“My advice for you comes from you and I’m just guessing here but… He won’t change, C-. He’ll never really be there for you and you know it. He’ll never show up when you need him. When ur ready to live your life in legit happiness and mutual adoring respect and to be charished lemme know and I’ll consider it. Ok… Said my piece. I’m done. XoJ”
He’s truly out of his mind!! give it up, crazy man.. it’s been a year and a half!!
My armpit is as tender as my left nipple! Again… late by a few minutes. I’ll get the timing for sure! I would just rather walk than jump under the city to the heated tunnel, waiting around for something to move me! It’s Summer in NYC and the weather is so much cooler than yesterday! The mugginess has gone and the sun is still shining.
“Hi – just wanted to say, I’d be totally hitting on you if you lived in NYC. Good luck with your online trolling.. ;)” was his opening line… so, second in line, he was..
After a couple of drinks, being pelted with wind on the rooftop of the Pennisula Hotel and a back splatter of red-wine, compliments of the 4 drunk Itlaian guys next to us and mother nature’s humor… After planting one, eye open kiss on me.. we stumbled into the elevator headed down to the bustling street. Date 2 was a good looking guy, can’t remember his profile pic but I guess enough as it didn’t take long to recongize each other. Didn’t show the intense dry patches of skin covering his redened, flaky face. Guess the 2 Mojitos from the the bartendar that “looked like he was in a fight”, lavished helped me not see that anymore 🙂 I remember thinking “wow, he doesn’t listen to me at all. I could say anything right now and he wouldn’t even know it. Glad he’s telling me about his city living.” But somehow.. we were next in a cab headed for a cross town bar to meet some of his friends. There was a long line which I talked our way into passing to fight our way to 1 more beer. I was sent out or maybe volunteered to snatch up a 4th friend waiting in the fierce line outside. within moments we were back and I was being whipped around, taken through the crowd, throwing goodbyes and back in a cab. “Now where? Was the game over?” I might have said out loud. He had been talking about his white walls and interior design flaws being a single man has brought about. Out of the cab, into the white walls of his NYC condo. Ikea-kind furniture and picture-less walls brought a kissing frenzy. Thrown down on the bed, wine soiled sweater off and the tumbling continued. Nipple biting to almost bloodshed, the pants were yanked off. Placing his less than average size cock in my mouth.. Intoxicated by the intent, my body wanting… he asked.. “are you in for all this?” “What? all what?” I slithered. Yanked up and tossed over, one wrist being held by straps fastened to the bed. Lightly holding my neck, my eyes widened as the 2nd wrist was tightened. His mouth cupping my clit, licking my inner thigh, biting at my left nipple as to take it into the next room. “You can tie 3 limbs but not 4, please don’t kill me and wear a condom.” I said with almost delight. There was little fear only erotic pleasure as the mojitos worked there way through. My tugging as he placed a sheet over my head gave way to the almost bruising felt the morning after. My heart raced as my performance greatened. His inadequate size was not enough for me to feel pulverized by. His hootspah was intoxicating; confidence lubricating. I stayed the night after he untied my body; waking to his pale, pot-bellied body pressed into mine stroking the small of my back. He was sweet enough to pay for my morning after pill since when asked… “I usually wear one, not sure what happened,” was pleasantly thrown out there. “but you have nothing to worry about if that’s an issue,” he assured me. So a stroll to the pharmacy in an early morning, blurred eye walk cross town, wearing the wine stained innocent pale pink sweater, thinking… 6 months of testing and no more than 1 drink on a date!! He doesn’t have my number… NEXT!!!
So many more emails than my typical exchange: all within a 3 or so weeks
1st: from HIM..(5’10, artist, computer guy with own company, grew up in Missouri, now lives in NYC for the last 3 years. can’t tell since some of the pics are older and blurry but from what I can see.. light eyes, great smile, hair-darkish blond?)
ME: thanks for hearing them…
How’s your day treating you, Oh wise-one?
HIM:
This weekend my great Aunt is throwing a surprise party for her husband who is throwing a surprise party for her on the same day… So.. lots of family… You?
Hoping “they” go easy on you today… It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…
What lessons are you using today that you learned from someone special?
Have you ever told the lesson giver that you heard him?
Some cousins have arrived with more pouring in… should make for a fabulous photo op.. I’ll report back.
Sorting is starting to get me cross-eyed. I thought I had done a fairly good job keeping my past photos in some semblance of order. Some gremlins must have gotten into the external hard drive and had a good laugh mixin’ ’em all up again.
