Computer-guy void

Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

I had a good day yesterday.

I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

Me either.

This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!


Crush crushed..

About a 2 months ago I wandered blurred eyed, cramped pains, ruffled hair and dragon breath into Malaparte in the West Village. Periods can be an awful beast! My eyes locked with one of the workers and my mood instantly changed. And with a quick trip to the bathroom…. so did I. Hair smoothed, mouth washed out, makeup under the eyes… removed. Start again!

It was crowded and threatening rain so a seat at the bar was the obvious choice. When I emerged from the bathroom after “fixing” myself the open seat had been filled. I was handsomely escorted outside to brave the weather since this was my first request anyway. There was only 1 umbrella covered table and it was occupied. There were no indivual lights on the tables as previuosly described to me and the air was thick on this early August evening.

I had revisited this restaurant after walking by a few weeks before and speaking with this lovely hostess for a some time. She was the reason I came back. Her spirit and humor put me in a friendly space. I may have found a new reason… or 2. The vegetarian lasagna being one of them… yum!! YUM!! holy crap yum! And one of the owners… super YUM!!!

Long locks pulled in low pony, sparking eyes and a cool, calm demeanor. I was hanging out for sure! I had nowhere else to go. I had napped too long to want to spend my night indoors, the beautiful garden at my apartment was dark and soon to be drenched so… I stayed. And stayed. And stayed. I was basicall alone in dark but I didn’t mind because I had an envelope and a pen.

I wrote out my thoughts, frustrations, desires. And when I ran out of space, I was brought some paper by the waiter. Drips of warm water dropped upon my white table cloth, missing the ink from my thoughts. A few others braved the weather though under the umbrella. Every once in a while… HE would take a breath from the chaos inside.

It took a while, maybe an hour or two. I was a sort of respite it seemed. He would step closer with each break, inquiring of my writings, commenting on my next step of drawing comparing it to an artist he knew of; making sure I was well taken care of. At one point one of the bussers were sent out to hold my umbrella while it rained on my meal. He shared bits from his life each time my pen was placed on the table. A brother who’s successful and sister who’s not as happy with her decisions and him in the middle, grown up in Italy and the mid-west. A bond was forming of some sort; a trust. I felt this with each person that shared with me in various capacities in the almost 6 hours spent dining.

When I left, most of the employees gave me hugs but he stood at the register counting the days’ profits. I was sure that he would follow me out and ask for my number or race after the pink umbrella like in the movies. I got all the way home. Alone.

A couple days later after a long search, weeks, for this particular west Village coffee shop that seemed to disappear when walking west to east, it happened. I was grimy and disheveled from a yoga class and a summer walk… I found it! Jack’s on 10th! And as I walked in… there he was staring at me. My crush! What are the odds? The one day I actually find the joint and he’s sitting right there. Not at place down the street from his resturaunt or close to his home but the one place I’ve been in search of… amazing! One may even call… fate!

He walked me out and we talked all the way to the corner where we split ways… again with no number exchange. He seemed interested still. Why does he not ask me for my number? Maybe he’s shy.

A few days go by and I am a few hours from heading to JFK to go back to LA. My time was up and I was going home. I felt it necessary to write a Thank You note to the restaurant for taking such great care of me the night I was there. Well, that and to show them all how wonderful kind and thoughtful I was. I know this not even too deep down. I was grateful, though for the warmth and family like acceptance I felt so every one I was in contact with, got a personalized note of gratitude. HE was no exception and not an obsession though he was dreamy! I let them know I’d be back in a few weeks and thanks for the times spent so far! I was regretting that there was no contact info left for me, in case he DID want to reach me for some reason; no last name… ok… could be a bit creepy as I think about it now.. my thoughts not gesture.

When I get back to NYC a couple weeks later and wait another week or so… of course I stop by the place thinking there would be this wonderful reunion and everyone would thank me for the kind note and he’s have missed me and thought of what a fool he was for not making a move…ok, sometimes I live in fantasy because not only was the reception cold… no one remembered me at all. At least not what I looked like. I was told by the bartender that the note was sitting on the register and no one was too sure who wrote it. I knew the guy who held my umbrella, the hostess and HIM… knew who I was. Of course, the hostess was let go and the busser was back in Italy.

