Computer-guy thai night

I sit here on the bed in my mom’s home waiting patiently for a thai dinner brought to me by a man I met about a week ago. CRAZY!!

Yesterday we spent the most wonderful day exploring the Ellwood Butterfly Preserve in Goleta as my offered suggestion in the continuation of the lifecycle of the Monarch butterflies and our budding “relationship”. There was absolutely no taboo subject. We spoke of other people we are struggling with, dating, had dated, loved and we were never in search of the next word spoken. Our silence was golden as we sat on a log mystified by the fluttering movement in the Gum trees ahead. The flow in which the flying insects circled in the thermals searching for the partner to take respite in shielding from the cold was invigoratingly calm if that even makes sense. We strolled through the pathways until our tongues met for the first time on the edge of the end of the earth.

Angry neighbor had done a number on me as I was reaching my door to embark on my adventure up north, screaming at me about again, about how horrible I am and how non-apprecative and disgusting I am that I didn’t acknowledge or thank him profusely for bringing flowers home from a job that I could plant in the front yard. I’m really a shit!! AND THAT’s WHY I’m SINGLE!! Whatever, angry man!! That was a wonderful way to begin my SB adventure! An hour later than I had anticipated, dropping my car in front of my dad’s since it was the most middle of where we came from and were going! Computer-guy had his own “issues” with a recent “angry-crazy” so we spent the first hour or so regaling the lovely tales of our past mistakes.

He’s really handsome! His eyes sparkle something beautiful! His teeth are a bit fucked up but that’s his own self conscience limitation. Imperfections are endearing to a point and he’s cute! He’s wearing cargo pants, a red thermal under a ‘t’ and his Venice Beach silver glasses.

There was no subject too great for us! And the story begins!

I better hit the bath to pretty up for my thai dinner! So weird that I didn’t even really have to think about it too much… just WOW… I’m going to bring someone to my mother’s filth? Her space of cluttered pain? Well, at least it’s not my home… yet! Though I did lose my virginity in the next room… CRAZY!!


Producer/Writer-Wife Guy

After months of not hearing from him at all… he’s appeared and I’m pissed off!! I get a text “Hi. Hope you’re well” to which I respond “Thanks, who is this by the way. My phone didn’t give me the contact info”. “P.D. your fav buddy” and this shoots daggers out my eye balls!! I don’t respond. Another text from him a few hours later with :(( sad faces and still no response from me. Another the following day “well, anyway… we are shooting a wonderful film in LA and I thought you’d be perfect for it. My blood curdled!! and I just lay into him.. “Thanks. But really I have heard that offer from you too many times over the years and unfortunately you have never honored that. I’m not interested in keeping up dialog with you. I don’t trust it, sorry. I would have loved to have done any one of the films you told me about throughout the years or claimed to be writing parts for me in if I thought you were treating it is a business endeavor, P. That was how we met over 6 years ago, if you remember… Business!! Which just turned out to be inappropriate communication while you were with your girlfriend, turned fiance, then cheating on your wife. I don’t want any part of that. Which is why I erased your number from my phone.” OHHHH I was pissed offfffff!!!

“huh?” I thought you’d be wonderful? and my number got erased? Totally confused. Last time I saw you… we had a nice visit at Aroma Cafe on sunset. Haven’t see you or talked to you since 😦 ” 4 hours later… because I did not respond.. “Soooo did I do something to make you mad?

No response!!

2 days later… “god bless” from him and that was it!!

What pisses me off is that there is still that part of me that wants to believe that he will do the right thing and follow through on all the promises he made throughout the years. He;s written, directed and produced 20 films since we met. 20 FILMS!!! and asked me to or claimed to have written parts that never materialized in 4 of them. And it SUCKS!!! Because maybe with all this time passed… a few years.. MAYBE he WOULD actually do right! My hope for that to be the truth is what makes me sooooo angry! But every time we saw each other it would be followed by weeks, months of texts from him telling me how much he missed me or that he was in love with me or that if I had ever told him I had feelings for him, he would never have gotten married, that she meant nothing to him.. GROSS!!!!! It is sooooo sleazy it makes my stomach turn! And even more because we actually got along sooo well that if we had met under different circumstances, I would have loved to have been in a relationship with him but when we met I was just barely out of a super sad breakup and he had a girlfriend, which didn’t seem to stop him in the slightest as even sitting at our first lunch, which I thought was to talk about his projects and my place in them, he texted my phone… sitting with him… how much he was attracted to me. It made me sooo uncomfortable but the hope that he would make good on his words, the fragile vulnerability I was feeling and the actual “connection: of friendship we were establishing, kept me around.. at a distance, mind you, but around all the same. I always felt bad for his now wife… knowing that he could have such strong feelings for someone else, me and still marry her. God, I hope he’s treated her well because he didn’t speak too wonderfully about her.. nothing negative but rather an indifference and I never wanted to be thought of that way by anyone!