I never did tell that man who taught me the lesson. He is the same man who freaked out when I told him I was leaving his firm and came after me with a bunch of lawyers and threats. He thought I was planning to steal his clients. I promised him no such thing was in the works – in fact, we would probably want to partner with his firm once we were set up. He demanded my business plan. I refused. He has never spoken with me again. Sad really.
By rain, I meant ,… That melancholy moment when you’re staring out a window and see the first fresh drops darken the sidewalks. That moment that you the rain is coming down so hard it sounds like applause and you just get under an awning and stand in awe of the power of nature to cleanse itself. That moment when you see the red blob advancing on the radar map and you take just a moment to think about how precious life is, yet how delicate. That moment standing looking up in a tropical downpour soaked to the bone laughing completely and viscerally without a hint of hesitation because you’re so happy just to be there, and be there with him.
Thoughtful, just is.
HIM Again.. (as I waited 1 day to respond..)
No worries. Hope everything is ok. And, sometimes just a hi can be an absolutely perfect response. Glad you’re well.
I could not agree more with your philosophical passage below. We often think time will always avail itself, or the perfect moment will appear like in a Hollywood movie and we will have the opportunity to play out the scene with honor or at least some semblance of decorum. But tough moments – I don’t know, I am/was a fool/idiot/jerk/bi___, I love you, I’m sorry… – are driven by the spirit and a mind/heart that is aware, clear and willing. Making the time and the effort takes guts, but it’s inspiration is not a reflex but a reflection – a quiet thoughtful introspection that is not just in the moment, but is a long time in the making as one tries to understand life’s true meaning, make an effort to change, and committed owning a light, clean soul.
The weather here is LA-like. A bit muggier than your Manhattan Beach of course. Makes for getting around on crutches a bit more of a workout. But hey, better than 24 inches of snow, 50 mile an hour winds and ice patches on the sidewalks. I’ll take this weather any day.
So,…next week sounds great. Only day I am unable to do anything is Thursday. How about Wed?
Maybe we will get caught in the rain. Either way,…you’ll get the full Guinness tale.”
“Tell me a story”… she said…
The last conversation in person with my grandma was just minutes before I left the house to depart for NYC. She told me she loved me with tears streaming from my eyes. She’s grateful that my relationship with my mom is better and that we can talk to each other now.
“I adore her”, she tells me, “she’s a very special person and I love her very much”. She struggles a bit as her ees open and close one by one, her lids sticking together from the lack of hydration in her system. Her top lip sticks to her teeth and she’s complaining that her head is spinning but doesn’t want anymore medicine for it. “Enjoy your life!!” she perks up. “These are the best years of your life and not just dating but when you do date.. find someone that’s nuce to you and not a jerk. Ok, that’s all!”
The morphone helps her pain but makes her too drowsy though calms the vertigo. She lays awake, eyes closed bacuase “I can’t sleep” she whispers. “Keep watching out for me” I cry. “Tell Grandpa and Brett ‘Hello’ for me”. She just laughs. “I’ll always look out for you in my ehart. Don’t forget about me.” “I could NEVER, Grandma. I’ve been so lucky for all my time with you and our relationship. Thank you for accepting me and loving me, Grandma.” “All I have to give you is the love in my heart… that’s all I have”, she tells me.
Today is the last day I’ll ever see my grandma alove!!! I’m not supposed to know that!! WE are NOT supposed to know the Last Day!! It’s not the last day she’l be alive but it’s the last time I’ll see her. I feel she and I have been lucky to have had each other…maybe more my luck than her. I don’t know. Last week at the hospital I cried and cried the whole day and when I saw her she shewed me, “Don’t cry! I don’t want you to be sad”, she assured me, “Live Your Life! Be Happy!! I told her that I felt like I owed her an apology. “for what?”, she asked and I blubbered away… “I feel like I let you down for not being married, for you to not be able to come to my wedding, for never meeting my kids.” “Can’t you just find someone to marry?” she asked in her NJ way. “Grandma there isn’t anyone I’ve met so far that I want to be with someone for over a few weeks with lately so…” I shrugged. She just laughed.
I’m gonna miss her laugh. The way her entire body shakes and her extremely loud inhales to catch her breath.
I’m sitting on a plane on my way to NYC to explore a new chapter in my life. I feel we understand each other and have developed a tight bond; friendship; kinship. I have her hands!! She’s always with me. YOU are always with me. I’m gonna miss you, Grandma so very very much. I told her “if you DO have anything else you want to say to me”, “NO, that’s all” she interrupted. “well, if you do…then call me or write to me, you know I love mail…Anything you want to say, I’ll hear” I Love you!
