CD guy

I don’t get it!!! WHAT happened?? How did we go from something to nothing in no time flat?? It hurts my patterns. It hurts my heart! My self esteem and ego are bruised and I don’t get it!! I WISH I understood!

I’m told by my friends to not contact him as I don’t want to appear “crazy” BUT… WHAT THE FUCK?? What happened? Don’t I get answers? Don’t I deserve that?? Wait until after the weekend… It’s been about 4 days since I called him to “check in”. He has not called back. I thought he was dealing with all the shit that he’s spelled out for me… gaining weight, eating poorly, drinking too much, loss of interest in his job, maybe wanting to travel, to move to West… his birthday.. all piled up into a ball of mess for him as he’s laid out for me in our late night talks and walks and kisses. I saw him a week ago when I brought him a balloon for his bday at his work… maybe not the best move but he said he liked me coming over and that it was nice. I sang a song on his machine the next day after our late night texting in which he responded… “not feeling too hot, call you later :)” in a text. That was Saturday last week and I’ve heard NOTHING!!

This is the guy that left a party, late night to meet me in a coffee shop for an hour just to see me while he darted glances giggling telling me how excited he was to be around me since he had envisioned who he wanted in his life and that “vision board” picture was of me. My personality, my look, my hair, my humor and there we were sitting in front of each other. e kissed me for the first time on my stairway with fumes leaking from his body. I was drunk off of him. He showed up! That was a big step for me! A first step because the attraction was apparent. He didn’t come to my bday party the next day because he was embarrassed to tell me that he didn’t want to show up too early and he didn’t want to show up too late so he just stayed home, dressed, feeling silly for not making it out. BUT he showed the a couple nights later at a bar where I had a few people out that also didn’t make the party for various reasons. He TOLD me he’s usually shy but not with me for some reason, that he was self conscious and sorry for missing my party as he held my hand walking me home where he grabbed me in front of a school, pinning my arm behind my back kissing me because he couldn’t help himself. His touch stimulated my heart and soaked my underpants. We talked everyday practically and a couple days later he texted me to see where I was remembering I prefer to talk on the phone, called me and told me to stop where I was he was coming to meet me. I was exhausted but he convinced me so I sat in a bus stop on 14th street until he walked…ran the 3 avenues to find me. We sat there kissing, my head on his shoulder too tired to moved while he removed my shoes, massaging my feet from my long day then grabbed my bags and walked me home. “I have to take you on a date” he said. Ac couple days later.. he texted “where are you right now?” And again, walked 4 avenues to meet me after I left the dentist, in a book store, with my lips numb.. we walked back across town and had lunch in the park. I walked him back to his work and we shared a small kiss (It was in front of his work, you know…I didn’t want to take the initiate so he did saying “oooh, that was nice, that’s great”, eyes closed… I didn’t hear from him the next day Tuesday or even Wednesday so tat night I initiated the text and a call. He responded to the text with humor but didn’t answer the call. And nothing Thursday. Friday morning he texted “Sorry I didn’t call back, I had a long day”. I asked if he he a full day. Yes. And asked if he had made plans for his birthday which was the next night and he was going to go to see his family. I showed up at his work with a large balloon and a card. He kissed me “hello” and we shared some time, about an hour, before a coworker showed up. I stayed a few more minutes and he walked me to the elevator, giving me a small kiss. Later that night I asked if he brought the hula balloon to jersey and he said he was still in the city, he’d go tomorrow and the balloon stayed at work. We texted a few times and I said that he’d get a bday song in the morning and we said goodnight. The next morning I called and sang him his song on his machine and he texted back a few minutes later “Not feeling so hot. Will call you later :)” AND I’ve not heard from him since!!

Why do I want the unavailable ones? The ones that show me that they are not going to continue to show up and be kind to me?? WHY are THOSE the ones I want so bad in my soul?
Why do I think oh.. THIS ONE is going to be different?? MY pattern brings only the SAME ones to my life and give me the same worthless reaction. Self-esteem issues and insecurities!!

I KNOW he’s been struggling with a few life things because he TOLD me so. SOOOOOO Why is he ignoring me now?? AND more importantly… WHY do I care to stay in contact with someone who does NOT want to be in contact with me?? I’m just hurting myself by perpetuating my patterns. HE’S not doing anything!! He is just living his own life with whatever gets him through, which is apparently not talking to me! I just don’t understand what changed?!!

When I was a kid my dad would hole himself up away from me for 3 days at a time. Lights out, dog in his bedroom, no movement, silence. He would walk past me and say nothing! Eventually a note on the kitchen counter or a phone call would emerge telling me to call his secretary (which was his girlfriend) in the morning to set up a time to talk after hours. WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE!! I felt it was a punishment and I don’t think Ive recovered from that feeling. Years later he tells me that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel bad but it was his way of controlling himself from saying something he may regret in the moment. But to me it was the most painful abandonment imaginable! So I have this horribly painful pattern of going after the ones that push me away! I have made myself sick over trying to understand it and let the ego go. I DO intellectually understand it has nothing to do with me but emotionally?? I’m a young child being pushed away because I did something bad and silence is my punishment. I know I didn’t do anything wrong here with this one! This is NOT my issue! BUT I am raw with my little girl insecurities and need to be acknowledged and liked. When will this end??


