So really? You’re going to let this go? You’re not in a place to be with someone that you met, are attracted to, can communicate with and enjoy spending time with but for whatever your reasons of taking things too quickly in the past and that you want to set up roots in ny, you’re going to let this go? You suck!

And I suck even more for really caring at all! All this does is feed my unavailablity need to be discarded and feel insecure. I think I’m ready to break this pattern already… Well… Maybe not last night but today, sadly yes. you’ve been erased from my phone contacts. The over 500 text messages, discarded! The hope that you would step up? Ok… Not passed, yet. But it’s a start.

The hours and days of anguish to make myself speak up for me passed last night when yet another text was received “you in class?” answered “nope, just out of dinner”. and over 90 minutes later followed up with “guess I missed out again. I’ll be back in a few weeks, see you then, hope you’re great!” was answered with a phone call from me.

BC: How are you?
Me: Um.. Good
BC: How was dinner?
Me: It was nice.
BC: I just had a meeting with my sponsors to figure out away to keep me in the country.
Me: And?
BC: Marry American. I have a friend that did that and now has 2 kids.
Me: Works for them, I guess.
BC: Yay, if thats what you’re looking for for your life.
Me: Yup. I hear ya. Why don’t the teams sponsor you?
BC: Trying to get my show to do it.
Me: Cool, that shouldn’t be to difficult, I mean they need you to be here so…
BC: yup, thats the plan. Ok, so you’ve been good?
Me: Yay, I’m just… I’m confused…
BC: About what?
Me: What’s the deal? Why did we not see each other while you were here?
BC: Um, well, I guess I didn’t make you a priority. I mean if I’m not going to lie, I didn’t make you a priority and that’s why we didn’t see each other.
Me: Yay, got that, thanks for saying it. Just not sure what happened.
BC: Well, I think I needed to spend more time with me and do my own thing then to hang out with someone new. And I didn’t need to see some one new. To be honest I havent seen ANY new girls I’ve met recently. So it’s not just you… It’s just where I’m at right now.
Me: Ok.. So why didn’t you just say that?
BC: Well, I mean we’re not dating or anything. I don’t owe you anything
Me: No, we’re not but why say you want to make plans and but then just ignore me and disappear? What’s the point?
BC: Yay, I guess that isn’t really cool of me to do. I guess I knew what I needed to do for myself but didn’t communicate it to you. To be completely honest I haven’t really communicate with any of the new girls I’ve met lately. I broke off something in september with some I was with for 5 months because she wasn’t, well I shoudlnt have been with her and we started strong and it moved really quickly and I didn’t want to do that again. After I broke up with her and focused on my own shit my career took off, I got this show, big things have happened and really…? You live here and I want to set up roots in new York and think I should just be by myself right now. And I probably should have just said that to you.
Me: I know we’re not dating but not communicating any of this to me is not ok. We all have our shit. And to tell you the truths it doesn’t really matter where you live or I live since you’re not really anywhere anyway. I mean haven’t you spent more time in LA than in NY since we met?
BC: Ah, no… I’ve been more in Canada.
Me: So it doesn’t really matter in my opinion. All we are trying to do is to get to know each other, not date or be in a relationship. Whatever happens it’s just getting to know each other and I guess in a way, I’m getting to know this side of you and it’s kinda sucky,.
BC: See this isn’t really even me
Me: I know this
BC: I just..
Me: We all come with our own shit. I get that. See I have a pattern, too. I’m interested in guys who are unavailable and…
BC: Well, it’s not that I’m unavailable it’s just, I mean it’s maybe not serving too well, right now cause go home alone every night.
Me: That you’re not interested or don’t like me enough and that ok as long as you tell me. I can handle whatever communication as long it’s communicated to me.
BC: Well, I mean maybe it’s not serving me too well because I go home alone every night.
Me: I mean you haven’t been really…. Wonderful ( why couldn’t I have just said… Disrespectful, shitty, like crap… You’re being an asshole??? What was I trying to salvage? Is this the kind of guy I want to date? Someone who does not make me a priority?)
BC: Oh, i can’t say that I haven’t been wonderful. I probably should have told you what I was thinking instead of just not saying anything.
Me: Yay, that’s not treating me wonderful. I mean what’s going to happen when I’m in new York in April? You just going to not talk to me again?
BC: I don’t know. I’m glad you called me on my shit and made me talk about this.
Me: And I thank you for letting me say it to you. It not like I wanted to talk about this now. But you know you weren’t getting off that easy, don’t you? Its something I really liked about.
BC: What?
Me: you was that you called me on my shit, twice.
BC: Well you kinda set of the tone with you text to me..
ME: Which text?
BC: The one about seeing me in April.. The passive aggressive one.
ME: Well, that was in response to you
BC: I get it. Communication.
ME: Yup. Both of us.

His phone cut off a few times in this conversation.

He said he was staying about 5 minutes from me

ME: Really? You’re that close and youre not going to see me? Come for a walk with me.
BC: When?
ME: Now.

BC: If I come over I only have about an hour and I’m just going to ravage you.
ME: Ok. Come for a walk then.
BC: You really want me to come over?
ME: Yes, I’d like to see you.

He was at my door in about 7 minutes with a mini cupcake and a beer, which was to share so we didn’t drink to much. He had a flight to catch and I was working on set. He pilled me onto my oversized chair and kissed me within 3 minutes of entering my apartment. We kiss well together. He aggressive and energetic, thrusting his tongue, pulling me in close…

We made our way into the bedroom. He began to. Close the door.
ME: I live here alone, you don’t have to close the door.
BC: You have a king size bed?

And he threw me down.

There’s definitely a strong attraction but i wasn’t going to go too far… How far is too far? Sometimes I’m not sure. He’s persistent and horny as hell… He’s alone all the time. He’s sexy in a brute kind of way with an infectious smile and energy to match.

Soooooooo… Now, today, the morning after, I feel like crap. I deleted his texts and contact info doing my better to believe I’m worth more.