What about me??


I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I’m willing to put up, which I know is more than most, I’ve always known that but the thing I’m trying to figure out is why? WHY is the dream so much easier to believe than the reality? Why is the fantasy so much harder to give up? The hope that the promised will actually come through?? Well, it’s not! It hasn’t!! Why do I still struggle with my own self worth?? Why do I hold on so long?? or give up so easily?? Which I know is a contradiction which is why it hurts!! “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”. Why do I give so many chances to other people but less to myself?? And why is my chance worth less? Why do I still pick boys?? If I say goodbye to this one, will I learn my lesson? Why do I find or keep people in my life that are not willing to fight for me? Or why do I give up on myself so easily? a few days ago… I didn’t call him back after he didn’t call the day before but him saying “if you don’t contact me today, I’ll consider us kaput” invoked my fear of HIM going away rather than me realizing that I am worth more. WHY have I not kicked him off by now? Is it the people pleasing in me? The desire to not be looked upon unfavorably? to be the better woman? to keep the hope alive that it could turn out better and he could actually show up for me? I feel like I’ve been fighting to keep HIS theory alive but the reality is… it’s not even 2 months of knowing each other and there have been waaaay too many issues to overcome and recover from to make this work. UNLESS.. fuck me for saying it… FORGIVENESS is what it is and not lack of self worth. My mom said… “he’s only asking for this one thing, give it to him.” I KNOW that this is a LOT of EGO!! BUT, BUT BUTTT!!! It’s NOT just this ONE THING!! and I’ve asked for things, not even too many.. just basics like: lead with something nice and call me something endearing and cherishible rather than off-putting… SHOWER for FUCK’s SAKE! Follow through and be consistent with your actions and words. AND again, there’s a lot, a lot, a lot of ego but as I look back on it the stuff that’s been really good, cherish worthy has come from me! My hope was that we could make a go of this and build something strong enough to make it through a few months apart or weeks if he came to NY but my “plan”, my “expectation” has been laughed upon and dismantled as I would’ve liked to have avoided. My expectation is that I am IMPORTANT enough to myself to not settle for crap in my life. It feels abusive at times and I feel silly others for feeding my ego. Writing this calms me down at points and stirs me up at others. He has called 3 times and texted once in the last few hours, finally leaving a message scared that I won’t talk to him so he can tell me all the wonderful things he’s come up with since we’ve been apart and he’s come out of his hole.. of course, after the party in which I was not allowed to attend at his house. WHY do I care??? Let him suffer! Get a taste of what it feels like.. if he’s capable of those feelings.