out on the ny streets with boundaries a lack

So I see CD-guy today and tell him about the lovely world Ive been living, moving to the beach, getting rocked by Rugby and the lessons I’m still grateful to have learned from his bail-out a few months before.. And while I’m reciting the new found insights of boundaries vs guard and the “Shame” Tedtalk from Brene’ Brown.. he asks, “Am I looking at you like you’re a piece of meat?” while he gleams into my eyes and touches or hugs me repeatedly. I mean I’m literally telling him I have NO boundaries or a lack of and that by taking a roommate here in NYC for pretty much my first time since the college years, which was really not as wonderful as I hoped since 1 of the roommates barricaded our front door with my furniture when he was made to come home after I made it off academic probation and he did not, so he was upset.. at me? I guess.. and the other roommates I had for a semester, 1 ended up turning dark, drunk and suicidal so the other one was glad I was going so he didn’t have to protect me any longer. Sounds more dramatic than it was… but there were guns and metal music involved. So telling CD-guy about my excitement for the growth that a roommate may bring and the exercise in boundaries, speaking up for myself and stating my intention… that a roommate will be good for me to work on sharing space, communication, speaking up for myself, boundaries, caring less what someone thinks (especially since I’m paying rent, granted this is not OUR home we share, I’m renting a room in HER home, which carries another line of rules) I did not need to be greeted with personal touching on the street or kissing in front of his job’s door. And more-so.. my lack of pushing him away or hitting him for 1st: not listening to me, my intention or my words about my lack of boundaries; and 2nd: that I was tested and failed on this aforementioned lack of boundaries is just more for me to grow from. I haven’t seen him since I left in November and we left it on a weird note of inappropriate touching in a mutual masturbation evening of awkwardness.. I guess now, I can see why he didn’t respect my boundaries or lack there of then since I gave it a go but here, while I’m literally pouring out my insecurities and understanding for me needs of change and self respect and he’s just crossing the line? really? I just let it happen? shame on me… I WILL get this! I swear! I am going to feel mean and scared in the process. Scared that by pushing someone away that likes who am I without the strength to stand up for myself in these types of situations.. scared that he may not like the “new” self respect and stupidly, I care about what someone else may think.. Well… more issues for me to deal with… challenges to overcome. I’m just trying to not beat myself up in the process of learning.


CD guy

I don’t get it!!! WHAT happened?? How did we go from something to nothing in no time flat?? It hurts my patterns. It hurts my heart! My self esteem and ego are bruised and I don’t get it!! I WISH I understood!

I’m told by my friends to not contact him as I don’t want to appear “crazy” BUT… WHAT THE FUCK?? What happened? Don’t I get answers? Don’t I deserve that?? Wait until after the weekend… It’s been about 4 days since I called him to “check in”. He has not called back. I thought he was dealing with all the shit that he’s spelled out for me… gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking too much, loss of interest in his job, maybe wanting to travel, to move to West… his birthday.. all piled up into a ball of mess for him as he’s laid out for me in our late night talks and walks and kisses. I saw him a week ago when I brought him a balloon for his bday at his work… maybe not the best move but he said he liked me coming over and that it was nice. I sang a song on his machine the next day after our late night texting in which he responded… “not feeling too hot, call you later :)” in a text. That was Saturday last week and I’ve heard NOTHING!!

This is the guy that left a party, late night to meet me in a coffee shop for an hour just to see me while he darted glances giggling telling me how excited he was to be around me since he had envisioned who he wanted in his life and that “vision board” picture was of me. My personality, my look, my hair, my humor and there we were sitting in front of each other. e kissed me for the first time on my stairway with fumes leaking from his body. I was drunk off of him. He showed up! That was a big step for me! A first step because the attraction was apparent. He didn’t come to my bday party the next day because he was embarrassed to tell me that he didn’t want to show up too early and he didn’t want to show up too late so he just stayed home, dressed, feeling silly for not making it out. BUT he showed the a couple nights later at a bar where I had a few people out that also didn’t make the party for various reasons. He TOLD me he’s usually shy but not with me for some reason, that he was self conscious and sorry for missing my party as he held my hand walking me home where he grabbed me in front of a school, pinning my arm behind my back kissing me because he couldn’t help himself. His touch stimulated my heart and soaked my underpants. We talked everyday practically and a couple days later he texted me to see where I was remembering I prefer to talk on the phone, called me and told me to stop where I was he was coming to meet me. I was exhausted but he convinced me so I sat in a bus stop on 14th street until he walked…ran the 3 avenues to find me. We sat there kissing, my head on his shoulder too tired to moved while he removed my shoes, massaging my feet from my long day then grabbed my bags and walked me home. “I have to take you on a date” he said. Ac couple days later.. he texted “where are you right now?” And again, walked 4 avenues to meet me after I left the dentist, in a book store, with my lips numb.. we walked back across town and had lunch in the park. I walked him back to his work and we shared a small kiss (It was in front of his work, you know…I didn’t want to take the initiate so he did saying “oooh, that was nice, that’s great”, eyes closed… I didn’t hear from him the next day Tuesday or even Wednesday so tat night I initiated the text and a call. He responded to the text with humor but didn’t answer the call. And nothing Thursday. Friday morning he texted “Sorry I didn’t call back, I had a long day”. I asked if he he a full day. Yes. And asked if he had made plans for his birthday which was the next night and he was going to go to see his family. I showed up at his work with a large balloon and a card. He kissed me “hello” and we shared some time, about an hour, before a coworker showed up. I stayed a few more minutes and he walked me to the elevator, giving me a small kiss. Later that night I asked if he brought the hula balloon to jersey and he said he was still in the city, he’d go tomorrow and the balloon stayed at work. We texted a few times and I said that he’d get a bday song in the morning and we said goodnight. The next morning I called and sang him his song on his machine and he texted back a few minutes later “Not feeling so hot. Will call you later :)” AND I’ve not heard from him since!!

Why do I want the unavailable ones? The ones that show me that they are not going to continue to show up and be kind to me?? WHY are THOSE the ones I want so bad in my soul?
Why do I think oh.. THIS ONE is going to be different?? MY pattern brings only the SAME ones to my life and give me the same worthless reaction. Self-esteem issues and insecurities!!

I KNOW he’s been struggling with a few life things because he TOLD me so. SOOOOOO Why is he ignoring me now?? AND more importantly… WHY do I care to stay in contact with someone who does NOT want to be in contact with me?? I’m just hurting myself by perpetuating my patterns. HE’S not doing anything!! He is just living his own life with whatever gets him through, which is apparently not talking to me! I just don’t understand what changed?!!

