Better choices, Computer-guy, better choices!!

I hear YOUR voice in my head saying “How can you let someone treat you this way?” or “Why would you let someone treat you that way?” YOUR VOICE!! And you’re the one that’s treating me this and that way. YOU!! AND Now I hear my own… WHY do I let YOU treat me this way? Why have I continued to ALLOW the poor treatment from you, someone I care about push me away and keep me at arm’s length? and continue to make excuses for this distance. Why have I allowed myself to pushed aside? Made fun of in front of other people and talked down to sternly, like a child; not listened to? I hear angry neighbor and the fear or anger in you by the way you choose to so selfishly discount me and my feelings. Negating my distaste for being called “Nice-lady”. “You’re a nice lady” has come out of your mouth more times than I care to count as I’m not sure, humor? a supposed endearing nickname? EVEN though I have expressed my adverse reaction to it… you don’t seem to CARE at all!! Not one tiny cell of you wants to HEAR how those words push me away. MY reaction is not favorable and you don’t seem to care! That’s a “B” choice ifI’d ever heard one!

What happened to the guy I talked to on the phone that asked me to “fall in love and get us off the internet”? What happened to the guy that said “I’ve reached my destination” when we were together? “Being together IS the destination”. The guy that RAN 9 blocks to bring me a photo of our walk through the canals because it was Valentine’s day, the traffic was stopped and you didn’t think you’d have enough time to spend with me? The guy that brought me flowers and thai food so we could spend time together while I house-sat in Burbank at my mom’s home? The guy that sent me “I miss your face” and “kisses” texts and song lyrics about “cherishing” and articles about “cherishing and relating to each other on a continuous daily basis without bringing in to the next moment a previous experience? the guy that couldn’t wait to talk to me and spend the day with me? WHERE did HE GO??

Your ACTIONS and WORDS do not match up!! Or do they?? In week 2 you were upset because you were SOOOO horny around me because you hadn’t been attracted to someone in a way you were attracted to me and you couldn’t control yourself so you SHUT DOWN instead. WHY would I even HAVE to explain myself to you or anyone I’d known for 14 days why I wasn’t ready to have to sex with them even though I had been honest about my past, maybe too honest since you felt pushed aside and didn’t care to “cherish” my words only react in a childish, selfish manner. YES, we had both had sex with many other people before we had met but to me… this was a clean slate; you, a new person… new experience to cherish. But I was made to feel that there was something wrong with ME!?!! The cherishable response is to just “accept” that I would be ready when I was ready! NOT cut off, blame me and withhold touching, telling me that maybe we should just be “friends” then… you’re in “no rush!” Really?? then why the pushing? and disregard for me and my feelings? But of course your words say “I am listening to you… you’re not ready so I have to respect that and just not touch you”. THAT’s MATURE!! You do’t get what you want so you’ll take away ANY contact? Only above the neck, you said but then would get upset if you or I wanted to touch a chest… silly games!!

Also at 2 weeks.. you told me that you “loved me”. We laid on your bed after some sort of “session” and you looked me in the eye and said “I love you!” I did not return the words but the feeling was the same as I kissed your lips. Then next day you said, “if we make it through the month, you’d give me a front gate key.” The next few times we saw each other you would tell me we were “just friends”. We went to Palmdale and I told you some personal issue I was having and you turned it on me abrasively telling me I had sexual hang-ups and there was something “wrong with me” because after a couple hours of “intense discussion” I couldn’t come up with answers to combative direct questions, completely disregarding the fact I had asked you if we could just stop talking for a few minutes while your hands tucked under your leg closest to me while sitting int he same car. I had to convince you to take yourself out of your bubble. a “bubble” I’ve grown to know very well in these few weeks.