OHHHHH I wish it could have been different! ALL of it!! Fuck!! and Fuck off!!!

Am I actually building boundaries or just carrying around old anger?

Valentine’s Day.. hooray!

What a lovely twist of events to bring a smile to my eyes this evening. I was to have a brief break between appointments and stuck in Santa Monica with only the dread of stagnant traffic looming. With a few “good deeds” (coffees for a few from down the block, a dog retrieval, cupcake reward) I was back to Starbucks (NOT my first choice, btw) to meet Computer-cherish guy for a few minutes before braving the parade of red lights before resting my fingers on these keys and my stuffy head on my pillow.

He said he’d have a “surprise” for me. Not eatable or bulky but flat and 5×7…I didn’t even have to get out of the car… how could I resist? His penmanship is strong, bold! He passed me a card he made with picture he had taken while we strolled through the Venice canals a few days before and tickets to Disneyland for Valentine’s day. How super sweet indeed! “Anytime” was all it said inside. He was nervous to see me, yet calm on the outside… he said so. We hadn’t even hugged hello. There’s an ease with him I enjoy and don’t feel I have the energy to question.

With traffic still piling up and 2 cupcakes staring us in the face, we decided sushi was the best option. He held the box as we crossed the street and made it to a middle table inside the bustling child-infested restaurant. We talked about just about everything under the sun and he kept revealing his interest and surprise of the flow of subjects that seamlessly fell from our mouths. We spoke more on the subjects of “cherish”, burning-man, drugs, dates, exes, future, goals, friends, children, families, dancing and strong partnering, the roles of men and women in today’s society and where they get blurred, learning in general and much more that my brain is stopping me from remembering at this moment. He tells me he’s “nervous” around me and enjoys the newness feeling. He wants to make-out with me but I’ve made it clear that I would prefer a clear breathing passageway before that was to occur. He understands but is less than thrilled by this. He wants to hold my hand or touch my skin but refrains, this I can tell. We talk of allowing ourselves to “be” rather than forcing what we believe or perceive we “should be” to fit the ideals of others. He’s bothered that no one gave me flowers on this day, Valentine’s day. He’s embarrassed as I pay for dinner when he realizes he didn’t bring his wallet since we were only going to meet for a 15 minute cuppa rather than a ‘drive-by” window toss and dinner was never in the cards. He ran 9 blocks to meet me in time as the traffic was ticking the clock and our time was to be short. Actually parked his car and RAN to meet me for a few minutes. He would’ve preferred the rain coming down as the romance in that was greater than he could’ve imagined… it was cold enough, though.

This one’s a keeper… so far at least 😉

Laid back NY – guy

I choose the place and the time since he says he’s new to the area. I guess I wanted a bit of effort made? so what you’re new, do a little research, make a little effort and step up! He apologizes for his lax attitude and claims he will take the reigns when we are in front of each other but this did not happen. He didn’t look at me most of the time when he spoke to me rather off in the distance, (this reminded me of Straps, eek but not as severe. Someone said that could have been from nerves… maybe? Neither of us were feeling 100% so I chalked it up to that, I guess? After our brunch I suggested a stroll around the area to show him the sights; the Grove, Farmer’s Market, etc. He was down with it but really had no push to put forth extra effort. I was attracted but unimpressed. I gave him number anyway to see if he would put forth the effort to get it together to ask me out for a second date.

He’s in between jobs, homes, cars.. in transit in just about every part of his life at the moment. That might just work for me for the moment.

Computer-light guy

Cherish – a : to hold dear : feel or show affection for b : to keep or cultivate with care and affection : nurture
2: to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely

A word that changed his life after looking it up when he realized he had heard it too many times at friends’ weddings and found it usually went unnoticed.

Burning man is in his being, setting up camps, planning, co-existing in a creative world that was once and will never be the same again.

His dad was not fit after the Vietnam war left him with PTSD and with a fairly absent mother, he was left to fend for himself as were his 2 younger sisters.

He works for Apple, programming, while his left brain exudes creativity through photography. Moonlighting with a couple of DJ’s, he has figured out a way to program certain lights to sync to the beats they throw down from the comforts of his Ipad. A quest for knowledge of the intricacies of technology adds to his thirst for beauty.