When I was a kid my dad would hole himself up away from me for 3 days at a time. Lights out, dog in his bedroom, no movement, silence. He would walk past me and say nothing! Eventually a note on the kitchen counter or a phone call would emerge telling me to call his secretary (which was his girlfriend) in the morning to set up a time to talk after hours. WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE!! I felt it was a punishment and I don’t think Ive recovered from that feeling. Years later he tells me that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad but it was his way of controlling himself from saying something he may regret in the moment. But to me it was the most painful abandonment imaginable! So I have this horribly painful pattern of going after the ones that push me away! I have made myself sick over trying to understand it and let the ego go. I DO intellectually understand it has nothing to do with me but emotionally?? I’m a young child being pushed away because I did something bad and silence is my punishment. I know I didn’t do anything wrong here with this one! This is NOT my issue! BUT I am raw with my little girl insecurities and need to be acknowledged and liked. When will this end??

WTF – computer guy?

1st: I want to apologize for leaving. My frustrations for being shut down by you got the better of me. I am sorry for that!!

I’m pissed off that you are eating ALL the cake I brought for us to share after a careful deliberation of desserts finally landing on the one that made my mouth drool when I spoke it’s name out loud.

Here’s the DEAL:
All I wanted was to go home after enjoying my dinner alone! I was fine to eat alone and was happy to do so. Was I disappointed that you would get up and go when your friends asked you to join them and not when I did? YES! Did I change my mind and call you over and over and over making the decision to allow the frustrations of “poor thinking” (oh, well.. he’s not answering me after I called and text) and (WHY would he need permission to eat with his friends? To clear HIS conscience? These are his irrational thinking, not mine. Whatever, dude.. do what you want!) taking a breath and changing my thinking to say.. “HEY, Awesome! Decision made! Guess I’d prefer to give myself so “ME time.” I was PREFECTLY happy to sit at RFD by myself and eat tacos and sip tea rather than rush out to join a group of people just to eat with them/you. I didn’t need the company. That, I decided, wasn’t my best decision so I chose something else. To stay put. With absolutely NO remorse or ill-feelings. I welcomed the time. It was a very enjoyable meal, playing solitaire, until my phone died, and a needed solace for me it seems.

I then received a frantic or disturbed phone call from you telling me I was upset? Getting louder at me while I was enjoying my quiet?? Really?? What did I do wrong and WHY do I have to defend myself?? I’m calmly enjoying my tea! All I did was stick to my original plan AND include you in it! Twice. AND when I changed my mind… I called AND texted to let you know. There is NOTHING more I could have done. I was HALF expecting/hoping that you would change your mind after seeing my text and seeing the many times I called and come to meet me… but you didn’t and that was OK! When you nonchalantly told me I could “stop by” if I wanted… I really just wanted to go home after my long day on the Westside, even saying that to you by which you changed the intent and told me you didn’t want to “leave it this way” and that I “should come over”. Still confused as to why it was soooo important, it seemed it was so I agreed to come over. I actually felt and THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY to you… ‘I felt that you were worried that something was wrong. With us. And that you were scared I was angry and might shut down or leave’. With this in my mind… I was happy to come over to hug you and assure you know that everything was fine. I still didn’t understand why you were so upset that I didn’t join you after it seemed you were asking my permission to go out with your friends for fear that I would be upset…or maybe you were scared for my well being?? And IF this was how you felt… vulnerable or whatever…that I was here. And all was ok! With me. With US! That I was sorry if I made you feel sensitive or that something was wrong. And that if that was what you wanted to say… you wanted to hug me or feel reassured then I would rather you just said THAT. Be direct rather than be wishy-washy, saying that leaving my stopping back over up to me and then being upset when I made the decision to just go home… And I was not allowed to say it to you. I was not allowed to tell you all this; to speak my mind. YOU had resolved whatever you needed to and when you told me that I couldn’t “rehash” or talk about it?? THAT’s when I got upset! THAT is when!! I was fine when I walked up. Happy to eat chocolate peanut butter cake!!

I DO NOT want to be shut down! I have things I need to say, too! And I KNOW that you live with people and that you are VERY concerned about THEM and people being in your “business” and you being embarrassed, especially by me, but really… all you had to do was to let me talk…which is what I needed to do… maybe hear me for 3 minutes?; to express to you that I’m sorry if I scared you by not showing up and that it actually made me feel like you were worried about me, about US and I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. OK, I know…I don’t always get to the point. I’m not all business and ration. I’m full of feelings and emotions and sometimes I have to set some things up, the story, so it can be expressed in a way where my feelings get out and not just the words. This is how I communicate. And I’d appreciate encouragement, not being shut down! And I’d appreciate being respected and feeling listened to just as YOU do with me. I came over because it seemed important to you… which is what you expressed. And, again… I was happy to do it even bringing chocolate peanut butter cake!

Maybe even an apology for talking to me in the tone you did when YOU were upset and I was calmly eating my meal?? THAT would be welcomed as well. Just saying there was “double miscommunication” doesn’t FEEL like any ownership of the way you spoke to me and that again, it’s just MY fault. Wrong for my actions of changing my mind and doing what I could to communicate it to you? and wrong for my feelings and thinking as well. That’s not fair!

It feels very one-sided for you to say what you need, how and when you want but the same courtesy is not returned! I don’t want to feel wrong for having opinions and thoughts and feelings even if they are inconvenient! And sometimes our thoughts and feelings are going to be on a different timetable. And THAT’s OK!!! It’s part of cherishing each other’s process and each other as individuals.

So… Again, I apologize and I am SORRY for getting flustered and walking out! I am embarrassed by this behavior. I am SORRY if I aided in you feeling as if you were doing something wrong by deciding to eat with your friends, even though this was never my intent! I’m sorry for changing my mind and assuming you had your phone with you attached to your hip and scaring you or making you feel uneasy when you were not able to reach me! It is NEVER my intent to make you feel ANYTHING but encouraged, loved and Wonderful!! MOST Always!! I care a great deal about you and want to enjoy as much time as possible with each other, getting to know each other, growing with each other to continue to build this relationship while I am here in the next month, so the foundation has a chance to grow stronger while I am a mere flight away!

What about me??