When you see me after driving… you need some “time to recover” from the traffic. When we are around people in a restaurant you wince and shut me down if I speak to anyone because it makes you uncomfortable… so squish me to me make you less uncomfortable which you won’t feel anyway since you never really feel super comfortable in your “social awkwardness”, as you put it. You have realized that you get snippy and spiteful toward me when we are around your friends for the fear, maybe, that I may cling on to them after we break up… as you’ve voiced to me. Expressing to you that that’s not my style and to please not judge me by your past girl’s methods… it’s happened twice now, in front of YOUR friends.. the people who care about you and want to see you happy. You belittled me with “you’re an actress” and “my property in the ghetto”. Again, not “cherishing and not even NICE! In fact.. quite the opposite! YOU even realized you did it the first time and told me you didn’t want to treat me that way but you did it again, when around YOUR friends again at a party at your home. You made reference to “upper middle age vaginas” and that would have been just fine if you had not referred to ME as upper middle age, which I am NOT! AND take offense to. This was amongst not just your roommates this time but others you work with… awesome! When I brought it to your attention, you dismissed it and made it tout to be MY problem! You bubbled off again. My going to New York has been an “issue” for you in my opinion and if it’s brought up as it was, by you, that night while we lay on your bed while we spoke of you moving your computer set-up out of your room since it was agreed upon as not being a healthy choice for you now.. you said that as soon as I was gone you’d move it back in anyway? I asked you if you were ok with me going and you said it was a decision I’d made before you were around.. in such a flippant, bubbled off way and when I asked you about keeping me at a distance and if that was one of the causes you defended yourself and lashed out at me then telling me we should talk about it another time so I got quiet to honor that and you were upset that I was quiet! There was NO way to WIN! You squished me on the walk to breakfast with your friends, telling me I “wasn’t in control of this adventure!” And NOT allowing me to ask questions of the cashier or get all our food out on the same ticket since it might embarrass you so instead your friends were uncomfortable because our food came out so much later and I was feeling disrespected and unable to be myself.. squished!

When you came to my house for the “weekend” without a change of clothes you slept! We were going to get up at 4a, walk down the street and watch the “levitating rock” slowly move through the roads. We didn’t get up for this. You were disgusted at the thought of my being “excited for you” to see it! It had been something you had been tracking and I was excited to take this adventure with you. You pushed me into defending my position of excitement and glee! That I could have no reason to be happy about something but soley because you were. That was an icky feeling for you. After our Saturday jaunt to the Valley to get my goddaughter and drop her in San Pedro we made it to the Malibu Vineyard, where you felt tired and shut off so I drove a sleeping you back to my home and we napped. I thought we would get up but we didn’t except for a late night trip to the pizza place where you wouldn’t let me talk to the waitstaff so instead we waited about an hour for 2 slices of pizza, then we came home and slept. You told me not to get “feelings involved”…’don’t FEEL anything”, while we were laying mostly naked intertwined after I had just “pleasured you for over an hour while you ate ice-cream in my bed. When I rolled away saying “that’s not very nice” you called me “poopy”. Then after a few moments asked me to roll back over because you were feeling close, too and that’s why you said it. Do you know you’re NEVER apologize for any of these hurtful statements? The words “I’m sorry” do not come out of your mouth without a “but” behind it? or an explanation to justify your crappy, uncaring comments? I don’t get a hug when I am hurt or my feelings are uncared for… I get a “reasonable explanation”. My tears don’t get wiped, you get defensive and I get scolded. THIS is not my idea of “cherish”. After this “fun-filled” napping weekend… we were both on our Ipads and you mocked my choice of playing a game while you read the NY Times. (I had taken the plastic off the Ipad by this point… another story in which MY choice for me and MY comfort for myself with an object that was MINE was mocked and unacceptable to you). I got up to take a shower and you did not join me. You lay in bed until the last moment then we began on our walk of doom! I thought it was brunch but it was a way for you to bubble off and for me to defend myself. After a mostly silent meal with a harried pace and a lot of tension resulting in me asking you to “lead with something nice” and mocking saying “I guess we should break up then” since NONE of ANY of what you were upset about was a big deal to me but a way to keep me at bay.. we walked in mostly silence, anger and frustration with a lack of understanding for each other. When you got home you realized that you were anxious from being away from work so many days and that not taking a shower does not make you feel human and thus more agitated and that maybe you should’ve taken a shower after all.