We met at the parking lot entrance of Venice Beach. “the pier or the nature reserve?” I believe were my choices. I spun around in circles until I pointed to the left. His eyes were light blue, a thick head of locks beginning to grey atop his tall frame relieved me as my curiosity grew. Coffee was a must after my class and to begin this “meet and greet” of sorts and a stroll along the pier. We sat on a bench watching the birds flock to the newly caught fish tossed for their belly-filling pleasure. He’s sweet, calm, interested.

There were a few lulls in the conversation but that’s to be expected when only in the proximity of mere moments, though the flow was constant as we veered left, right, over and under a barrage of topics. Nothing was taboo, not even suckling the milk from a woman at a pretend “milking station” at a state fair.. like I said.. nothing was off limits.

It was easy, maybe because I wasn’t feeling 100% so the pressure to preform was released or just the confidence I had in myself in those moments? Whatever the case, I felt content just being me, without apologizing for it.

Our cups emptied and our stroll continued through the canals, passing by the few remaining caterpillars in the reserve. Still free-flowing our endless stream of consciousness.

With our winding footsteps finding our way to Abbott Kinney and our bladders filling, we stopped to gorge on veggies and empty our space at Lemonade. 3 hours passed and still we were engaged. Not a bad way to meet a new…

I took him back to his house in Santa Monica as he had walked from a Marina Burning Man meeting and was left without. He had to light up the stage that evening at a rave, I guess, later on, which I was invited to but with the sickness entering my nasal passages, I took a rain check.

I’ll see him again 🙂

Breaking the Unavailability pattern??

How do I possibly break a pattern that I’ve grown to know so well since… well, the only thing I actually know as a model for relationships?? It’s like giving up a part of me, even though this part is not helpful in my life anymore. I know the reasons I have this “addiction” and I guess admitting that you have a problem is the 1st step. HI, I  am an unavailable-aholic?

My mom lives in a bubble void of any real connection protecting herself from feeling too deeply for the fear that fear will set in. I’ve pushed and kicked and screamed and poked at my mom all growing up and still do. Last New Years she revealed to me that an ex-friend of hers told her that she was “impenetrable”. That was told to her over 30 years ago and nothing’s changed. And growing up, my dad would mentally, emotionally and physically check out for 3 days at a time when he was upset or uncertain of how to communicate, pushing me as far away as possible when the only thing I wanted was to be close. Being shut out is my comfort.

I am attracted to those who do not give me the attention I deserve ad shut out those that want to for my own feelings, fears of people, mainly men, getting too close and finding out that I am not as wonderful as others perceive me to be or tell me I am. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a pity party… I’m a pretty wonderful person.. AMAZING. On my own. You put someone else in the mix and don’t know how to be myself anymore. And when I finally do feel comfortable either they or I am not attracted anymore for the most part.

I had a crush on a guy from 2nd to 9th grade. We went out in 3rd and 4th grade. I cornered him in a bedroom at a party and asked him why he didn’t like me anymore. He said “You can’t just  (snap) snap your finger and you like somebody and (snap) snap and you don’t. I just don’t.” Even though I understood it intellectually.. the  “challenge” or unavailability of him made him more interesting somehow.

The first guy I really fell in love with lived in Australia. We met while traveling. I was 26. We fell in love in a day and a half driving in the outback. And it was the best it could ever be because we had a definite end date. We had no time to waste being anything else. And we just loved! It was the first time that I ever felt 100% me 100% of the time. He’s married with 3 kids now, still living in Australia.

I “didn’t date” a guy that was born without feelings, weird condition. He’d spend 4 nights a week at my place torturing me with his unavailability since he was a boss of mine and his lack of feelings didn’t allow him to cross the line. We didn’t have sex but we would lie on top of each other fully clothed, mouths touching and have hours long conversations, but we were never dating.  Intimate, yes but only kissing and a lot of dry humping that lasted about a year. I stressed myself out so bad that I had stomach pangs so severe I thought they were ulcers. About 6 years later he admitted he did have feelings and that we really did sort of date.. News to me, but nice to know. Thanks!

My longest boyfriend was with an addict that got sober 1 year into our 3 year relationship. So the first year was his last year of fun. We were soooo in love. It was a struggle because of the uncertainty, revelations and demons. The next was his first year of sobriety which has as many pushes and pulls, the more he pushed the more I wanted to pull; a pattern I’m too familiar with, thanks dad.  My needs were not met but it was OK, I understood. Our last year was filled with distance and frustration and though we still love each other 5 years later, we broke up so he could be a better person for himself. How could I not be supportive of that? Instead the stress of trying my hardest to not be a burden the last few months since everything made me feel like I was a burden, including breathing… I gave myself vertigo so debilitating that I was nothing but a burden. It was ok.. We broke up 3 weeks into it and I laid on my couch unable to move my head for 3 months. I did work up to standing for 20 seconds at a time without feeling nauseous and faint. I  still get it from time to time.. oh goody!