I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I’m willing to put up, which I know is more than most, I’ve always known that but the thing I’m trying to figure out is why? WHY is the dream so much easier to believe than the reality? Why is the fantasy so much harder to give up? The hope that the promised will actually come through?? Well, it’s not! It hasn’t!! Why do I still struggle with my own self worth?? Why do I hold on so long?? or give up so easily?? Which I know is a contradiction which is why it hurts!! “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”. Why do I give so many chances to other people but less to myself?? And why is my chance worth less? Why do I still pick boys?? If I say goodbye to this one, will I learn my lesson? Why do I find or keep people in my life that are not willing to fight for me? Or why do I give up on myself so easily? a few days ago… I didn’t call him back after he didn’t call the day before but him saying “if you don’t contact me today, I’ll consider us kaput” invoked my fear of HIM going away rather than me realizing that I am worth more. WHY have I not kicked him off by now? Is it the people pleasing in me? The desire to not be looked upon unfavorably? to be the better woman? to keep the hope alive that it could turn out better and he could actually show up for me? I feel like I’ve been fighting to keep HIS theory alive but the reality is… it’s not even 2 months of knowing each other and there have been waaaay too many issues to overcome and recover from to make this work. UNLESS.. fuck me for saying it… FORGIVENESS is what it is and not lack of self worth. My mom said… “he’s only asking for this one thing, give it to him.” I KNOW that this is a LOT of EGO!! BUT, BUT BUTTT!!! It’s NOT just this ONE THING!! and I’ve asked for things, not even too many.. just basics like: lead with something nice and call me something endearing and cherishible rather than off-putting… SHOWER for FUCK’s SAKE! Follow through and be consistent with your actions and words. AND again, there’s a lot, a lot, a lot of ego but as I look back on it the stuff that’s been really good, cherish worthy has come from me! My hope was that we could make a go of this and build something strong enough to make it through a few months apart or weeks if he came to NY but my “plan”, my “expectation” has been laughed upon and dismantled as I would’ve liked to have avoided. My expectation is that I am IMPORTANT enough to myself to not settle for crap in my life. It feels abusive at times and I feel silly others for feeding my ego. Writing this calms me down at points and stirs me up at others. He has called 3 times and texted once in the last few hours, finally leaving a message scared that I won’t talk to him so he can tell me all the wonderful things he’s come up with since we’ve been apart and he’s come out of his hole.. of course, after the party in which I was not allowed to attend at his house. WHY do I care??? Let him suffer! Get a taste of what it feels like.. if he’s capable of those feelings.

Better choices, Computer-guy, better choices!!

I hear YOUR voice in my head saying “How can you let someone treat you this way?” or “Why would you let someone treat you that way?” YOUR VOICE!! And you’re the one that’s treating me this and that way. YOU!! AND Now I hear my own… WHY do I let YOU treat me this way? Why have I continued to ALLOW the poor treatment from you, someone I care about push me away and keep me at arm’s length? and continue to make excuses for this distance. Why have I allowed myself to pushed aside? Made fun of in front of other people and talked down to sternly, like a child; not listened to? I hear angry neighbor and the fear or anger in you by the way you choose to so selfishly discount me and my feelings. Negating my distaste for being called “Nice-lady”. “You’re a nice lady” has come out of your mouth more times than I care to count as I’m not sure, humor? a supposed endearing nickname? EVEN though I have expressed my adverse reaction to it… you don’t seem to CARE at all!! Not one tiny cell of you wants to HEAR how those words push me away. MY reaction is not favorable and you don’t seem to care! That’s a “B” choice ifI’d ever heard one!

What happened to the guy I talked to on the phone that asked me to “fall in love and get us off the internet”? What happened to the guy that said “I’ve reached my destination” when we were together? “Being together IS the destination”. The guy that RAN 9 blocks to bring me a photo of our walk through the canals because it was Valentine’s day, the traffic was stopped and you didn’t think you’d have enough time to spend with me? The guy that brought me flowers and thai food so we could spend time together while I house-sat in Burbank at my mom’s home? The guy that sent me “I miss your face” and “kisses” texts and song lyrics about “cherishing” and articles about “cherishing and relating to each other on a continuous daily basis without bringing in to the next moment a previous experience? the guy that couldn’t wait to talk to me and spend the day with me? WHERE did HE GO??

Your ACTIONS and WORDS do not match up!! Or do they?? In week 2 you were upset because you were SOOOO horny around me because you hadn’t been attracted to someone in a way you were attracted to me and you couldn’t control yourself so you SHUT DOWN instead. WHY would I even HAVE to explain myself to you or anyone I’d known for 14 days why I wasn’t ready to have to sex with them even though I had been honest about my past, maybe too honest since you felt pushed aside and didn’t care to “cherish” my words only react in a childish, selfish manner. YES, we had both had sex with many other people before we had met but to me… this was a clean slate; you, a new person… new experience to cherish. But I was made to feel that there was something wrong with ME!?!! The cherishable response is to just “accept” that I would be ready when I was ready! NOT cut off, blame me and withhold touching, telling me that maybe we should just be “friends” then… you’re in “no rush!” Really?? then why the pushing? and disregard for me and my feelings? But of course your words say “I am listening to you… you’re not ready so I have to respect that and just not touch you”. THAT’s MATURE!! You do’t get what you want so you’ll take away ANY contact? Only above the neck, you said but then would get upset if you or I wanted to touch a chest… silly games!!

Also at 2 weeks.. you told me that you “loved me”. We laid on your bed after some sort of “session” and you looked me in the eye and said “I love you!” I did not return the words but the feeling was the same as I kissed your lips. Then next day you said, “if we make it through the month, you’d give me a front gate key.” The next few times we saw each other you would tell me we were “just friends”. We went to Palmdale and I told you some personal issue I was having and you turned it on me abrasively telling me I had sexual hang-ups and there was something “wrong with me” because after a couple hours of “intense discussion” I couldn’t come up with answers to combative direct questions, completely disregarding the fact I had asked you if we could just stop talking for a few minutes while your hands tucked under your leg closest to me while sitting int he same car. I had to convince you to take yourself out of your bubble. a “bubble” I’ve grown to know very well in these few weeks.