Now I feel a bit foolish as I had brought a friend, whom I told about the place and who had visited while I was away so they know her but not me. Great impression I made, huh? I didn’t even get a “hello” from him or as much as a glance. I did get a “oh, you look a bit different, you’re back”. Not the warm reception I was hoping for; that I had built up in my head!

I went back one more time a month or so later and was greeted with the same vacant excitement.

I saw him a couple days ago while I was crossing town and he was on his bike. I almost called out to him but what was the point? so instead, I went to the restaurant later that night to ask him some stupid question and I could feel the “you’re creepy” vibe coming from him as he couldn’t get away from me fast enough, barely making eye contact, short choppy answers and I was out of there! What’s the point? Crush? Crushed! OR Reality in check! Next!!


Wet Fridays… gloom or glee?

As I walked around the city today a feeling of lonely isolation mixed with open communication. Weird. I took a walk and shared a seat for an afternoon break with the girl I bought a jacket from at a consignment store. She’s a dancer, moving to Ireland to pursue her dreams with her boyfriend in tow as a “keeper” and “life-partner”. A 28 yr old with a great head on her shoulders and a vested interest in her happiness.

I was slightly uncomfortable inside with an ease swarming around. It was a strange place to find myself as I waited for her to take her break watching the rain come down outside. What was I feeling? Why was it uneasy? I guess the thoughts of Bra-Girl came up… After all, a connection is just that.. a moment shared between one another.

We sat in the coffee shop on 7th speaking of yoga, grocery Co-ops, dance, architecture, travel and life. It was a nice respite from the solo walking day I was encountering already. The half hour was up and we exchanged info and split ways and with my new jacket and umbrella in hand I set off to the East Village in search of this Chinese shop she suggested for a fastener for the new purchase. I popped into a few shops, grabbed a water break and searched for a place to recharge my phone. Another disconnect of sorts to be without phone battery. No way to get in touch even if I had people to be in touch with.

After being kicked out of Best Buy, I found myself on the stroll again. Silent sprinkles forced me under cover, further isolated from the world. It was a muggy rain so plastic boots, a rain coat in one hand, new light jacket and umbrella in the other I covered my head to keep the mane tamed.

From East to West I wandered, checking my phone from time to time to see if anyone was reaching out or responding to my attempts. Knowing only a handful of people in a new cityspace has advantages and opposite depending on the moment. This was not a time I was looking to make new friends though the idea of siting at a table all alone was not appealing for a Friday night. I was full of energy in my body but in a bubble as well. So how do I get myself out of this mood??? Find a crowded place and sit next to someone. The energy of a place alone will shift mine and since I’m not shy.. a conversation may be in the future.

Otto Enoteca Pizzeria  on 8th st/5ht Ave was the destination. Though my stomach didn’t want Italina in the slightest, I’d walked by this place too many times to not pop in. It was chalk full of smiles, wine and a bar for me to set my sights upon. Unfortunately there were no seats for me so the host was going to seat me alone. 45 minute wait to sit alone in a crowded happening Mario Batali New York restaurant on a fall Friday night. Um… sushi. There was an all you can eat sushi place a few blocks and at least if I was going to sit alone I could be at a window and really be alone. Boooo. This was not my idea of fun in the city that never sleeps.

A nice looking guy standing behind me was also waiting for a table and suggested that I join him and his sister so as not to dine alone. Oooo… THIS could be interesting. some guy and his sister, which may or may not be interested in having some strange woman take up space at her table. Thanking him, I got myself a drink and offered one for him as well. He declined. I had still not made up my mind. sitting at a table with strangers? Brother and sister strangers? Well…

She arrive and introduced herself, he had explained to her I MAY be joining them and she seemed wonderfully nice. Dressed up and energetic… I gave it a go. He paid for the drinks and we were off to share space.

