CD guy

I don’t get it!!! WHAT happened?? How did we go from something to nothing in no time flat?? It hurts my patterns. It hurts my heart! My self esteem and ego are bruised and I don’t get it!! I WISH I understood!

I’m told by my friends to not contact him as I don’t want to appear “crazy” BUT… WHAT THE FUCK?? What happened? Don’t I get answers? Don’t I deserve that?? Wait until after the weekend… It’s been about 4 days since I called him to “check in”. He has not called back. I thought he was dealing with all the shit that he’s spelled out for me… gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking too much, loss of interest in his job, maybe wanting to travel, to move to West… his birthday.. all piled up into a ball of mess for him as he’s laid out for me in our late night talks and walks and kisses. I saw him a week ago when I brought him a balloon for his bday at his work… maybe not the best move but he said he liked me coming over and that it was nice. I sang a song on his machine the next day after our late night texting in which he responded… “not feeling too hot, call you later :)” in a text. That was Saturday last week and I’ve heard NOTHING!!

This is the guy that left a party, late night to meet me in a coffee shop for an hour just to see me while he darted glances giggling telling me how excited he was to be around me since he had envisioned who he wanted in his life and that “vision board” picture was of me. My personality, my look, my hair, my humor and there we were sitting in front of each other. e kissed me for the first time on my stairway with fumes leaking from his body. I was drunk off of him. He showed up! That was a big step for me! A first step because the attraction was apparent. He didn’t come to my bday party the next day because he was embarrassed to tell me that he didn’t want to show up too early and he didn’t want to show up too late so he just stayed home, dressed, feeling silly for not making it out. BUT he showed the a couple nights later at a bar where I had a few people out that also didn’t make the party for various reasons. He TOLD me he’s usually shy but not with me for some reason, that he was self conscious and sorry for missing my party as he held my hand walking me home where he grabbed me in front of a school, pinning my arm behind my back kissing me because he couldn’t help himself. His touch stimulated my heart and soaked my underpants. We talked everyday practically and a couple days later he texted me to see where I was remembering I prefer to talk on the phone, called me and told me to stop where I was he was coming to meet me. I was exhausted but he convinced me so I sat in a bus stop on 14th street until he walked…ran the 3 avenues to find me. We sat there kissing, my head on his shoulder too tired to moved while he removed my shoes, massaging my feet from my long day then grabbed my bags and walked me home. “I have to take you on a date” he said. Ac couple days later.. he texted “where are you right now?” And again, walked 4 avenues to meet me after I left the dentist, in a book store, with my lips numb.. we walked back across town and had lunch in the park. I walked him back to his work and we shared a small kiss (It was in front of his work, you know…I didn’t want to take the initiate so he did saying “oooh, that was nice, that’s great”, eyes closed… I didn’t hear from him the next day Tuesday or even Wednesday so tat night I initiated the text and a call. He responded to the text with humor but didn’t answer the call. And nothing Thursday. Friday morning he texted “Sorry I didn’t call back, I had a long day”. I asked if he he a full day. Yes. And asked if he had made plans for his birthday which was the next night and he was going to go to see his family. I showed up at his work with a large balloon and a card. He kissed me “hello” and we shared some time, about an hour, before a coworker showed up. I stayed a few more minutes and he walked me to the elevator, giving me a small kiss. Later that night I asked if he brought the hula balloon to jersey and he said he was still in the city, he’d go tomorrow and the balloon stayed at work. We texted a few times and I said that he’d get a bday song in the morning and we said goodnight. The next morning I called and sang him his song on his machine and he texted back a few minutes later “Not feeling so hot. Will call you later :)” AND I’ve not heard from him since!!

Why do I want the unavailable ones? The ones that show me that they are not going to continue to show up and be kind to me?? WHY are THOSE the ones I want so bad in my soul?
Why do I think oh.. THIS ONE is going to be different?? MY pattern brings only the SAME ones to my life and give me the same worthless reaction. Self-esteem issues and insecurities!!

I KNOW he’s been struggling with a few life things because he TOLD me so. SOOOOOO Why is he ignoring me now?? AND more importantly… WHY do I care to stay in contact with someone who does NOT want to be in contact with me?? I’m just hurting myself by perpetuating my patterns. HE’S not doing anything!! He is just living his own life with whatever gets him through, which is apparently not talking to me! I just don’t understand what changed?!!

When I was a kid my dad would hole himself up away from me for 3 days at a time. Lights out, dog in his bedroom, no movement, silence. He would walk past me and say nothing! Eventually a note on the kitchen counter or a phone call would emerge telling me to call his secretary (which was his girlfriend) in the morning to set up a time to talk after hours. WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE!! I felt it was a punishment and I don’t think Ive recovered from that feeling. Years later he tells me that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad but it was his way of controlling himself from saying something he may regret in the moment. But to me it was the most painful abandonment imaginable! So I have this horribly painful pattern of going after the ones that push me away! I have made myself sick over trying to understand it and let the ego go. I DO intellectually understand it has nothing to do with me but emotionally?? I’m a young child being pushed away because I did something bad and silence is my punishment. I know I didn’t do anything wrong here with this one! This is NOT my issue! BUT I am raw with my little girl insecurities and need to be acknowledged and liked. When will this end??