When you see me after driving… you need some “time to recover” from the traffic. When we are around people in a restaurant you wince and shut me down if I speak to anyone because it makes you uncomfortable… so squish me to me make you less uncomfortable which you won’t feel anyway since you never really feel super comfortable in your “social awkwardness”, as you put it. You have realized that you get snippy and spiteful toward me when we are around your friends for the fear, maybe, that I may cling on to them after we break up… as you’ve voiced to me. Expressing to you that that’s not my style and to please not judge me by your past girl’s methods… it’s happened twice now, in front of YOUR friends.. the people who care about you and want to see you happy. You belittled me with “you’re an actress” and “my property in the ghetto”. Again, not “cherishing and not even NICE! In fact.. quite the opposite! YOU even realized you did it the first time and told me you didn’t want to treat me that way but you did it again, when around YOUR friends again at a party at your home. You made reference to “upper middle age vaginas” and that would have been just fine if you had not referred to ME as upper middle age, which I am NOT! AND take offense to. This was amongst not just your roommates this time but others you work with… awesome! When I brought it to your attention, you dismissed it and made it tout to be MY problem! You bubbled off again. My going to New York has been an “issue” for you in my opinion and if it’s brought up as it was, by you, that night while we lay on your bed while we spoke of you moving your computer set-up out of your room since it was agreed upon as not being a healthy choice for you now.. you said that as soon as I was gone you’d move it back in anyway? I asked you if you were ok with me going and you said it was a decision I’d made before you were around.. in such a flippant, bubbled off way and when I asked you about keeping me at a distance and if that was one of the causes you defended yourself and lashed out at me then telling me we should talk about it another time so I got quiet to honor that and you were upset that I was quiet! There was NO way to WIN! You squished me on the walk to breakfast with your friends, telling me I “wasn’t in control of this adventure!” And NOT allowing me to ask questions of the cashier or get all our food out on the same ticket since it might embarrass you so instead your friends were uncomfortable because our food came out so much later and I was feeling disrespected and unable to be myself.. squished!

When you came to my house for the “weekend” without a change of clothes you slept! We were going to get up at 4a, walk down the street and watch the “levitating rock” slowly move through the roads. We didn’t get up for this. You were disgusted at the thought of my being “excited for you” to see it! It had been something you had been tracking and I was excited to take this adventure with you. You pushed me into defending my position of excitement and glee! That I could have no reason to be happy about something but soley because you were. That was an icky feeling for you. After our Saturday jaunt to the Valley to get my goddaughter and drop her in San Pedro we made it to the Malibu Vineyard, where you felt tired and shut off so I drove a sleeping you back to my home and we napped. I thought we would get up but we didn’t except for a late night trip to the pizza place where you wouldn’t let me talk to the waitstaff so instead we waited about an hour for 2 slices of pizza, then we came home and slept. You told me not to get “feelings involved”…’don’t FEEL anything”, while we were laying mostly naked intertwined after I had just “pleasured you for over an hour while you ate ice-cream in my bed. When I rolled away saying “that’s not very nice” you called me “poopy”. Then after a few moments asked me to roll back over because you were feeling close, too and that’s why you said it. Do you know you’re NEVER apologize for any of these hurtful statements? The words “I’m sorry” do not come out of your mouth without a “but” behind it? or an explanation to justify your crappy, uncaring comments? I don’t get a hug when I am hurt or my feelings are uncared for… I get a “reasonable explanation”. My tears don’t get wiped, you get defensive and I get scolded. THIS is not my idea of “cherish”. After this “fun-filled” napping weekend… we were both on our Ipads and you mocked my choice of playing a game while you read the NY Times. (I had taken the plastic off the Ipad by this point… another story in which MY choice for me and MY comfort for myself with an object that was MINE was mocked and unacceptable to you). I got up to take a shower and you did not join me. You lay in bed until the last moment then we began on our walk of doom! I thought it was brunch but it was a way for you to bubble off and for me to defend myself. After a mostly silent meal with a harried pace and a lot of tension resulting in me asking you to “lead with something nice” and mocking saying “I guess we should break up then” since NONE of ANY of what you were upset about was a big deal to me but a way to keep me at bay.. we walked in mostly silence, anger and frustration with a lack of understanding for each other. When you got home you realized that you were anxious from being away from work so many days and that not taking a shower does not make you feel human and thus more agitated and that maybe you should’ve taken a shower after all.

After you left my place that day… 3 weeks ago, things were not the same! That was the last time you came here or even attempted to come here. You began to shut off, got more combative and reclusive.

There have been times when you have asked me to make sure to tell you to get up from the computer, to take a shower, to eat something and also telling me that it’s not my responsibility to make sure you do any of that. How confusing is that?? You have been leading a very unhealthy lifestyle as productive as it has been… it’s been extremely unhealthy. I think if it was not for your roommates, you would have perished 😉

You told me you had thought of buying me flowers 3 times but ran out of time; that you would cherish me with a picture every day in which I received 2 of; that you love writing letters and would send me poetry and cards in which I’ve received none… IT’s ALL TALK!! And very little follow through! At least it stopped so quickly that the words have not matched the actions and the actions speak way louder that the words as we both agreed.

The last 3 weeks have been distant and awkward; filled with silence, disconnection, miscommunication, agitation, emptiness and hurt feelings.. at least from my side of the fence. There has been seemingly from you, no desire for connection except a random phone call most days whereabouts you are not listening to or seeming to care about anything that’s going on with me, mostly not even asking anything. You have been intolerant, moody and disinterested but somehow managed to go to a birthday party of a friend’s father. THAT could grab you away from the computer for a few minutes with me or to show up to an event that means the world to me as my mentoring show or even the few minutes to take a shower so you may in your words “feel human” around me is unfathomable!

