How did we get HERE Computer guy?


With a lump in my throat and a welling being squished down as to NOt feel it in the moment. Squished in the moment… This is how I’ve been feeling lately.

I think we’ve reached our limit here, Computer-guy. I asked you to take a shower. A SHOWER. Not a huge request. A request that you asked me to make sure of since more than 2 times now you have realized that you are not “human” (maybe my word) until you have awaken fully. Eating and taking a shower are 2 ways to wake you up and make you feel more yourself so as I was driving to bring you “lunch” because I didn’t think we were actually going to see each other, even though we had plans for that evening or if we did actually see each other, I wasn’t trusting that you were going to be “present” with me. To enjoy me. Cherish OUR time together, face to face since you have been in your “computer bubble” for not a couple of days as you expressed your distaste for my reaction but for almost 2 weeks now, which I was not going to argue at that point. You said I have made a series of “B” decisions instead of “A” decisions. And that “cherishing” is also to cherish myself in each moment. Getting “upset and pouty” are “B decisions” to you not taking a shower and that we could’ve enjoyed our time together if I had chosen an “A” decision instead. NOW, isn’t choosing to not take a shower a “B” choice in itself? Calling me to see when I’d be getting there and beginning the call with “You’re going to be disappointed. I didn’t take a shower”, in a sing-songy tone is taunting and anything BUT cherishing. You knew I’d react unfavorably and still this was your choice. You then got upset when I was not “happy” and smiley to see you after I called back and asked you to at least brush your teeth to which you responded… “Hey, lady, you’re the one coming over here. I had other things I needed to do than take a shower. I didn’t ask you to come over.” So HOW do you expect me to respond? What “A” choice do I have? You deliberately made a choice that knowingly would have this affect and then you were accusatory and belittling when I reacted the way you requested.

You have been absent for a couple weeks and tell me that it’s been a few days and that it’s better to know now how I am going to react in such a negative way when you have to work like you do. That you “saw my call” and you answered the phone and THAT in some way is cherishing me? Answering my call? It’s not cherishing if when you answer the phone, you’re vacant or combative. To tell me when you came over 2 WEEKS AGO. TWO WEEKS and saw I had flowers in my home, that you had thought of bringing me flowers 3 times but didn’t because you’d run out of time. Run out of time to show someone you were thinking of them? You were late every time we met except the time we went to SB. That’s selfish not cherishing!

You were repelled by the thought of my being “excited for you” by wanting to wake with you at 4a to see the “rock” move through the streets but then when the time came.. all you wanted to do was sleep. You slept for 2 days, waking only to ask for a blow job while eating ice cream, a late night pizza run, which I was more than happy to provide, which was a huge waste of time and a brunch that launched the quick demise to our “cherished present” because as you stated later, you should have taken a shower and that you were not fully awake and by being away from work for 2 days, you felt anxious to get home. so we fought! and you left! to go see the “rock” that you told me you didn’t care about anymore at LACMA.. alone! I asked you to “lead with something nice” when I felt your negative energy and slow isolation, which apparently had nothing to do with me but exhausterbated by my cheerful conversation with the waitstaff and long 3 block walk to get some food.

Where’s the CHERISH?? I’m getting pushed around and then when I have a thought or feeling about it I’m being told I’m making “B” choices. WHY are you not accountable for the other half? Why is it only MY fault?

We decided not to exchange the parking passes on thursday since the last 5 minutes of our time was wonderfully pleasant. Even though I brought it up you were also saying that our time had come. You said “You are not happy and I don’t want to be the one making you not happy. We’re just taking up space for someone that will” THAT is the same thing as “let’s break up” even though those 3 words didn’t come out. It’s the same sentiment, buddy. “Well, at least we know now and it wasn’t an fight and no one said striking words, it’s better to end it this way”… is also saying we are breaking up! So saying that you never said it… is placing the blame on me again!

Computer-guy void


Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

HIM:
I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

HIM:
I had a good day yesterday.

ME:
I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

HIM:
Me either.

ME:
This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

HIM:
And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!

Valentine’s Day.. hooray!


What a lovely twist of events to bring a smile to my eyes this evening. I was to have a brief break between appointments and stuck in Santa Monica with only the dread of stagnant traffic looming. With a few “good deeds” (coffees for a few from down the block, a dog retrieval, cupcake reward) I was back to Starbucks (NOT my first choice, btw) to meet Computer-cherish guy for a few minutes before braving the parade of red lights before resting my fingers on these keys and my stuffy head on my pillow.

