out on the ny streets with boundaries a lack


So I see CD-guy today and tell him about the lovely world Ive been living, moving to the beach, getting rocked by Rugby and the lessons I’m still grateful to have learned from his bail-out a few months before.. And while I’m reciting the new found insights of boundaries vs guard and the “Shame” Tedtalk from Brene’ Brown.. he asks, “Am I looking at you like you’re a piece of meat?” while he gleams into my eyes and touches or hugs me repeatedly. I mean I’m literally telling him I have NO boundaries or a lack of and that by taking a roommate here in NYC for pretty much my first time since the college years, which was really not as wonderful as I hoped since 1 of the roommates barricaded our front door with my furniture when he was made to come home after I made it off academic probation and he did not, so he was upset.. at me? I guess.. and the other roommates I had for a semester, 1 ended up turning dark, drunk and suicidal so the other one was glad I was going so he didn’t have to protect me any longer. Sounds more dramatic than it was… but there were guns and metal music involved. So telling CD-guy about my excitement for the growth that a roommate may bring and the exercise in boundaries, speaking up for myself and stating my intention… that a roommate will be good for me to work on sharing space, communication, speaking up for myself, boundaries, caring less what someone thinks (especially since I’m paying rent, granted this is not OUR home we share, I’m renting a room in HER home, which carries another line of rules) I did not need to be greeted with personal touching on the street or kissing in front of his job’s door. And more-so.. my lack of pushing him away or hitting him for 1st: not listening to me, my intention or my words about my lack of boundaries; and 2nd: that I was tested and failed on this aforementioned lack of boundaries is just more for me to grow from. I haven’t seen him since I left in November and we left it on a weird note of inappropriate touching in a mutual masturbation evening of awkwardness.. I guess now, I can see why he didn’t respect my boundaries or lack there of then since I gave it a go but here, while I’m literally pouring out my insecurities and understanding for me needs of change and self respect and he’s just crossing the line? really? I just let it happen? shame on me… I WILL get this! I swear! I am going to feel mean and scared in the process. Scared that by pushing someone away that likes who am I without the strength to stand up for myself in these types of situations.. scared that he may not like the “new” self respect and stupidly, I care about what someone else may think.. Well… more issues for me to deal with… challenges to overcome. I’m just trying to not beat myself up in the process of learning.