I asked you weeks ago about your birthday and you said you didn’t want to be the center of a party you just wanted to throw a party but decided against it as the only days that matter in your world are Burning Man. so I made arrangements to be in Catalina with my goddaughter as that was the best time for all parties. I asked you because Birthdays ARE special to me… a day in which extra special cherishing happens. After our horribly uncomfortable lunch last week in which we broke up, didn’t break up… confusion.. you decided to have a party after all. in which I was not informed of for 4 days after the invite went out. I did not know about it, you said, “because you’re not my FB friend”. REALLY?? I have to be your FB friend for you to tell me that you are going to have a party for your birthday???? We’ve been dating for almost 2 months!! AND THEN the day before you call me to “talk to me” about having me NOT come to the party and all the reasons you can think of of being and acting selfishly so you can maybe “be romantic with me the next time we see each other”. HOW do you think THAT is going to work??? By PUSHING ME ASIDE AGAIN but this time surrounding a time in which I feel is special because you are not sure how I am going to handle you not “being a couple” as you want to do your own thing and throw this party?? That “in the past” IN THE PAST!!!!! NOt relating in the NOW, from the person that I have SHOWN YOU TO BE by MY PAST with you!! That your selfishness, and self-proclaimed at that, selfishness is all you’re asking for!! YOU want a day to unwind, NOT see “the woman you hold dear in your gut”, the woman that you have thought of marrying someday… YOU want to EXCLUDE me from your life another day, WITH your friends, so you don’t have to think about me or connect with me in ANY way… BUT THAT’s ALL YOUR ASKING??? oh.. and for me to be OK with that so we can be “romantic” the next time we see each other? WHY would I let someone treat me that way??? WHY WOULD I LET YOU Treat me that way??? AND WHY would you want to? If you “cherish me the way you “believe” you say you do… Laughing at me when I say I should be a reward for you finishing your project telling me I’m funny for thinking that?? well, I think I know where we stand!! Because I’m a “nice lady” I guess I shouldn’t be affected by any of this! I should continue to “cherish” and “love” someone who is too afraid to get “feelings” involved that it’s better to push me away with actions and words alike rather than “getting caught up and falling for a beautiful woman because you can lose yourself in their power”… Well… I want to be with someone that I don’t have to raise! To bring through a relationship or teach how to be vulnerable and let go.. someone who actually LOVES someone other than themselves! Because when push comes to shove… I will ALWAYS be a Nice Lady but I refuse to allow myself to settle for this shit anymore!!! I don’t deserve to be treated like crap by ANYONE especially by someone I care about deeply! I’ve cried too many times in the last few weeks to keep caring about this or you. It’s time to care about me again!!!

How did we get HERE Computer guy?

With a lump in my throat and a welling being squished down as to NOt feel it in the moment. Squished in the moment… This is how I’ve been feeling lately.

I think we’ve reached our limit here, Computer-guy. I asked you to take a shower. A SHOWER. Not a huge request. A request that you asked me to make sure of since more than 2 times now you have realized that you are not “human” (maybe my word) until you have awaken fully. Eating and taking a shower are 2 ways to wake you up and make you feel more yourself so as I was driving to bring you “lunch” because I didn’t think we were actually going to see each other, even though we had plans for that evening or if we did actually see each other, I wasn’t trusting that you were going to be “present” with me. To enjoy me. Cherish OUR time together, face to face since you have been in your “computer bubble” for not a couple of days as you expressed your distaste for my reaction but for almost 2 weeks now, which I was not going to argue at that point. You said I have made a series of “B” decisions instead of “A” decisions. And that “cherishing” is also to cherish myself in each moment. Getting “upset and pouty” are “B decisions” to you not taking a shower and that we could’ve enjoyed our time together if I had chosen an “A” decision instead. NOW, isn’t choosing to not take a shower a “B” choice in itself? Calling me to see when I’d be getting there and beginning the call with “You’re going to be disappointed. I didn’t take a shower”, in a sing-songy tone is taunting and anything BUT cherishing. You knew I’d react unfavorably and still this was your choice. You then got upset when I was not “happy” and smiley to see you after I called back and asked you to at least brush your teeth to which you responded… “Hey, lady, you’re the one coming over here. I had other things I needed to do than take a shower. I didn’t ask you to come over.” So HOW do you expect me to respond? What “A” choice do I have? You deliberately made a choice that knowingly would have this affect and then you were accusatory and belittling when I reacted the way you requested.

You have been absent for a couple weeks and tell me that it’s been a few days and that it’s better to know now how I am going to react in such a negative way when you have to work like you do. That you “saw my call” and you answered the phone and THAT in some way is cherishing me? Answering my call? It’s not cherishing if when you answer the phone, you’re vacant or combative. To tell me when you came over 2 WEEKS AGO. TWO WEEKS and saw I had flowers in my home, that you had thought of bringing me flowers 3 times but didn’t because you’d run out of time. Run out of time to show someone you were thinking of them? You were late every time we met except the time we went to SB. That’s selfish not cherishing!

You were repelled by the thought of my being “excited for you” by wanting to wake with you at 4a to see the “rock” move through the streets but then when the time came.. all you wanted to do was sleep. You slept for 2 days, waking only to ask for a blow job while eating ice cream, a late night pizza run, which I was more than happy to provide, which was a huge waste of time and a brunch that launched the quick demise to our “cherished present” because as you stated later, you should have taken a shower and that you were not fully awake and by being away from work for 2 days, you felt anxious to get home. so we fought! and you left! to go see the “rock” that you told me you didn’t care about anymore at LACMA.. alone! I asked you to “lead with something nice” when I felt your negative energy and slow isolation, which apparently had nothing to do with me but exhausterbated by my cheerful conversation with the waitstaff and long 3 block walk to get some food.

Where’s the CHERISH?? I’m getting pushed around and then when I have a thought or feeling about it I’m being told I’m making “B” choices. WHY are you not accountable for the other half? Why is it only MY fault?

We decided not to exchange the parking passes on thursday since the last 5 minutes of our time was wonderfully pleasant. Even though I brought it up you were also saying that our time had come. You said “You are not happy and I don’t want to be the one making you not happy. We’re just taking up space for someone that will” THAT is the same thing as “let’s break up” even though those 3 words didn’t come out. It’s the same sentiment, buddy. “Well, at least we know now and it wasn’t an fight and no one said striking words, it’s better to end it this way”… is also saying we are breaking up! So saying that you never said it… is placing the blame on me again!

Computer-guy lights the way

So I can handle with absolutely no issues, plans changing during the day. I expect it! I welcome the challenges of manipulating events to fit between my scheduled uncertainty. BUT I am NOT as ok changing the plans when the sun goes down. Why?? What’s the difference? I mean really?? Does it really matter that I have to eat by myself or go to a movie or drive to an event alone? I mean really??? This is stupid!! It does not! So then why do I pout when my expectation is not met with a forced changed that I, myself, did not conjure up?