He was wonderfully kind at times, complimenting his sister and her accomplishments and others pushy, driven and outspoken as he checked out women walking by. He doesn’t like to ask questions as the “middle” child states, “people will tell you what they want you to know”. This is good advice, I guess, though recently I have been making a point to ask questions of others so they are not always directed at me.

She’s just out of med school, a pediatric doc and he’s in finance. I didn’t delve as that’s all he gave me. They went to the same college and grew up just outside of the city with an older brother. She comes in to stay on his air bed and he wouldn’t have it any other way as she’s his best friend. Now THAT was super sweet. He held her drink when we walked to the table, her umbrella outside, paid the bill and was as proud as someone could be for a loved one. ALL wonderful qualities with Blue eyes and height to match.

She texted me both their info as we walked outside and he said “now you know 2 more people in the city.. almost doubled your ratio”.

I texted her back and FB requested, today, thanking her for allowing me to crash the party and I left him a VM, also thanking, and then asking to take him out for a thank you drink. Maybe I’ll hear back.. maybe timing was more than we think.

thanks for allowing me some company New York City peeps!!

LA – Sound Engineer Guy.. in my head!!

ahhhhhhhhhhh!! Why do I have to crush on the ones that aren’t worth it? The ones that disappoint? Why can’t I stop thinking of him..wondering… What the Fuk is his deal?? He knows we communicate well.. texting, talking… face to face; we’re attracted to each other; we get along and enjoy each other’s company while understanding each other.!!! WHY does this NOT interest him enough to “get on the ball”?? ARGHHHH!

I say “cancel” when random thoughts pop in my head. ANDfull body, “NEXT!!” when they are repetitive… I don’t get why guys are soooo dumb sometimes!!

Old School Dimples-guy

That was actually really nice. I’ve a smile in my cheek and his scent still circling my taste buds.

19 years ago I date a guy 9 years my elder. What was he thinking praying on young innocent, naive barely legals? The nerve!! He had the blue-est pools, a thick dark mane and dimples that touched each other on the palate. I was a smitten mess…if you enjoy tall, dark and handsomely sexy. We shared a passion for the arts and each other until the bubble burst when he slept with a “friend of mine” I can’t remember if we were still dating or he had ended it first but fucking a girl I hung out with… was not cool!! So… I slept with his bestie.. even-steven, so there.

We’ve run into each other at appointments or grocery stores in the neighborhood in the last 7 years but nothing ever came of it. Until today? Apparetly the “timing wasn’t right” was his excuse when he challenged me with the “what are you thinking” game. I said that we’d run into each other throughout the years so… why now? We recalled a moment at the grocery store and another when he was asking me out but I wasn’t responsive to it? “Oh, when you were texting me asking to watch a game and I said that I’d rather talk on the phone to which you said, ‘I’m not asking you out!” That time? I guess there was some miscommunication so I erased the number and that was that. He said he had wanted to ask me after an event  we both attended but there wasn’t any sign of interest. So I guess the timing wasn’t right.

So tonight after he followed though with the phone calls, texts and emails; after driving halfway further than he needed to pick me up for dinner,  we sat face to face. I’m not sure we ever dined 19 years ago.. ever! Tonight he opened my doors, served my spinach, put his arm around me and listened to my yarns spin. He’s as attractive as all get out and still gets my blood boiling.

I asked him in to check out my crash pad where I’m staying for the next few days before heading back to NYC. He had asked to walk me in.  Almost calm he stood near the bedpost of the studio apartment before slightly shyly sitting, not facing me on the couch. I was leaned in and he was facing out. Cute! He gave himself a tour or the space then  got stood up to leave and drew me in close. BAM!

Our bodies pressed together in a familiar unfamiliarity. Our lips met. Our eyes locked then closed. I thought this was going to be the goodnight kiss and he’d be out of here in a flash. Nope, not the case! He pushed me down on to the bed within arms reach and laid upon me body. We moved into a rhythm that was easy to get to coming up for air and the occasional words. “I wasn’t sure if we’d still have chemistry” he said. In a flip my bra was undone and hands found there way across my warm skin. “Is this really happening?” I thought at one point. “Why is he here? What does he want?” were fleeting thoughts. I felt more power than the last go-around so many years ago. We remember things about each other and our pasts together as well as apart but have lived a lifetime a gape. Does this hold a future? Why the connection when I’m leaving town this weekend?