“Naturally, I have been thinking about our conversation since it ended. There are, of course, no magic words to create a spark if one does not exist. But so that I can rest a little easier, I wanted to get this off my chest: saying that I have to keep all of your “instructions” straight in my head was a joke. I did not feel like you were trying to change me, and you shouldn’t either. I like being cajoled into trying new things, including cheese (as long as it’s not too mushy).
Being confident in a relationship comes with time. Some get there sooner than others. If you lived my life, you would be more cautious too. But I was getting there. I had some issues early on because I would have to call you twice before you returned a call. That stuff drives me NUTS (again due to my past), but I didn’t want to say anything because I did not want to come off too needy. It did, however, cause me to doubt. Frankly, that doubt was evaporating when you called.
Asking instead of doing is a subset (or symptom) of confidence. The only reason why I asked in the bedroom was because you said that you didn’t want to have sex, and some people (though certainly not Bill Clinton) have an expansive definition of that.
I wish we could have hung out through May. We’d still have to take a break.
Thank you for reading this. You’re worth (at the very least) this small effort. No need to respond.
I loved your smile.
All the best,”
I just didn’t have anything left to respond with.. what would be the point? to continue the dialog would be futile as I was no longer interested.. It wasn’t fair to lead him to believe otherwise.
email title: you’re on my legal team
him:
“I got that a long time ago C-. I just wanted to make you feel good in spite of everything that went down.
all the best.”
Sweet but unfortunately not interested in the crazy!!
| Really??him:
“Yeah, yeah…. Whatever. :p Good for you. Blow me off or whatever you need to do. Question for you? At this point you can label me crazy, stalkerish, whatever you please. But this goes back to the ‘power of the pause’ if you remember from our sidewalk conversation. C, amidst your defense of being so ****ing aloof, there is something there… something unique… something grand that I feel you have buried! You have buried that treasure for so long that you have resentment about it. You expressed resentment toward me for REALLY ASKING ABOUT YOU. You wanted to rush over your feelings and protect it, almost getting mad at me for trying to peek in. Yes, I wanted you to bring your treasure out and play and share as we ‘kids’ do. But you took it away. And you keep taking it away. You don’t think I don’t hear that part of your life in your voice? Of how you really want to share? For some reason with you, I really ‘hear it’. It’s inexplicable. YES, I called you out on being late. YES I called you out on your appearance for the second date. Because I wanted you to SHOW UP! I wanted the possibility to celebrate with you!! Even on the third date, I drove all that way excited to pick you up and you barely said ‘hi’. You were caught up in your legal letter. I get how nerve racking that could be. But I drove 1.5 hours in traffic excited about my date with you and I have to beg you to acknowledge me? C, even if you are not into me — SHOW UP!!! Pick up the phone! SHOW UP FOR LOVE! It’s waiting for you! If you were a lawyer on my defense team, you would be my best lawyer! You know why? Cause when I asked about your appearance on the second date, you backed me up with, “Yeah, my friends have said, ‘Are you going out on a date like that?’” Next point Counsel S. Phone etiquette. You said your friends even get upset with you that you are not good with the phone. You know why? CAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT YOU! THEY WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! I wanted to hear from you as well! I have no ****ing interest in controlling you. But I have an interest in you being open to love and SHOWING UP FOR IT. Cause I’m waiting. I probably expect to be blocked by you at this point. But think C. THINK. SHOW UP. Open your heart, stop controlling sh*tand running over your emotions. I HEAR how you have been hurt, and I was doing everything in my power to get over my previous hurt and triggers to get to a place where I can share with you. And I got what you said that you have been through what I have been through and NOW you are in a different place. Bullshit. I am calling your bluff. You have your treasure buried for far too long. And I know it’s there. I don’t think you believe it’s even there. Again, customer service lines are now open. And if I don’t hear from you. Good luck. You make me pissed. Because I genuinely care. Signed, not sure how to respond… so better say nothing! Don’t need anymore fuel on this fire!! |
oh, Geez, here we go-
him:
I apologize if I am bugging you or intruding on your space. There are some things that are bugging me that I wanted to come clean about. Yes, I understand this is about ‘me’ so I will explain things from the perspective of taking culpability about it as best as I can.
I will acknowledge that I have been triggered. And being triggered I made some comments and behaviors that were not necessary. Sometimes dogs that have been without a leash for a while don’t know how to handle food been given to them freely. They will growl with a sense of mistrust. Sometimes when they see other dogs that have been without a leash as well, strange miscommunication happens.
There was a point after our third date in which I had a wonderful time, that a shift occurred in me. It felt unusual and almost highly euphoric (which I don’t get that way). Problems can occur when correct communication cannot clearly define the situation. I then came to you describing this thing that has left me feeling ‘vulnerable’. From my assessment, you seemed to be going through something as well as you had a reaction to that emotion, thus labeling it ‘vulnerable boy’ and removing future dates.