Is this a lack of control thing? I feel like a baby at times and this is not the best foot I can put forth for someone I care about! Is this more testing on my part to make sure I matter to him? More pushing! and for what?? I know perfectly well he is flat out busy. I’m acting like a baby and I KNOW I’m doing it!! Childish! He’s been busting his ass setting up for a charity party while I, what? I could have gone to the spa? or have taken a longer nap? Really??? How selfish am I being? like a huge spoiled baby! He’s working his ass off, sweating, moving heavy lights by himself for days now and I’m complaining about feeling pushed aside when he changes the plans on me? Well, in my defense… we were asked to meet the hosts at the party for dinner at 6p and that was my plan so then being asked to meet at 530 at his place to go together seemed just fine. I had enough time to “pretty up” for him since i love being “shown-off” and the charity event for the “through the lens foundation” is a perfect moment to spend with him in a social setting. Right? Well, then the call came at 5p as I was driving away, saying we weren’t going to meet at his place at 530, that I should meet at the party at 7 and we would go back to his place so he can change and we could have some “cuddle-time” before heading BACK to the event. Now, this did not seem logical to me so I suggested I just meet him at 6p like we had planned and then HE could go back home to change while I helped out with the party if they needed me. He said that wasn’t comfortable for him so I should eat and come after 730p. OK… THAT made me feel pushed aside. The plan would’ve worked out just fine if he had planned for the worst case… that he would run into a time crunch and had just brought clothes to change into at the event since he was adopting the family as his own anyway and they him, I’m sure a quick shower would’ve been completely reasonable.

NOW, it was getting to my threshold of nourishment and I was NOT feeling included in the plans nor was my assistance being recognized. I have some BRILLIANT IDEAS!! And I know not everyone thinks like me or plans for the un-planable as most do not carry 4 changes of clothes in their car as I do for unseen changes as this. All I wanted was to show up, look pretty, kiss my man and enjoy the party! THIS was not too much to ask. Did we have to arrive together? NO. did we have to LEAVE together? NO. I just wanted to be there with him (a clean shaven, well dressed, great smelling version of him) as I was putting in efforts to look good for him. I didn’t want to be a second thought nor, if I stopped to think about it truly as an adult in that situation instead of a bratty child, my abruptness on the phone was uncalled for. If, in that moment I was able to remember that all I wanted was to support him and all the efforts he was making, volunteering his time, services and expertise… I could’ve cut him some slack. He deserves that. He’s an amazing man and I’m foolish for being so self-centered. Pout, pout, pouty lips

I’m sitting behind him right now, with headphones playing Vivaldi in my ears as the room shifts from light to dark with each sequence of numbers and letters he programs for the greater. All I wanted was to be near him today. And… he is still letting me 🙂

Oh, and the event was a huge success! He made that place feel magical! The tacos were fabulous, I won a silent auction photograph with my first sentence spoken “I can do it!” Well, mine was really “I do it” as I pushed my mom’s hand away while she tried to feed me… (side-not finished)… and an Ipad3. I’ll take the wrapping off this one 😉

Getting through it… Computer-guy

In only my panties, violently making my bed one pillow at a time; throwing the comforter down, we argued as he was clothed even to his boots! His BOOTS!! What is the fucking problem?? So what? that I don’t want to take the plastic off the Ipad! Does it really matter THAT much?? And if so.. WHY?? Why is this such a point of content? YES, he’s right, I’m sure… It makes more “sense” to unwrap it and feel the glass as “that’s how it was intended to be used!!” comes out of his mouth with force but it’s MINE and I don’t want to take it off. Let it go!! so He did… out of the warm embrace on to the cool hardwood floors, into the bathroom to dress himself all the way to his shoes as that was the breaking point! The plastic on my computer? Even his shoes he retreats inside the protection of bubble wrap as to shield himself from the issues and from me! This is ridiculous!! Who gives a fuck about the plastic on my Ipad? And would should it bother him soooo much if I leave it on? It’s my comfort and it’s MY machine! So what, that I want to protect it from scratches even though he explains that “the glass can not be scratched by metal or anything else for that matter” and that he would “buy me a new one if it was scratched or damaged but it couldn’t be unless I was to take a diamond and rub it on it’s face” and that I am “being silly for thinking that any harm could be done to it” and “that it’s not being used the way it was intended” and that he knows this for a fact because this is what he does! as he escalates when he realizes that it’s not even a plastic cover I bought for it but the “fucking plastic that came with it!! And that it doesn’t PROTECT ANYTHING!! He gets out of bed and gets fully dressed as to walk out because he wonders how my “OCD” about the fucking plastic could lead to other mental problems down the line” and again… WHO FUCKING CARES??? THAT I FEEL BETTER WITH THE FUCKING PLASTIC ON MY OWN FUCKING IPAD??? We’re going to end the relationship over something like this??? He put on his SHOES!!! He says that he needed to remove himself from the situation before he said something he didn’t mean and that I was acting out of line and that he wasn’t raising his voice or getting out of control, which again is WHY he got up (so aggressively) to get completely dressed down to his shoes and how can he not see that he’s pulling away?? He’s NOT acting any more rationally than I am and he believes he’s right and I don’t care if he is because having the plastic RIPPED off something that is mine feels like a violation of me and my comforts for myself and I’m still working on “protecting me” with “boundaries” that make sense for me and I KNOW they are not RATIONAL!!! I don’t say they are but they are mine and should be cherished as some of the “cute stuff I do” rather than a disorder. I have a different way of reacting to the way something makes me feel and he’s got his SHOES on! Not just that he had to remove himself, even abruptly, to I don’t know, grab a glass of water, go sit in the other room, pace around… but he flew the comforter off, abruptly sprang from the bed which we had shared (for the first time, mind you), gathered his belongings and was storming out! Because of something sooo stupid!! I know this is “area of expertise” and it may bump up against my “comforts” but to wrap up, shut off and walk out? That’s a bit extreme and will only push me to shut off as well, the exact opposite of what we are looking for here. This is ridiculous!! and all the while… It feels like something being forced upon me that I’m not in a place to take in at the moment. My time is different than his is and my comforts are on a different pace. We want to make it through such petty arguments and disagreements. I am ready to call it quits for something sooo amazingly insignificant, neither of us able to give up or “rightness” or our point of view in the moment how stupidly small. AND again, he’s fully dressed… I’m red-faced, still naked except for my white lace-sided panties. A comment shared later on as the heat turned to understanding and a very wet shared shower! “Make-up sex?” I asked as I knelt down engulfing him with my desires, after conditioning his hair as his hands washed every inch of my body. “Not really, since we weren’t really fighting”, he fired back. “Please? as I kissed him into submission; bodies pressed up against each other, water penetrating our erotic heat and new level of communication. What a way to get through a morning and one more step in understanding the complexities of each other. I am blessed to be where I am! Still looking for a nickname for him that sticks… I’ll give BB a try.