I dated a pro ball player for a while… a guy that plays games for a living. Talk about unavailable!! I gave myself eczema. When I asked him years later why he didn’t ever try again with me or any of the other guys that felt like they made a mistake breaking it off and he said ” we could  never do it. We know we’ve hurt you and even though we went off to work on ourselves and may be ready for a relationship we could never try again with you because we know we would just end up hurting you again, because we know what you deserve and we don’t think we have the ability to give that to you.” Pretty fucked up, that fear shit, huh?

My 96 year old grandmother told me a couple years ago that we were a lot alike. ‘How so, Grandma?”  “We don’t really NEED anyone in our lives”. And that made me sad. Because Unfortunately that’s true, to some degree. My mom apologized to me, also about a year ago for raising me “too independent”. I can DO anything myself and if I can’t I’ll figure out a way to do it with the most efficiency. but that doesn’t leave room for anyone else to swoop in and help or be a part of. So I don’t ask for help. And IF I do.. It’s because I really need it but most of the time, unfortunately I don’t get it so again, I don’t ask. Why take the constant disappointment? Isolation is waaaaay better. Though I have a need to be acknowledged and included… I rarely include others. Crazy!  I’m better one to one than in groups because I want to make sure that everyone feels comfortable and gets along… that I’ll rather be the odd man out so no one else feels that way. And one to one.. I get more attention? Can you say “control issues?”

Guys didn’t ask me out growing up because they thought I wouldn’t like them or I was already with someone so I spent most of my time alone or pushing people away for fear that they only liked me because I had big boobs, or for what I could give them or do for them.

I compartmentalize. When I’m dating or meet someone new they get a title, Straps, Angry Neighbor, Baggage Claim guy, Lawyer-kid guy, Tongue-guy, Shakespeare guy, Rambles guy, Jewelry Lawyer guy, Car guy, Football guy etc.. and when or if it goes anywhere.. they I use their name and then when it ends, they get a new title.. usually a different one from the one they began with.

Someone told me that it’s like I put things or people in a box… which is interesting because i developed a “Box Theory” when my brother died, now 16 years ago. My parents wanted me to write down a speech to say for this funeral so I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to say and I told them I didn’t know what I wanted to write because I wasn’t standing up there yet. I asked my dad on the was to the cemetery if we could name my brother’s Foundation “Brett’s Heart?” And my dad said it was his lungs that were the problem and I said, “ya, but it was his heart that made him so special.” He was born without pulmonary arteries. Ya, I know. After the funeral and copious amounts of drugs that friends and family shoved in my pockets to numb me, which I didn’t take. I wrote down the speech that tripped out of my mouth, burned into my brain, word for word and I thought of this “box theory”. My brother was buried in a wall in his Star Trek uniform, the red one, the formal one.. he had 2 that my grandmother made for him for the conventions. In here was also John Williams music; a taco, rice and beans from taco bell, star wars action figures, a picture of the family and a penthouse magazine. He was 25. And at the end of your life and you’re put in your box or cremated and spread around or wherever you go.. you’re in there by yourself. You can’t take anything with you. It’s just you in your box, no one to answer to, to judge you, compliment you, smile at you… so you have to happy, content, ok with YOU, the life you lived because in the end…it’s all you got. And last January when celebrating my Grandma’s 95th and my other one’s 89th I stood up and in my speech commented on the fact that women in my family don’t die. Truly. We have some special genes, I guess… so whatever I do in this world… I sure as hell better be happy about it because I’m gonna be here a long long time.

So why when knowing this do I still continue to seek what does not fulfill me and allow me my happiness? Habit? I’m too good for that. Why do I still allow my fears to over-run me? Fears of not being good enough, or smart enough, or there’s not enough time to address or the ability to sit in uncertainty? If it’s not done now… if I don’t have control or do it myself then giving space seems to mean a negative outcome even pushing it so fast that I push people or situations over the edge without allowing the space to grow. In due time? What’s that? why not do it on MY time? I have all the answers, am most always right, which is true, by the way…

Why do I not believe that I am worthy of happiness?

Why do I fear when I let someone in to my inner circle, uncovering my flaws, seeing my mistakes…? Everyone’s got them, right?

