1st: I want to apologize for leaving. My frustrations for being shut down by you got the better of me. I am sorry for that!!
I’m pissed off that you are eating ALL the cake I brought for us to share after a careful deliberation of desserts finally landing on the one that made my mouth drool when I spoke it’s name out loud.
Here’s the DEAL:
All I wanted was to go home after enjoying my dinner alone! I was fine to eat alone and was happy to do so. Was I disappointed that you would get up and go when your friends asked you to join them and not when I did? YES! Did I change my mind and call you over and over and over making the decision to allow the frustrations of “poor thinking” (oh, well.. he’s not answering me after I called and text) and (WHY would he need permission to eat with his friends? To clear HIS conscience? These are his irrational thinking, not mine. Whatever, dude.. do what you want!) taking a breath and changing my thinking to say.. “HEY, Awesome! Decision made! Guess I’d prefer to give myself so “ME time.” I was PREFECTLY happy to sit at RFD by myself and eat tacos and sip tea rather than rush out to join a group of people just to eat with them/you. I didn’t need the company. That, I decided, wasn’t my best decision so I chose something else. To stay put. With absolutely NO remorse or ill-feelings. I welcomed the time. It was a very enjoyable meal, playing solitaire, until my phone died, and a needed solace for me it seems.
I then received a frantic or disturbed phone call from you telling me I was upset? Getting louder at me while I was enjoying my quiet?? Really?? What did I do wrong and WHY do I have to defend myself?? I’m calmly enjoying my tea! All I did was stick to my original plan AND include you in it! Twice. AND when I changed my mind… I called AND texted to let you know. There is NOTHING more I could have done. I was HALF expecting/hoping that you would change your mind after seeing my text and seeing the many times I called and come to meet me… but you didn’t and that was OK! When you nonchalantly told me I could “stop by” if I wanted… I really just wanted to go home after my long day on the Westside, even saying that to you by which you changed the intent and told me you didn’t want to “leave it this way” and that I “should come over”. Still confused as to why it was soooo important, it seemed it was so I agreed to come over. I actually felt and THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY to you… ‘I felt that you were worried that something was wrong. With us. And that you were scared I was angry and might shut down or leave’. With this in my mind… I was happy to come over to hug you and assure you know that everything was fine. I still didn’t understand why you were so upset that I didn’t join you after it seemed you were asking my permission to go out with your friends for fear that I would be upset…or maybe you were scared for my well being?? And IF this was how you felt… vulnerable or whatever…that I was here. And all was ok! With me. With US! That I was sorry if I made you feel sensitive or that something was wrong. And that if that was what you wanted to say… you wanted to hug me or feel reassured then I would rather you just said THAT. Be direct rather than be wishy-washy, saying that leaving my stopping back over up to me and then being upset when I made the decision to just go home… And I was not allowed to say it to you. I was not allowed to tell you all this; to speak my mind. YOU had resolved whatever you needed to and when you told me that I couldn’t “rehash” or talk about it?? THAT’s when I got upset! THAT is when!! I was fine when I walked up. Happy to eat chocolate peanut butter cake!!
I DO NOT want to be shut down! I have things I need to say, too! And I KNOW that you live with people and that you are VERY concerned about THEM and people being in your “business” and you being embarrassed, especially by me, but really… all you had to do was to let me talk…which is what I needed to do… maybe hear me for 3 minutes?; to express to you that I’m sorry if I scared you by not showing up and that it actually made me feel like you were worried about me, about US and I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. OK, I know…I don’t always get to the point. I’m not all business and ration. I’m full of feelings and emotions and sometimes I have to set some things up, the story, so it can be expressed in a way where my feelings get out and not just the words. This is how I communicate. And I’d appreciate encouragement, not being shut down! And I’d appreciate being respected and feeling listened to just as YOU do with me. I came over because it seemed important to you… which is what you expressed. And, again… I was happy to do it even bringing chocolate peanut butter cake!
Maybe even an apology for talking to me in the tone you did when YOU were upset and I was calmly eating my meal?? THAT would be welcomed as well. Just saying there was “double miscommunication” doesn’t FEEL like any ownership of the way you spoke to me and that again, it’s just MY fault. Wrong for my actions of changing my mind and doing what I could to communicate it to you? and wrong for my feelings and thinking as well. That’s not fair!
It feels very one-sided for you to say what you need, how and when you want but the same courtesy is not returned! I don’t want to feel wrong for having opinions and thoughts and feelings even if they are inconvenient! And sometimes our thoughts and feelings are going to be on a different timetable. And THAT’s OK!!! It’s part of cherishing each other’s process and each other as individuals.
So… Again, I apologize and I am SORRY for getting flustered and walking out! I am embarrassed by this behavior. I am SORRY if I aided in you feeling as if you were doing something wrong by deciding to eat with your friends, even though this was never my intent! I’m sorry for changing my mind and assuming you had your phone with you attached to your hip and scaring you or making you feel uneasy when you were not able to reach me! It is NEVER my intent to make you feel ANYTHING but encouraged, loved and Wonderful!! MOST Always!! I care a great deal about you and want to enjoy as much time as possible with each other, getting to know each other, growing with each other to continue to build this relationship while I am here in the next month, so the foundation has a chance to grow stronger while I am a mere flight away!