So I can handle with absolutely no issues, plans changing during the day. I expect it! I welcome the challenges of manipulating events to fit between my scheduled uncertainty. BUT I am NOT as ok changing the plans when the sun goes down. Why?? What’s the difference? I mean really?? Does it really matter that I have to eat by myself or go to a movie or drive to an event alone? I mean really??? This is stupid!! It does not! So then why do I pout when my expectation is not met with a forced changed that I, myself, did not conjure up?

Is this a lack of control thing? I feel like a baby at times and this is not the best foot I can put forth for someone I care about! Is this more testing on my part to make sure I matter to him? More pushing! and for what?? I know perfectly well he is flat out busy. I’m acting like a baby and I KNOW I’m doing it!! Childish! He’s been busting his ass setting up for a charity party while I, what? I could have gone to the spa? or have taken a longer nap? Really??? How selfish am I being? like a huge spoiled baby! He’s working his ass off, sweating, moving heavy lights by himself for days now and I’m complaining about feeling pushed aside when he changes the plans on me? Well, in my defense… we were asked to meet the hosts at the party for dinner at 6p and that was my plan so then being asked to meet at 530 at his place to go together seemed just fine. I had enough time to “pretty up” for him since i love being “shown-off” and the charity event for the “through the lens foundation” is a perfect moment to spend with him in a social setting. Right? Well, then the call came at 5p as I was driving away, saying we weren’t going to meet at his place at 530, that I should meet at the party at 7 and we would go back to his place so he can change and we could have some “cuddle-time” before heading BACK to the event. Now, this did not seem logical to me so I suggested I just meet him at 6p like we had planned and then HE could go back home to change while I helped out with the party if they needed me. He said that wasn’t comfortable for him so I should eat and come after 730p. OK… THAT made me feel pushed aside. The plan would’ve worked out just fine if he had planned for the worst case… that he would run into a time crunch and had just brought clothes to change into at the event since he was adopting the family as his own anyway and they him, I’m sure a quick shower would’ve been completely reasonable.

NOW, it was getting to my threshold of nourishment and I was NOT feeling included in the plans nor was my assistance being recognized. I have some BRILLIANT IDEAS!! And I know not everyone thinks like me or plans for the un-planable as most do not carry 4 changes of clothes in their car as I do for unseen changes as this. All I wanted was to show up, look pretty, kiss my man and enjoy the party! THIS was not too much to ask. Did we have to arrive together? NO. did we have to LEAVE together? NO. I just wanted to be there with him (a clean shaven, well dressed, great smelling version of him) as I was putting in efforts to look good for him. I didn’t want to be a second thought nor, if I stopped to think about it truly as an adult in that situation instead of a bratty child, my abruptness on the phone was uncalled for. If, in that moment I was able to remember that all I wanted was to support him and all the efforts he was making, volunteering his time, services and expertise… I could’ve cut him some slack. He deserves that. He’s an amazing man and I’m foolish for being so self-centered. Pout, pout, pouty lips

I’m sitting behind him right now, with headphones playing Vivaldi in my ears as the room shifts from light to dark with each sequence of numbers and letters he programs for the greater. All I wanted was to be near him today. And… he is still letting me 🙂

Oh, and the event was a huge success! He made that place feel magical! The tacos were fabulous, I won a silent auction photograph with my first sentence spoken “I can do it!” Well, mine was really “I do it” as I pushed my mom’s hand away while she tried to feed me… (side-not finished)… and an Ipad3. I’ll take the wrapping off this one 😉