He left his smell on my skin while the clothing remained intact.



reliving old ghosts

I feel like I’m calling in my past heartaches at the moment… only a few but enough.

Last week Isaw my ex-boyfriend when he shoed up at my grandma’s memorial. It was a familiar delight to wrap my arms around him. We broke up over 4.5 years ago and with his girlfriend of about a year and a half… we don’t talk much, though he’s always in my heart! Sooooo Much, so much 🙂

A could days ago I spent a drunken evening with my heartache from last fall where we actually got a bit physical after a few too many bourbons. We finally got to feel what kissing each other would be like and I think we both kinda liked it, as the song goes.

And then the blast from the very distant pass of a half a life ago still to sit face to face after all these years!

Why are they coming for me or better yet, why am I calling them into my life? 

I’m going back to NYC at the end of the week and maybe it’s to lock the doors that have been shut for all this time? OR to open the peephole to allow for some light? Could be just coinscience, I guess? I know better than that, though. Maybe it’s just so I can write a new post 🙂 It’ll come to me, I”m sure… It usually does.

Shakespeare-guy goodbye?

So yesterday I received an text from Shakespeare asking if “hey I haven’t heard from you in a while are still on for tomorrow?” Really??? Are we on for tomorrow’s show, where I introduce you to a friend of mine after not fearing from you all week following a brief TEXT exchange 2 days after our date. NO, we are NOT on for tomorrow, Asshole!! Of course, I didn’t respond with such honesty.. No… I chickened out and erased many of the original reactive responses ending up with.. “Sorry. No phone yesterday. No, I hadn’t heard from you all week so I made other plans.”

NOW, why did I have to lie about the phone? Well, the truth??  It made me sound better (or appear as if it sounded better) for not responding quicker since that was today and not within the “appropriate time-frame” for text etiquette. Why the struggle? Why care so much about what others think about me? I wish I didn’t feel so sensitive about it or could let go of the expectation or need to feel perfectly well-liked. I’M WORKING ON IT!!! the need to be more genuine and honest for me in my life!1 It’s not the way I’ve lived the last 37 years though the change is necessaary for me to live a more authentic truth. HIS response was “The phone works both ways, C-I’m confused with what happened with us?” ” NOW of course, placing the blame of the contact on me is NOt going to put me in a good place to start.

With my heart racing, anger building.. I take a breath and erase the first 5 notes I begin to text. I end up with… “When you have some time give a call and we can discuss as I’m sure there’s some confusion on both sides”. Breathe! An hour and a half later, I get a call from him, which I missed as I was out and about doing my thing. I called him back while I sat getting a free Mani after stumbling into heaven set for me only 4 days before my bday.. yea! Now I know full well that he is at work and from our last conversation, I found out that he doesn’t enjoy talking on the phone especially while AT work, which I can understand so after getting his VM since he has no reception in the office, I’ve decided to wait until he’s done before I try again. NOW this buys me some time, of course.. AND sitting in Bryant Park during coffee-happy-hour, sitting with a friend to hold ourselves accountable and actually do work, together, seems to be doing the job. It’s practicing the philosophy that I learned or am adopting into my routine is that of NEXT!