Boundaries were not my strong suit. They were a foreign concept since my mother didn’t have any. When my parents split as I turned 15 I chose to live with my dad because he HAD rules and structure.

I’ve been screamed at for the fact that I don’t like milk, almost thrown from a moving car for a sandwich that had “smelly cheese” on it and both of these guys… I couldn’t wait to lie next to these “boys” and have them call me their own.

I guess going to New York and dating in a new city was to wear new hats? Take new chances? Establish new boundaries that I’ve not been able to implement in my home town. I could be anything I wanted to be, live without the fears and insecurities that have plagued me for so long. But what I found was more dates, less personal boundaries and less judgement for myself or any of the bozos I met. I attached myself to ones that had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.. even making up stories of coincidence and chance meetings being fate. I’ve stalked in the past. It’s true. Now its sooo easy with all the accessibility to people’s lives through Facebook, Google, texting. and I’ve never felt so lonely at times as I do with all the “connectivity”.

I had sex with 2 different guys in high school because that’s what they said they wanted for their birthdays and since the balloon I brought to one wasn’t apparently enough and the other one drove me home after school… I guess I had to say OK, right? One guy came to my house undressed, went down on me, stuck it in and was dressed and out the door before the clocked changed a minute. He wrote in my yearbook… “you were easy.. I mean to talk to.” I think he was a virgin. I pretended I had to leave too so I got in my car, drove down the block and cried. I got pregnant and had to count back a few since I didn’t know who’s it was.

What did sex =? love, acceptance, borders, vessel?

A friend pointed out that the one person that was vacant or unavailable for me is now showing up! A man that was going to miss a milestone birthday that he insisted I had to spend with the family and not go out of town or off with some friends, then decided he was going to miss it himself so he could attend a seminar. a seminar on family values, mind you… is showing up for me. My dad! Mentally, physically and emotionally. This could be a turning point?

My latest is a guy that I met at baggage claim as he travels for a living.. literally has been in his own bed about 10 days in the last 2 months. We communicate mainly through brief texts which I get so excited to receive as I feel I’m thought of?? Im not sure about this one. He’s in town as of yesterday and though wants to see me but “there’s a lot of football to watch”. NOW, his job is sport’s related so I get it but… if you only have the chance to see me for a few days a month or every 2 months… then… I don’t know… wouldn’t you feel a bit more interest in actually looking at each other face to face? Or did I meet someone as unavailable as I am? Hell, I think that he travels is a GREAT thing!! I have a job where I can be flown out of frequent flyer miles from time to time and I’ll be in New York again, which is where he pays rent. AND to make things better… he may become a host of a travel show and be traveling MORE than ever!! WHY??? Do I repeat the patterns that do not serve me in a productive way??

A couple days ago I contacted a guy that I went out a few years back that bailed on me after noticing that he was more interested in his job than a relationship at that time. “Im no good at relationships”, he says.. I hear something about “beating the challenge”. He was the first guy that ever got me to think about having a children WITH someone. He had plans of being in congress and flying to Sacramento a couple days a week and how would I handle the kids? What our Saturdays would like, Jewish traditional foods, etc… And this was the first date.. I just wanted dinner! Still heartbroken when he bailed. He takes my calls for Lawyer stuff ’cause he knows he fucked up. But at least he was honest AND I heard him. Heartbroken but listening. I am learning.. SLOWLY.

I kept myself from being too happy as a kid because my brother couldn’t do everything I could because of his challenges.

Baggage Claim guy… you suck!

So really? You’re going to let this go? You’re not in a place to be with someone that you met, are attracted to, can communicate with and enjoy spending time with but for whatever your reasons of taking things too quickly in the past and that you want to set up roots in ny, you’re going to let this go? You suck!

And I suck even more for really caring at all! All this does is feed my unavailablity need to be discarded and feel insecure. I think I’m ready to break this pattern already… Well… Maybe not last night but today, sadly yes. you’ve been erased from my phone contacts. The over 500 text messages, discarded! The hope that you would step up? Ok… Not passed, yet. But it’s a start.

The hours and days of anguish to make myself speak up for me passed last night when yet another text was received “you in class?” answered “nope, just out of dinner”. and over 90 minutes later followed up with “guess I missed out again. I’ll be back in a few weeks, see you then, hope you’re great!” was answered with a phone call from me.