I have been going through monumental shifts lately, even previous to meeting you and I feel that on some level that the ‘universe’ has been going through some stuff as well. Recently I have been talking to my more intuitive friends and we have agreed ‘there is some change going on’. That doesn’t justify my actions but it may provide a backdrop to the emotional landscape as you have indicated that you were also not feeling well. And I do consider you to be a highly empathic individual.
So yes I did make comments about your second date appearance. I did make comments about your phone etiquette. I did not need to make those comments. I apologize. That is your business. I do not know you but there was something about your vibration that I clearly identified with and made me feel comfortable. As to the comment on our second date, “I do not have to think about getting along with you.”
Sometimes we live so long without love in its various forms that we don’t know how to trust it’s opening. And like I said, previous to you I have been working on cracking my shell. I decided that I no longer wanted to live without love. I prayed for a companion but I realized that would be shortsighted as to the real goal would be to LOVE all unconditionally. I have been loving selectively and living with shortsightedness.
Since my association with you and ‘our’ unique vibration (I don’t know what to call it C. You may have not felt it, but I am describing it from my experience) I then began to research modalities of negotiation in ‘loving’. Quite typically there are reactions and aversions to ‘controlling’ and ‘doormat’ scenarios. Meaning, that if we have been treated like a doormat in the past, we then resort to a controlling nature which is a opposite polarity. Unfortunately, this action also does not find true balance. That C, is ultimately why I am writing to you.
Somehow when people ‘vibrate’ they vibrate out of their ‘pain bodies’. From my recent research, Eckhart Tolle (who I am sure you know) said we all carry pain bodies. I know you said in a conversation that you are not afraid of getting hurt. I have found that as humans, we all have fear regarding love scenarios. So my explanation is there are reactions and aversions you and I are having due to those vibrations (which I can go into detail later). You may also have a situation that is unaccounted for that I have no knowledge of, such as a current lover, work, etc. I am only assessing what is on the table from my limited perspective.
I am sorry I did not hear from you as I wanted the chance to explain what I have learned. I understand you not returning the call. Moreover, I do not want to contribute to a reinforcement of your pain body. So I am truly sorry if I have triggered you in some way or have shown you some level of being undervalued. I really appreciated your energy and you being a very attractive female. Cute!!
If I die tomorrow, I feel good that I left it all ‘on the table’ with this letter instead of beating around the goddamned dating barbed wire. Hope you understand my situation. And I hope it gives you clarity.
I am open to your thoughts and suggestions. I will possibly be opening a 1-800 customer service number to field your calls. ?”
uh?????? um????? oh.. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, let me date you..pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee?????
ME:
Hey –
I want to call but respecting your process is important to me. Maybe, I’m alone here but I miss you and there’s a lot that still seems unfinished and icky, for lack of a better word. The last time we saw each other was horribly heavy, filled with intense emotion, numbness and snot! So, before we randomly run into each other at some audition or $99 hotel (after midnight, of course) do you think we could sit in front of each other? or go for a walk? has enough time passed? It’s better to be honest and ask for what we want in life, right? (especially when it scares the shit out of me)…So I’m asking….
Congrats on the new album and Dj’ing gig (damn facebook).. you’ve been busy! 🙂
323 xxx-xxxx jic
come on… it can’t be worse than the last time we saw each other? 😉
c-
HIM:
NOTHING!! Well…I sure am sad.. but now I REALLY know? didn’t I know before? Kinda feel like Kid-guy here.. just one more try.. boo hoo.. SHIT!! I HEAR YOU!!!! Stop mirroring behaviors that do not work!! I GET IT!! FINE!!!!!!!!!!! Enough!!
HIM:
“Okay, so I wake up this morning and reach over for my iPod Touch which has “new message” flashing. I click on the link you sent me and I watch one of the sweetest, most joy-filled videos I’ve ever seen. You guys looked so happy and that song was so wonderful. You’ve started off my day in the greatest way possible….
“So, the message that was just for you is that you were positively glowing in that video. I mean that there was something vibrant/radiant about you, inside and out — so, I concluded that you are once again in love. Which kind of (in a moment of putting it out there) made me feel that I’m sorry I met you when I did, instead of not now. I knew there was something about you when we met, that you might be something special. But here we are, in a new form and format. And I’m fine with that. But if you ever change your mind…you should know that there’s some actor/lawyer/cupcake whore in NYC who thinks you’re both beautiful and joyful and who remains interested….
I’m now going to hit send before I change my mind.”
datinglatonyc 