After you left my place that day… 3 weeks ago, things were not the same! That was the last time you came here or even attempted to come here. You began to shut off, got more combative and reclusive.

There have been times when you have asked me to make sure to tell you to get up from the computer, to take a shower, to eat something and also telling me that it’s not my responsibility to make sure you do any of that. How confusing is that?? You have been leading a very unhealthy lifestyle as productive as it has been… it’s been extremely unhealthy. I think if it was not for your roommates, you would have perished 😉

You told me you had thought of buying me flowers 3 times but ran out of time; that you would cherish me with a picture every day in which I received 2 of; that you love writing letters and would send me poetry and cards in which I’ve received none… IT’s ALL TALK!! And very little follow through! At least it stopped so quickly that the words have not matched the actions and the actions speak way louder that the words as we both agreed.

The last 3 weeks have been distant and awkward; filled with silence, disconnection, miscommunication, agitation, emptiness and hurt feelings.. at least from my side of the fence. There has been seemingly from you, no desire for connection except a random phone call most days whereabouts you are not listening to or seeming to care about anything that’s going on with me, mostly not even asking anything. You have been intolerant, moody and disinterested but somehow managed to go to a birthday party of a friend’s father. THAT could grab you away from the computer for a few minutes with me or to show up to an event that means the world to me as my mentoring show or even the few minutes to take a shower so you may in your words “feel human” around me is unfathomable!

I asked you weeks ago about your birthday and you said you didn’t want to be the center of a party you just wanted to throw a party but decided against it as the only days that matter in your world are Burning Man. so I made arrangements to be in Catalina with my goddaughter as that was the best time for all parties. I asked you because Birthdays ARE special to me… a day in which extra special cherishing happens. After our horribly uncomfortable lunch last week in which we broke up, didn’t break up… confusion.. you decided to have a party after all. in which I was not informed of for 4 days after the invite went out. I did not know about it, you said, “because you’re not my FB friend”. REALLY?? I have to be your FB friend for you to tell me that you are going to have a party for your birthday???? We’ve been dating for almost 2 months!! AND THEN the day before you call me to “talk to me” about having me NOT come to the party and all the reasons you can think of of being and acting selfishly so you can maybe “be romantic with me the next time we see each other”. HOW do you think THAT is going to work??? By PUSHING ME ASIDE AGAIN but this time surrounding a time in which I feel is special because you are not sure how I am going to handle you not “being a couple” as you want to do your own thing and throw this party?? That “in the past” IN THE PAST!!!!! NOt relating in the NOW, from the person that I have SHOWN YOU TO BE by MY PAST with you!! That your selfishness, and self-proclaimed at that, selfishness is all you’re asking for!! YOU want a day to unwind, NOT see “the woman you hold dear in your gut”, the woman that you have thought of marrying someday… YOU want to EXCLUDE me from your life another day, WITH your friends, so you don’t have to think about me or connect with me in ANY way… BUT THAT’s ALL YOUR ASKING??? oh.. and for me to be OK with that so we can be “romantic” the next time we see each other? WHY would I let someone treat me that way??? WHY WOULD I LET YOU Treat me that way??? AND WHY would you want to? If you “cherish me the way you “believe” you say you do… Laughing at me when I say I should be a reward for you finishing your project telling me I’m funny for thinking that?? well, I think I know where we stand!! Because I’m a “nice lady” I guess I shouldn’t be affected by any of this! I should continue to “cherish” and “love” someone who is too afraid to get “feelings” involved that it’s better to push me away with actions and words alike rather than “getting caught up and falling for a beautiful woman because you can lose yourself in their power”… Well… I want to be with someone that I don’t have to raise! To bring through a relationship or teach how to be vulnerable and let go.. someone who actually LOVES someone other than themselves! Because when push comes to shove… I will ALWAYS be a Nice Lady but I refuse to allow myself to settle for this shit anymore!!! I don’t deserve to be treated like crap by ANYONE especially by someone I care about deeply! I’ve cried too many times in the last few weeks to keep caring about this or you. It’s time to care about me again!!!