BC: How are you?
Me: Um.. Good
BC: How was dinner?
Me: It was nice.
BC: I just had a meeting with my sponsors to figure out away to keep me in the country.
Me: And?
BC: Marry American. I have a friend that did that and now has 2 kids.
Me: Works for them, I guess.
BC: Yay, if thats what you’re looking for for your life.
Me: Yup. I hear ya. Why don’t the teams sponsor you?
BC: Trying to get my show to do it.
Me: Cool, that shouldn’t be to difficult, I mean they need you to be here so…
BC: yup, thats the plan. Ok, so you’ve been good?
Me: Yay, I’m just… I’m confused…
BC: About what?
Me: What’s the deal? Why did we not see each other while you were here?
BC: Um, well, I guess I didn’t make you a priority. I mean if I’m not going to lie, I didn’t make you a priority and that’s why we didn’t see each other.
Me: Yay, got that, thanks for saying it. Just not sure what happened.
BC: Well, I think I needed to spend more time with me and do my own thing then to hang out with someone new. And I didn’t need to see some one new. To be honest I havent seen ANY new girls I’ve met recently. So it’s not just you… It’s just where I’m at right now.
Me: Ok.. So why didn’t you just say that?
BC: Well, I mean we’re not dating or anything. I don’t owe you anything
Me: No, we’re not but why say you want to make plans and but then just ignore me and disappear? What’s the point?
BC: Yay, I guess that isn’t really cool of me to do. I guess I knew what I needed to do for myself but didn’t communicate it to you. To be completely honest I haven’t really communicate with any of the new girls I’ve met lately. I broke off something in september with some I was with for 5 months because she wasn’t, well I shoudlnt have been with her and we started strong and it moved really quickly and I didn’t want to do that again. After I broke up with her and focused on my own shit my career took off, I got this show, big things have happened and really…? You live here and I want to set up roots in new York and think I should just be by myself right now. And I probably should have just said that to you.
Me: I know we’re not dating but not communicating any of this to me is not ok. We all have our shit. And to tell you the truths it doesn’t really matter where you live or I live since you’re not really anywhere anyway. I mean haven’t you spent more time in LA than in NY since we met?
BC: Ah, no… I’ve been more in Canada.
Me: So it doesn’t really matter in my opinion. All we are trying to do is to get to know each other, not date or be in a relationship. Whatever happens it’s just getting to know each other and I guess in a way, I’m getting to know this side of you and it’s kinda sucky,.
BC: See this isn’t really even me
Me: I know this
BC: I just..
Me: We all come with our own shit. I get that. See I have a pattern, too. I’m interested in guys who are unavailable and…
BC: Well, it’s not that I’m unavailable it’s just, I mean it’s maybe not serving too well, right now cause go home alone every night.
Me: That you’re not interested or don’t like me enough and that ok as long as you tell me. I can handle whatever communication as long it’s communicated to me.
BC: Well, I mean maybe it’s not serving me too well because I go home alone every night.
Me: I mean you haven’t been really…. Wonderful ( why couldn’t I have just said… Disrespectful, shitty, like crap… You’re being an asshole??? What was I trying to salvage? Is this the kind of guy I want to date? Someone who does not make me a priority?)
BC: Oh, i can’t say that I haven’t been wonderful. I probably should have told you what I was thinking instead of just not saying anything.
Me: Yay, that’s not treating me wonderful. I mean what’s going to happen when I’m in new York in April? You just going to not talk to me again?
BC: I don’t know. I’m glad you called me on my shit and made me talk about this.
Me: And I thank you for letting me say it to you. It not like I wanted to talk about this now. But you know you weren’t getting off that easy, don’t you? Its something I really liked about.
BC: What?
Me: you was that you called me on my shit, twice.
BC: Well you kinda set of the tone with you text to me..
ME: Which text?
BC: The one about seeing me in April.. The passive aggressive one.
ME: Well, that was in response to you
BC: I get it. Communication.
ME: Yup. Both of us.

His phone cut off a few times in this conversation.

He said he was staying about 5 minutes from me

ME: Really? You’re that close and youre not going to see me? Come for a walk with me.
BC: When?
ME: Now.

BC: If I come over I only have about an hour and I’m just going to ravage you.
ME: Ok. Come for a walk then.
BC: You really want me to come over?
ME: Yes, I’d like to see you.

He was at my door in about 7 minutes with a mini cupcake and a beer, which was to share so we didn’t drink to much. He had a flight to catch and I was working on set. He pilled me onto my oversized chair and kissed me within 3 minutes of entering my apartment. We kiss well together. He aggressive and energetic, thrusting his tongue, pulling me in close…

We made our way into the bedroom. He began to. Close the door.
ME: I live here alone, you don’t have to close the door.
BC: You have a king size bed?

And he threw me down.

