.
Where’s the CHERISH?? I’m getting pushed around and then when I have a thought or feeling about it I’m being told I’m making “B” choices. WHY are you not accountable for the other half? Why is it only MY fault?
We decided not to exchange the parking passes on thursday since the last 5 minutes of our time was wonderfully pleasant. Even though I brought it up you were also saying that our time had come. You said “You are not happy and I don’t want to be the one making you not happy. We’re just taking up space for someone that will” THAT is the same thing as “let’s break up” even though those 3 words didn’t come out. It’s the same sentiment, buddy. “Well, at least we know now and it wasn’t an fight and no one said striking words, it’s better to end it this way”… is also saying we are breaking up! So saying that you never said it… is placing the blame on me again!