may 31st, 2011

“Tell me a story”… she said…

The last conversation in person with my grandma was just minutes before I left the house to depart for NYC. She told me she loved me with tears streaming from my eyes. She’s grateful that my relationship with my mom is better and that we can talk to each other now.

“I adore her”, she tells me, “she’s a very special person and I love her very much”. She struggles a bit as her ees open and close one by one, her lids sticking together from the lack of hydration in her system. Her top lip sticks to her teeth and she’s complaining that her head is spinning but doesn’t want anymore medicine for it. “Enjoy your life!!” she perks up. “These are the best years of your life and not just dating but when you do date.. find someone that’s nuce to you and not a jerk. Ok, that’s all!”

The morphone helps her pain but makes her too drowsy though calms the vertigo. She lays awake, eyes closed bacuase “I can’t sleep” she whispers. “Keep watching out for me” I cry. “Tell Grandpa and Brett ‘Hello’ for me”. She just laughs. “I’ll always look out for you in my ehart. Don’t forget about me.” “I could NEVER, Grandma. I’ve been so lucky for all my time with you and our relationship. Thank you for accepting me and loving me, Grandma.” “All I have to give you is the love in my heart… that’s all I have”, she tells me.

Today is the last day I’ll ever see my grandma alove!!! I’m not supposed to know that!! WE are NOT supposed to know the Last Day!! It’s not the last day she’l be alive but it’s the last time I’ll see her. I feel she and I have been lucky to have had each other…maybe more my luck than her. I don’t know. Last week at the hospital I cried and cried the whole day and when I saw her she shewed me, “Don’t cry! I don’t want you to be sad”, she assured me, “Live Your Life! Be Happy!! I told her that I felt like I owed her an apology. “for what?”, she asked and I blubbered away… “I feel like I let you down for not being married, for you to not be able to come to my wedding, for never meeting my kids.” “Can’t you just find someone to marry?” she asked in her NJ way. “Grandma there isn’t anyone I’ve met so far that I want to be with someone for over a few weeks with lately so…” I shrugged. She just laughed.

I’m gonna miss her laugh. The way her entire body shakes and her extremely loud inhales to catch her breath.

I’m sitting on a plane on my way to NYC to explore a new chapter in my life. I feel we understand each other and have developed a tight bond; friendship; kinship. I have her hands!! She’s always with me. YOU are always with me. I’m gonna miss you, Grandma so very very much. I told her “if you DO have anything else you want to say to me”, “NO, that’s all” she interrupted. “well, if you do…then call me or write to me, you know I love mail…Anything you want to say, I’ll hear” I Love you!


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