There’s definitely a strong attraction but i wasn’t going to go too far… How far is too far? Sometimes I’m not sure. He’s persistent and horny as hell… He’s alone all the time. He’s sexy in a brute kind of way with an infectious smile and energy to match.

Soooooooo… Now, today, the morning after, I feel like crap. I deleted his texts and contact info doing my better to believe I’m worth more.

Angry Neighbor Guy…REALLY??

So we had a make-out session from the heavens and I’m more horny than all get out!! I knocked on his door to…really?? I can’t even lie.. I wanted to calm down as I was finished with all my preparations early and still had about 30 minutes before my goddaughter and her mom came by so we could make dinner and I guess I was thinking…”MAKE-OUT”?? Well, that and to smoke a tiny hit of pot since that ‘s something I do not do very often… once or twice a year. Why today? Why now??? I’ve been masturbating a few times a day thinking of the things I’d love him to do with me. Really?? Who am I?? I wasn’t going to write that part, the truth, in here. That I really went upstairs to smoke a hit of pot with him as an excuse to make-out with him. I’m fucked up!! 🙂 Why do I need excuses except for the rejection fears that plague me at times!!


As I write this he’s just knocked on my window angry because the laundry room in locked and wants to borrow my key so he can bitch and not go upstairs to grab his! He’s hot!! What the fuck is wrong with me???

So anyway.. I go upstairs to… and he has just been out with some girl that maybe he’s dating or wants to or whatever… but since I let her in the front door I know that they were out together which actually kinda turned me on a bit as he pulled me on top of him to watch tv. He grabs my ass as I straddle him, his lips on my left cheek it’s on. I lean into him. Eyes closed. Lost in the moments to follow as “Guess your lunch date didn’t do it for you, huh?” He giggles, embarrassed, which turns me on even more, wetter and increasing excitement as he reaches for my bra cupping my nipples in his mouth as our bodies are like magnets. Our tongues are in harmony as the clock ticks on, breaths increase, our rhythm in sync. My eyes remain on his lips as to drive me more crazy feeling his excitement grow, literally under my moist jeans. Hearing his moans as I pulsate on top knowing that each slight slither increases his movement under me. He tries to push me down but time is not on our side as he reaches down unbuttoning my jean barrier. “Do you HAVE condoms” I utter in his ear. “Yay” and I’m thinking my goddaughter and her mom can’t be here yet but knowing that we really don’t have the time to do what I want him to do to me. The hours I’d love to spend with his lips on my body. I see out the window…their car. It’s been 30 minutes and I can’t keep them waiting especially since I left my phone in my car. “I still don’t know if I can have sex with you”, he breathes as I smirk at him. “It’s a lot of compication where I live. I just don’t know what would happen if I did. “Aren’t you afraid of what would happen if we didn’t?” I ask as I get up, reassemble myself and bid him goodbye!

Later that night… he comes to my window, a bit tipsy, after my guests have gone. I let him inside. “I’m sorry for…” “”What?” he asks… “well for taking things a bit too far… actually I’m not”, I shy away into finishing my latkas for the morning’s holiday breakfast. “I’m not sorry either”, he says “It’s just.. I know how I am and I want to adore you for a bit longer. We genuinely like each other. IF we had sex then I would want it to be exclusive and like we’re really in it and I don’t know right now.” OK that’s sweet, when you think about it. He actually genuinely likes me and doesn’t want to fuck things up and knowing himself as I’m sure he does… actually having sex with me will make it lose it’s intrigue, the excitement, become complicated since we are 2 of 8 living in the building. AND I get it! Truly!! But with all his anger issues I don’t WANT to date him! I just want to have sex with him. And SURE… I’m probably kidding myself into thinking that I don’t want more but at this point with the way he is and the issues I SEE him dealing with and HOW he deals with them I don’t want that for my life, for my children.. my made-up future children that I may not have too much time to have without complications of being older and spawning.. SHIT!! AGAIN… What’s wrong with me?? I have one guy that I want to have sex with that is unavailable and another that I would love to get to know but is really unavailable and has shown me that he doesn’t have a desire to pursue or the time and desire, whatever… And these are the 2 I am stuck on??

“So what would we be doing if we went away for New Years?” I ask him. “I’d fuck you silly!”

Angry Neighbor Guy… why am I sooooo attracted to you?

It’s shitty to think that the ones I’m attracted to most are the ones that are not the best selection for me.  The unavailable either by location or using distance to distance, so physically void or better still… emotionally, where by they state over and over and over that they have issues or blatantly state and cover so the “mystery” I guess is the intrigue? For fuck sake! I’m tooooo old for this pattern to continue.