Computer-guy void

Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

I had a good day yesterday.

I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

Me either.

This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!

Computer-guy.. cold thai, warm heart!

An amazing night, last, pushing through to the early morn, clothed from the waist down. Retelling the escapades to a friend, I realize I’m on the other side; a shift has occurred. A freedom of self, out of my own way; without my self complication and sabotage… again, in reality… only a week of face time. 9 days of knowing someone and allowing the walls to be mostly obsolete, barely-exsistant. A sense of confidence in self and an understanding at the guttural level, if I get out of my own way… even saying that, typing that, it feels like an “old pattern”? A way of shutting down and shielding the vulnerability I fear for this will be just another of the same old.

There is no filter with him. No subject taboo. Our dirty talk “yes, ands” the other allowing a freedom to exist that has been my hidden “goal” for life. Talking about the reasons WHY chivalry is important, not just because it makes me feel “taken care of”, like a “lady”, or in his word “cherished” but also for the modeled behavior for my future children.

A little boy learns how to treat a little girl by the way he sees his father relate to his mother and a little girl sees how she wants to be treated by a man also by the way she sees her father treat her mother and that same little girl realizes how she wants to be treated by the way her mother treats herself and that’s modeled behavior. We either learn what to or not to do by the patterns, behaviors of what is modeled. We have choices and it’s one reason why my womb has remained empty intentionally all these years because I have not until now, realized how I want to be treated and BELIEVE that I am worthy of it. It’s one thing to say “I deserve to be treated a certain way” and it’s another to actually believe my own worth. To be witnessed by, cherished, heard as the vulnerability walls cease. Because to have them comedown means that they were put up in the first place and with Computer-guy, I haven’t felt the safety bubble.

We talked about milking stations at the county fair where there would be a line of children set up to suckle from the life milk. And then the mothers would suckle from each other building there supply and children would stand in line to feast from the bosom of women everywhere, like a kissing booth and people would pay money, a dollar a suckle and depending on the age of the woman or quality of the breast the price would increase or decrease and they would stick their mammaries through a hole so there was no prejudice and the women could be attached to a machine that could freeze some so you could buy a bottle and take it through the fair with you or on the road. I mean, really? that’s crazy! and the fact that each “yes, and” was done while I was mounted atop of him in the front seat of his car, parked outside my dad’s house like a couple of teenagers trying to keep from getting caught… was thrilling. Inhibitions released, fantasy experienced. The ability to freely express the madness is amazing; a non-judegment of banter and creativity as perverted and twisted as we allow without the restrictions of self censoring or the fears of judgements from another. Now, I’m not saying there are no boundaries but to communicate them without fear is one of the greatest gifts I may allow myself at this moment. Support is essential in the ability to grow with another. This has been his fantasy since he was little…the milking station. He’s excited about my breasts and quite frankly.. i would be too, they’re pretty amazing!!

“I will make sure that you will not have to ask again! That’s my gift of cherishing”. I will not do anything I do not want to do but from what I know of you so far, I can’t see that your requests are or would be unreasonable and they are my ability to know you better. Everyday to see you for the beautifl woman you are. Your kindness… I mean you don’t understand and I hope one day you will, but the compulation of the day we spent, without aires; that you took me to this secret place outside the city that few people know of and the details in which you knew about which side to stand on to see the colors of the butterfly’s wings as they opened in the sun as we sat on a log; and the way you got angry with the man who who crossed the line, endangering, in your mind the placidness of the environment. I mean, I was feeling it too and wanted to step in an say something when I saw how angry you were getting,

“not angry, more frustrated”


“no not that aggrivated, aggitated maybe, at the entitlement he decided he had that his desire to get a better view was more important than the butterflies he trampled on.. OK angry!This is a sanctuary for me and too witness, I mean you didn’t see him cross the rope line with his big grin on his stupid face. Did you see him when we were on the other side? “no” Well, he was on the other side when we walked around and then we wondered out of the trees, winding around the grass to the other side and I saw him! Heard his kids speaking to him in English so he couldn’t use the excuse that he didn’t understand the rules or the language because he’s Asian… AHHHrrggggg… OK, yes angry!! (him seeing me riling up, smiling)

“just to calm you down, to hold you because someone DID scream at him to get back”,

Yes, but it took so long and he had no idea how many he could’ve hurt or killed and if he DID know instead of being oblivious and self indulgent, I’m sure he wouldn’t have crossed the…mmmmmmmmrrrrrrrm!

And me taking the risk of allowing myself to be angry in front of him and stressed-out-controlling but in his mind, the tact in which I displayed or suggested another lane, or a mixture of coffees to satisfy my weird neurosis of such. The patience with the bakery counter guy who was going to address each individual separately and not move on the the next until the entire order had been completed; Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” so ironically playing in the background… “Learning to love yourself.. is the greatest gift of all”; even though the sun was hiding and the fear that the butterflies would all be sleeping and could be a waste or not a waste but the destination of the butterfly experience be compromised… he didn’t see it as crazy (again, only a week into it but who knows.. trust).

He claims he sees the sum of all of it including the the dialog with the hostess at the mexican restaurant and the banter with the bus boys, which I think at first was embarrassing to him.. which I felt when he tried to pull me away from the station saying “ok, let’s not bother the staff” but then taking a step back and allowing for my extroverted personality to shine and allowing my own self while understanding our comforts are not the same, I guess… IS a freeing feeling. My almost tears as I revealed to him my desire to have my doors opened, coat placed on me, bags carried so my hands can be free…(I guess if my hands are free I an take his arm?). My freedom in expressing this was scary as all get out and his enthrallment with the way I “take care of”, taking him to this magical place, healing his arm with touch, experiencing the moments freely without putting on a facade is the compilation of who I am, who we are. And the past experiences, hurts, accolades, lessons are welcomed in story rather than retracted from or looked upon with expectation and wariness is the way I want to live my life.

He brought me Thai food and flowers from Santa Monica. And we lied in the guest room bed, in my mother’s home, next to the room I lost my virginity… falling… and I/we let it happen. I didn’t push or test. I told him about how my brother died in that home, as we sat in the den staring at a picture of my brother and I at 18 and he was 21 in our formal-wear. He wiped my tears as he heard of the dream I had the day my friend, Blue, visited me in the moment he left the earth, a loss he has not yet, endured physically; My mother living in the same home her son 16 years ago and her mother this past year, both died in. He witnessed the pain she holds by the hoarding and filling of space with stuff as the emptiness is too great and the sorrow too hurtful. I let him in. To my world. To my life. Into my heart. Not my pants.