Computer-guy void

Sitting in my bed with a tiny twinge of a pit of fear he has moved too far away, that allllll the talk of in the last couple days has pushed him from cherish to “see ya”! TRUST!! TRUST!!

I feel that if I reach out then he will respond but maybe not the attaining the desire from himself.

ME: (confronting him pushing my finger in his chest)
I want it to be “special”. This is different and I want to treat it a bit more precious, I guess. And it’s not that I have a lot of things to work out or that I’m broken in some way but the complete opposite. I am coming at this, to you from a place that is genuine. I wouldn’t be here or have met you if I still was working from old patterns. This IS special and I want to cherish it! (grabbing the sides of his head, staring into his eyes) This means more to me, you mean more to me and I actually have some self esteem and self-confidence. I have broken through the patterns I struggled with for so long and have reached a place where I am excited to be with someone instead of fearing so much and that someone is you. This is a great thing that I am not jumping into something so quickly that my head and heart can’t keep up with my desires. I’m here. And this IS different. This is special!

I don’t want you to think that I want this to end. I don’t. I just had to come up with a way to back off my desires so we can go at your pace.

We set off for lunch with his mind preoccupied from work and time constraints.

I spent the day with him yesterday, after lunch at True Food in Santa Monica, sitting on his bed while he worked out a computer glitch. I tended to some organizing as I brought everything but my computer to work. While his mind wrested with the complexity of algorithms and striving for simplicity, mine was realizing patterns and old habits broken.

ME: (holding him in my arms lying on his bed, rubbing his head, kissing his forehead)
I’m glad that we had yesterday because it brought us to today!

I had a good day yesterday.

I wanted to jump from the moving car all twittery in my body at times. It was hard! But I wouldn’t change it.

Me either.

This is one of my favorite days ever. (pause) This is the cherish. (pause) You don’t understand how much this means to me, yet. This is my most favorite.

And I’ve not yet had an erection. thank you for that. See, we can go on your slow pace and not get excited at all.

And, I know there is some truth in his slight and I know that he’s doing what he can to maneuver through my pacing and comforts. I just hope that it doesn’t put such a damper on things for him as he says it will not, TRUST, C, that he disappears or retreats so much that the “cherish” is tarnished. I hope that the seriousness which we shared the last couple days and all the “bombs” I set out there are side-stepped or disengaged. This is uncharted territory for us both. He’s never been so attracted to someone so much that their clothes must be ripped off every moment, which is my doing, I guess. I am a hugely sexual being with a lot of talk and if I didn’t care about the person I wouldn’t care about myself either as that was always the pattern but I’m in a different place and I do care about myself and I do care about him so much that the fears are not getting in the way. But tough shit!! I mean if you really “cherish me” as your words speak… then DO that!

I choose to live my life with the lack of fears and barriers that I had put up to protect myself from my other fears and insecurities. Now, I still have them and they are being tested at this moment as I lie here noticing that my phone has not rang and no texts or pictures have appeared at almost 11a and the fears of too much talking and too much honesty in too short a period of time have the ability to crush the free-spirit of this adventure, all I can do is trust that it will all work out to the advantage of all parties involved. I mean, if he asked me to marry him, I would most likely say yes at this point. That’s a strange thought coming from me and having that we have not had sex at all… just up to the point, all hot and heavy, still clothed, which to him is torture resulting in “bad behavior” on his part like rubbing his penis in my hair. “I’ve NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!” he’s mortified. I’m not as phased. Which is worse? Why does that not phase me in a negative way? why is the stop line intercourse? Why do I see intercourse and touching in different categories? Not all as sex… He can put his finger in me and lick my pussy (for a moment) but I won’t touch his penis. In fact when he took his pants off, not wearing underwear, while in my bed, though my underwear were on, my body actually recoiled, twitching with my words of “too much, too much, too much” the only audible sounds I was able to muster. What was my body telling me there? I had overstepped my threshold. Why were my words not able to come out to protect me? I mean that must have been the craziest thing he’s experienced or one of. I know it was pretty weird for me. But my threshold was reached and even though I was saying with words “I’m not ready” or even “STOP!”, “RESPECT me and my words”, my body was still allowing for the physical play to go too far, passing his limit and really that is not fair and I do feel horribly about that. so I apologized to him over and over with him telling me to “stop, It’s really ok”. And we instead of having him go home being so late, he asked to stay and put his pants on and then my comforts were regained. We slept divinely intertwined even after we pealed our sweaty bodies from each other from the overheated tempurpedic material and synthetic white comforter. He kept telling me that everything was ok and for me to stop making a big deal out of it. But I knew that or didn’t trust that my behavior would have some diminishing effect on how he saw me and my sanity.

I don’t want to know that you have gone over your food budget by $300. I don’t want to know that you have such financial struggles. I am acutely aware the effect money has on people and the fact that he has brought it up… “wow, didn’t know 6 figures wasn’t enough, guess not” or “girlfriends are expensive” is not a sign of strength to me. It makes ME feel uncomfortable. Stop It!!