A healer-type person I see (energy chiropractor, dealing with energies and the central nervous system NSA and SRI-more on that another time) bestowed wisdom upon me which I have passed along to many following myself more times than not, right now, even though the “change” is sometimes a guttural struggle. She said to me, “think of dating as if you were clothes shopping. when you go to the store and walk up to the dress rack or the shirt/blouse rack you stand in front of it and with one hand you physically move along through the selections… ‘Next, Next, Next!’ If I gained 10 lbs, if I lost 5 lbs, if the buttons were different, the hem length, the color.. Next, Next, Next… If it was less money, a different color, the material was softer, too light, to heavy, Next, Next.. if I got it altered, if I altered myself, Next, NEXT, NEXT!!! NOW, think of it as if you had 30 minutes to get into the store, find the rack, try it on, pay and get on the road… You don’t have time to get it altered, alter yourself, change the color, price, collar or waste time contemplating whether it will fit better when you get it home, right? You move on! Most of the time you don’t think back on it in a day or two and if you do, maybe it’s still there and maybe not but for THIS event “your life” it has to fit for you in the moment, today! As IS! and if not… then… NEXT~! Move on and find one that does! NOW, this philosophy works it terms of dating, not as a superficial tool because nothing is going to be perfect but it has to work now, as is, for who you are, I am, we are and if not… no hard feelings, really. Nothing taken personally. It just doesn’t work, right now! Move on, NEXT!! I feel like I’m getting it more and more each time I move past, refuse to dwell or wonder what I’ve done or could have done, or why they didn’t or I didn’t feel the fit. Change is as easy as we allow it to be and in this moment.. I am looking to change myself to find a more relaxed, calm, happy me. For me and with me.

Shakespeare again.. #5 to be exact…

So, ok… I walked again and was late… again.. SHOOT me! I called, I was 14 minutes late. It was f’n HOT… not to mention I moved to the Village today so I misjudged the time it would take to walk in heels.

He was less than pleased, sort of joking but I called him on it and apologized for being late. He said I’ve never been on time, which I corrected him that I was early 2 times.. well 1 time and on time 1 other on time and maybe he should plan things 15 minutes later and give me an earlier call time. I don’t mean it. He says I’m stubborn and HAVE to walk. I’m not sure that’s stubborn.., thrifty, perhaps? Maybe I just enjoy walking?

Dinner was at a place, which I’ve dined, Frank’s Italian, in the East Village, his suggestion, so I didn’t want to poo poo his plan. He HAD a plan, mind you. The food was delightful; the ambiance was loud.. much louder than when I sat outside by myself talking to two salesmen from Oregon and Baltimore. He was razzing me about not remembering ALL of our conversations at the Vodka Bar last week. He revealed some of the lost memories with tales of his smoking and us sharing our admiration for one another.

We walk to a jazz bar a few blocks away; I hold his arm, he strangely stiffens up. What is with that? Why do guys think that if a woman takes an elbow or forearm that they immediately bend there arm so as to keep our hand from falling down? It makes them feel weird or at least stiffen up and walk differently. Sorry. Ok, so we sit outside on a bench in the now warming evening… a glass of booze, to which he claims not to be a lush.. oh!! We ended up at the jazz bar since I declined his offer to go back to his place to have a drink. Really? Is that where the night was going? ‘Cause I wasn’t feeling it go there. We had just spoken over dinner about how he didn’t kiss meon the 1st couple dates because he liked me but wasn’t sure that there was interest on my part so he HAD to kiss me on the 4th date or there wasn’t going to be a 5th date at all. “I wasn’t going to waste my time if we hadn’t kissed that night” he said to me. “Really? ‘Cause the difference I liked about you was that you didn’t shove your tongue down my throat on the 1st meeting”, I replied. THIS was our dinner conversation. Really? do you think I’m going home with you?

Our evening ends with him waiving down a cab and putting us into it. “2 stops” he says.. his, then mine, claiming he forgot I had moved to the Village.. ok! Again, asking if I was going to come over. I say “another time” and he’s off with a slight peck.

Crazy! not a word about seeing each other again. No text or call today.. another thing he told me he didn’t like was talking onthe phone nor my delayed responses in text. “replies should be immediate with texts” were his words. Wow, really? Not sure I’m liking him as much right now. Think that sex thing is the main thing on his brain and not getting to know me… that’s too bad… really.


Toes guy – afternoon rendevous

It’s nice to see him . My body gets a bit moist as I know he’s on his way. I wait outside but have to pee bacly so Igo next door and notice that bright red blood is tormenting me. This is the WRONG  time for my period to come early!! Shit! shit, shit,shit!!

He’s made it in and is standing at my door when I finally get up the stairs.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.. Maybe we can go for a walk? He closes his eyes and kisses me placing a green glass bead in my right hand.

TG: It’s the one I made for you, I hope you love it!

super sweet that he did that!

