After about 3 weeks of knowing each other we have developed this sort of pattern, if you will, where communication is frequent. I have logged about 350 texts in this time and we’ve seen each other 4 times. If I didn’t respond within a few hours or even that day I would receive a text “do we need counseling” which I quite respect because he’s calling me on my shit! And he’s right!! Without trying to be, I can become passive-aggressive when feeling pushed aside. And when I ask a question that takes a few hours to respond to regarding plans or such after quick responses then nothing… I will also take a while to respond. THIS has proven the fact to me that we BOTH require adequate communication.
So when I get brushed off, even though I KNOW what kind a week he’s having and the schedule he is maintaining for a nap… WHICH I know he needs or sickness will set in from exhaustion… it kinda sucks! OK, that being said… he did swing by for 15 minutes for a hug before he set off again. Good, check!
AND when after a long plan ride to his next destination, a text follows where a question is answered and asked, then I reply and ask a follow up question and I hear nothing… nor the following day… nor the next… I begin to panic! I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I have no desire or rational reasoning for retreating into a self hole of self pity, depleted esteem and lack of worth. It’s just some guy I met at baggage claim. Whom is unavailable do to job preference and career forwarding. After the 3rd day… I couldn’t stand it! I was crying in my car, yes, I will admit this. Fuck! And going over and over in my head what could’ve gone wrong, what I could’ve said, done, the energy I would have pushed him away with… etc… and I sent out a quick text “do we need counseling of naps?” which to me was calling him out on HIS shit of not responding, letting him know that I was questioning and feeling a lack of response all the signs I got from him when he text me similarly for the same reasons. A few minutes later I received an email telling me that it was to expensive to text from Canada and that all was well. SOooo I KNOW he received the text, or at least don’t think it was such a coincidence that he’d send me an email so quickly after I sent my text and for some reason… I felt immediately better. How fucked up is that?? I felt connected and not pushed aside even though the email was distant (my perception) and lacking welcoming into his life… I was satisfied with SOME sort of communication.
OH, I feel desperate and girly! Insecure.. hey, why do I equate desperately insecure to GIRLY? That’s one I’ve not really taken into account. I’ll have to think more about that one…
To continue… Now we’ve had a few brief and when I say brief… I mean his emails are not answering my piqued interest in his life with more than “all is good” of some crap like that. What happened to the quick wit and clever repartee that sparked the interest in the first place? NOW I KNOW…. I canNOT call him on MY insecurities or I will lose him for sure and I know that we’ve only known each other a month now with most of that time apart so…. again… MY shit!! BUT… I KNOW that or really FEEL that “too expensive” is just a cop out, a way to keep a distance since he’s going to be traveling more than ever come the new year and his fears are starting something with someone that he won’t be available to anyway… so WHY DO I STICK AROUND??? Ahhhh!! This seems to be a running theme for me! The unavailable!! There’s got to be a way to change my thoughts or self worth, which I do feel is shifting to an extent.. maybe not as fast as I’d like but there is a shift a happenin’.. to allow me the person that will understand and be grateful that he’s found someone as cherishable as me. Bring it!!! or Move on! (that’s to me)