We’ve lived next to each other for a year now and the chemistry is palpable. The space between or the “danger” is intriguing. MY BODY wants to sit on him really hard!! And feel his man-hands handle me. I think about it and I ooze. NOW… I KNOW he is NOT the best selection for me and within the last year I have been able to get to know different sides of his personality, which is the BEST way to get to know each other with a separation of sex… but the thought of him picking me up over his head while kissing me on the way down and throwing me onto the bed, couch, WALL… pinning me to the wall.. yes please!!! IS overwhelming at times and I have to do whatever I can to keep my distance for the fear, I guess of magic taking place with a guy that is pretty fucked up in his own life.

THIS is not what I’m looking for… well, the chemistry and physical.. YES, PLEASE!!! But the emotional crap that winds him so tightly that anger is his escape… THAT’s not what I want for my life. This pattern brought on by your father isn’t working for you anymore!!!

I tried to have a strictly physical relationship with him for the last month I was in LA and he couldn’t do it! I know we are both attracted to each other and the sexxxxxx would be amazing, we both do but I think he’s holding out for more and in a way.. that kinda sucks because I know that this is how it would be. He gets frustrated, can’t hear me, bottles up his anger until it pours itself on every part of everyone around him, struggling financially because fear takes over, using his past as the excuse to keep him from and keeps him from being truly a happy, well adjusted man that is capable of loving and supporting a beautiful family. THAT SUCKS!!!

But holy crap I want him to fuck me silly!

Baggage Guy… where are you?

After about 3 weeks of knowing each other we have developed this sort of pattern, if you will, where communication is frequent. I have logged about 350 texts in this time and we’ve seen each other 4 times. If I didn’t respond within a few hours or even that day I would receive a text “do we need counseling” which I quite respect because he’s calling me on my shit! And he’s right!! Without trying to be, I can become passive-aggressive when feeling pushed aside. And when I ask a question that takes a few hours to respond to regarding plans or such after quick responses then nothing… I will also take a while to respond. THIS has proven the fact to me that we BOTH require adequate communication.

So when I get brushed off, even though I KNOW what kind a week he’s having and the schedule he is maintaining for a nap… WHICH I know he needs or sickness will set in from exhaustion… it kinda sucks! OK, that being said… he did swing by for 15 minutes for a hug before he set off again. Good, check!

AND when after a long plan ride to his next destination, a text follows where a question is answered and asked, then I reply and ask a follow up question and I hear nothing… nor the following day… nor the next… I begin to panic! I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I have no desire or rational reasoning for retreating into a self hole of self pity, depleted esteem and lack of worth. It’s just some guy I met at baggage claim. Whom is unavailable do to job preference and career forwarding. After the 3rd day… I couldn’t stand it! I was crying in my car, yes, I will admit this. Fuck! And going over and over in my head what could’ve gone wrong, what I could’ve said, done, the energy I would have pushed him away with… etc… and I sent out a quick text “do we need counseling of naps?” which to me was calling him out on HIS shit of not responding, letting him know that I was questioning and feeling a lack of response all the signs I got from him when he text me similarly for the same reasons. A few minutes later I received an email telling me that it was to expensive to text from Canada and that all was well. SOooo I KNOW he received the text, or at least don’t think it was such a coincidence that he’d send me an email so quickly after I sent my text and for some reason… I felt immediately better. How fucked up is that?? I felt connected and not pushed aside even though the email was distant (my perception) and lacking welcoming into his life… I was satisfied with SOME sort of communication.

OH, I feel desperate and girly! Insecure.. hey, why do I equate desperately insecure to GIRLY? That’s one I’ve not really taken into account. I’ll have to think more about that one…

To continue… Now we’ve had a few brief and when I say brief… I mean his emails are not answering my piqued interest in his life with more than “all is good” of some crap like that. What happened to the quick wit and clever repartee that sparked the interest in the first place? NOW I KNOW…. I canNOT call him on MY insecurities or I will lose him for sure and I know that we’ve only known each other a month now with most of that time apart so…. again… MY shit!! BUT… I KNOW that or really FEEL that “too expensive” is just a cop out, a way to keep a distance since he’s going to be traveling more than ever come the new year and his fears are starting something with someone that he won’t be available to anyway… so WHY DO I STICK AROUND??? Ahhhh!! This seems to be a running theme for me! The unavailable!! There’s got to be a way to change my thoughts or self worth, which I do feel is shifting to an extent.. maybe not as fast as I’d like but there is a shift a happenin’.. to allow me the person that will understand and be grateful that he’s found someone as cherishable as me. Bring it!!! or Move on! (that’s to me)