Sure, I’m still guarded to a point as anyone would be in such a short amount of time but the ability and desire to liquify those walls before I build them is almost frightening as it’s mostly uncharted territory. I fell in love with a guy while traveling, 12 years ago, in a day and a half and gave my heart to another that will always hold a piece in his, for the life altering events we shared will keep up connected forever and I feel as at ease as I was with either of them with this incredible man. And his “warning signs” of me lack of relationships as he defined them melted away as the definition revealed itself through story. I’ve only allowed 2 real relationships in my life and a whole lot of dating, only 2 people that mattered to me so much that my definition and outcome was the word, “boyfriend” or “relationship” and by expressing it clearer to myself, I was able to pinpoint the definitive line between. Honesty of self. And that is the allowing of my complete vulnerability and trust in someone else.. that’s what made them different from the others I’ve dated. The switch to be flipped in my wording or expression of how I feel about them. I was made to feel or allowed to act as if there was nothing I could do that was not going to be accepted and cherished. And I guess to be quite honest in THIS definition.. there has only been 1 that I had no control of loving; the other was a conscious choice that I remember making in my shower.. a choice to love that man, wholey, for as long as I decided and that’s why I still do. I made a choice to and this goes back to what Computer guy says by making choices every moment to “cherish”, “relate” as a verb rather than being in a “relationship” which is by definition a noun, something acquired.

As I sit here, I know that I am pushing the other guy (New York-like Guy) further from me by changing our meeting/hike time a second time to finish the path I am on. I’m sooo much more interested in Computer guy as the “relating” is apparently easier, fluid. I feel more of a friend vibe with the NY guy and don’t have the courage to be honest, yet.. maybe playing games, fear of coming across or being preceived as a flakey LA person which is not the case but my mind is elsewhere and my heart is opening to someone else. He says “like” a lot, like every few words and like as a teenager, I like, get it but as like a man in his like 40’s is just like a little, weird. He’s complimentary to me as well and to my freedom of expression so in my

his jaw clenches when he’s so “randy” that it cannot be contained. It’s one of our tells, like my tapping of my thumbs along my finger pads or his playing his index to the middle finger when deep in thought.

I want to not struggle in my life because of money. I don’t want that to be a deciding factor or have bearing on the quality of happiness and even in my business voice as I fear scaring away someone with the inability to meet me, I still communicated these needs, with little hesitation He thinks I’m smart. He loves all types of music and building things that he envisions for the greater good. He has my mango sorbet in his refrigerator until I show myself to the tree house he’s erecting in the backyard. He says can’t afford the $3000 rent for the place he shares with his “boss” but has the desires to make that a non-issue telling tales of our excursions and time in Bali where he programs greatness from our vacation home while I tend to the children. He, the hunter gatherer, me the nutruer, though we both play that role. I don’t think he has money problems but more concerns of pleasing me and being enough and also residual from growing up with nothing and being on his own since he was 16. I feel matched by him and that’s the greatest gift for me!

*The young girl sitting to my right, maybe 8 years old, plays chess with her dad while waiting for her food, talking to the waiter as if an adult understanding occurs.*

He wants to miss me, feel the emptiness, which is a strange and an endearing statement that I understand. The longing that comes with “constraint”, keeping the boundaries of clothing in tact; the long drive home after a night of expressed, collected, contained passion… I feel like if I let him read this blog, he’d still want to know me.

We realized that neither of us has a desire to put anything or have anything put into our butts! Communication at it’s finest. Butt sex is not a fetish, yay! Some of the important things out on the table before the act is achieved, or not, in this case attempted. we have an allowance for open communication and this is one of the “must have” “deal breakers” that is just that. Without the honesty, openness, humor, trust, candor, communication, willingness, attraction… there is no desire for the journey to go further.

He wants conceive babies made in love cabin rented for the sole purpose of creating a new life-force from the pure intensions of beauty, desire and love. I think if he had it his way… he would rent it tomorrow and probe his “sparks” through my receptacle until the cells separated and multiplied into a living breathing melted, intertwined being. He wants to tie me to a bed, blindfolded in submission and gently place a vibrator in my arousal zone, empowering his control or absence in leaving the room and me to be out of [control], complete puddy in his imagination, while checking in on my every so often hearing my screams for pleasurable delight until my body couldn’t take it anymore, while licking my wet, squirming body while begging him to fuck me… I’m getting wet just thinking of it. His desire is to pleasure me and my life. To allow myself to give over so willingly and trust someone so completely is so far, still in it’s dream-state. To actually be engrossed in a match so great that the follow through is actualized?

I told him of my fantasy to come home to a towel trail leading from the bathroom to bed covered in rubber sheets under a rubber kid pool filled with oil secured by the stability of more towels to keep from slipping. THIS has been a fantasy of mine for too long to have not yet been actualized. More than a few have heard this yet, not one has fulfilled it… I may actually get to check this off my list..woohoo!! Right now.. still wishful thinking. But I have hope! 🙂

I can’t believe the time frame is only a little over a week! I remember calling my ex when I had met “the Stalker” to tell him that if things continued as well as I would think, then he could be the one for me. I had met someone and I felt he should know. Sooooo, I’m not fooling myself to think that this won’t turn out just as horribly but as in that moment of those first couple weeks, I have a feeling that this one, I hope THIS one is the one for me to achieve my greatest potential and our most fulfilling depths. I know I get caught up a lot in the desire to find the one to “take me off the market”. I remember that when I called Computer guy from my blocked number he asked me to “Please let us fall in love so we can get off the web and on with our lives”… “OK, I’ll give it a shot. I’m game, let’s see if it works”, I shrugged. His roommate’s seen him “date”, “relate” with so many women that he hasn’t even really divulged much of “us” to him partly because the roommate is in China right now and partly because he wants to see where it goes, though the roommate does know about me as he was in on the “running to meet me” (no rain) on V-day, last tuesday. Crazy! And his really great girl”friend” is aware and seems approving. I may meet her this weekend, which would be a wonderful treat of sorts to see him with his friends, in a social setting and just to see him again, in general.

I’ve been writing for 3 hours now, my food has come and gone and it’s now time to go on a hike with NY-like Guy. THIS should be interesting!!