He said he’d have a “surprise” for me. Not eatable or bulky but flat and 5×7…I didn’t even have to get out of the car… how could I resist? His penmanship is strong, bold! He passed me a card he made with picture he had taken while we strolled through the Venice canals a few days before and tickets to Disneyland for Valentine’s day. How super sweet indeed! “Anytime” was all it said inside. He was nervous to see me, yet calm on the outside… he said so. We hadn’t even hugged hello. There’s an ease with him I enjoy and don’t feel I have the energy to question.

With traffic still piling up and 2 cupcakes staring us in the face, we decided sushi was the best option. He held the box as we crossed the street and made it to a middle table inside the bustling child-infested restaurant. We talked about just about everything under the sun and he kept revealing his interest and surprise of the flow of subjects that seamlessly fell from our mouths. We spoke more on the subjects of “cherish”, burning-man, drugs, dates, exes, future, goals, friends, children, families, dancing and strong partnering, the roles of men and women in today’s society and where they get blurred, learning in general and much more that my brain is stopping me from remembering at this moment. He tells me he’s “nervous” around me and enjoys the newness feeling. He wants to make-out with me but I’ve made it clear that I would prefer a clear breathing passageway before that was to occur. He understands but is less than thrilled by this. He wants to hold my hand or touch my skin but refrains, this I can tell. We talk of allowing ourselves to “be” rather than forcing what we believe or perceive we “should be” to fit the ideals of others. He’s bothered that no one gave me flowers on this day, Valentine’s day. He’s embarrassed as I pay for dinner when he realizes he didn’t bring his wallet since we were only going to meet for a 15 minute cuppa rather than a ‘drive-by” window toss and dinner was never in the cards. He ran 9 blocks to meet me in time as the traffic was ticking the clock and our time was to be short. Actually parked his car and RAN to meet me for a few minutes. He would’ve preferred the rain coming down as the romance in that was greater than he could’ve imagined… it was cold enough, though.

This one’s a keeper… so far at least 😉

Computer-light guy


Cherish – a : to hold dear : feel or show affection for b : to keep or cultivate with care and affection : nurture
2: to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely

A word that changed his life after looking it up when he realized he had heard it too many times at friends’ weddings and found it usually went unnoticed.

Burning man is in his being, setting up camps, planning, co-existing in a creative world that was once and will never be the same again.

His dad was not fit after the Vietnam war left him with PTSD and with a fairly absent mother, he was left to fend for himself as were his 2 younger sisters.

He works for Apple, programming, while his left brain exudes creativity through photography. Moonlighting with a couple of DJ’s, he has figured out a way to program certain lights to sync to the beats they throw down from the comforts of his Ipad. A quest for knowledge of the intricacies of technology adds to his thirst for beauty.

We met at the parking lot entrance of Venice Beach. “the pier or the nature reserve?” I believe were my choices. I spun around in circles until I pointed to the left. His eyes were light blue, a thick head of locks beginning to grey atop his tall frame relieved me as my curiosity grew. Coffee was a must after my class and to begin this “meet and greet” of sorts and a stroll along the pier. We sat on a bench watching the birds flock to the newly caught fish tossed for their belly-filling pleasure. He’s sweet, calm, interested.

There were a few lulls in the conversation but that’s to be expected when only in the proximity of mere moments, though the flow was constant as we veered left, right, over and under a barrage of topics. Nothing was taboo, not even suckling the milk from a woman at a pretend “milking station” at a state fair.. like I said.. nothing was off limits.

It was easy, maybe because I wasn’t feeling 100% so the pressure to preform was released or just the confidence I had in myself in those moments? Whatever the case, I felt content just being me, without apologizing for it.

Our cups emptied and our stroll continued through the canals, passing by the few remaining caterpillars in the reserve. Still free-flowing our endless stream of consciousness.

With our winding footsteps finding our way to Abbott Kinney and our bladders filling, we stopped to gorge on veggies and empty our space at Lemonade. 3 hours passed and still we were engaged. Not a bad way to meet a new…

I took him back to his house in Santa Monica as he had walked from a Marina Burning Man meeting and was left without. He had to light up the stage that evening at a rave, I guess, later on, which I was invited to but with the sickness entering my nasal passages, I took a rain check.

I’ll see him again 🙂