TG: You make me nervous.

we sit on the couch

ME: Why?

TG: I’m not sure.

his head down, embarrassed.

ME: Still?

TG: Maybe more shy, I’m shy around you when I first see you.

he takes a deep breath


I smile.

He tells me he was a few minutes late becuase he was getting a massage up the street at an Asian place.

TG: I’m not sure if they were any good”

ME: Why not?

TG: It really hurt.

ME: Really? What kind did you get?

TG: I thought Thai. I couldn’t get to China town to the one you were talking about.

ME: Well, sometimes massage hurts. Breaks up toxins.

TG: She climbed up on the table

ME: yea..

TG: and dug her elbow into me. I don’t think she knew what she was doing.

ME: Did she stand on you and hold onto some bars while walking on you?

TG: No, she just pushed really hard into one spot then another.

ME: Ouch!

TG: Yeah, then since I was waiting for you, she asked if I wanted 10 more minutes on my thighs.

ME: ok

TG: Then she turned me over and rubbed my thighs.

ME: ok?

TG: then she asked if I wanted 5 more minutes on my feet so I said ok… then she put her hand down my pants and…

ME: oh. ok.. and you let her?

TG: well..

ME: you didn’t say, “hey what happened to my feet?”

TG: no..

ME: so did you let her finish?

TG: uh, yea

ME:  Ok. Well, did it say “we don’t do that” on a sign or something?

TG: What sign?

ME: Was ther a sign that said “no special services? or no happy endings” or anything?

TG:  No, there wasn’t a sign. But I could go again,

he smiled as he gently kissed me

TG: and you seem like you could use it.

ME: I’m waiting to see if my period is going to start in a few minutes or not.

TG: Well, we better get it in quick!

we giggled. It kinda turned me on a bit…

ME: Well, you better be able to go again being that you’re young and you just had a great massage. with a full body release! and I didn’t even get my hands dirty!” I smirked as I climbed on top of him.

It’s kinda like living back as a 25 yr old, with the thought of  “this is as good as it will be so enjoy it while it’s here. If he had been my boyfriend with the expectation of a future and the containment of a conventional relationship.. then I might have been upset having some other woman touching my man but it was a story he was sharing with me and since we are just having fun, I feel I can her this stuff and also be totally honest with him. I asked him about this relationship with the guy he stays with while he’s in NY, if he’s ever sucked a guy’s dick, why he’s done modelling for gay magazines, how it makes him feel; we talked about how sometimes he’s so in his head that it makes it difficult to connect with him , like he’s a bit vacant. He told me that a girl broke up with him for that reason saying he was “unavailable”, we laughed about his high pitched voice and talked about how he cold “put some bass in it” and most of that was in the shower! Freeing! No holds, no expectation, the freedom to be me.

Reminds me of the first time I fell in love! I was 26 and he was 23? We met while we were both traveling in Australia and he asked me when I felt completely comfortable with him. What was the moment? I said it was when we were in Tasmania plaing cards in the tent. It was broad daylight and we were naked, cross legged playing gin or fish with other campers walking around and talking over us but we were just content, letting it all hang out!

Now I’m not saying that my brief time with Toes-Guy is really anything like that, but it does remind me of the unabridged version of me that I found back then. Toes-guy welcomes my questions and answers truthfully and honestly, even thanking me for bringing some things up for it helps him grow! It’s not a pickiness in the slightest, more a curiosity that I have or insecurities that he makes beautiful! Like him humoring my poignant talk of him calling himself a man instead of a boy. “If it makes you feel better, I’m a man” he said, smiling. “You ARE a man with super intelligence and passion that a boy doesn’t have. Be proud of that… AND it does make me feel better, yes! I bow my head. He has a degree in Bio-medical Engineering and one in Math, that’s a smart man with goals of family and invention while making this world a better, more ecofriendly,  24 hours a day, place. He loves watching our bodies move together and who wouldn’t love watching those stomach muscles tighten with each thrust! Hoo HA!! He lets me play and be free! I need that right now.. ok, always!! I have lots to learn from him, too.