It’s shitty to think that the ones I’m attracted to most are the ones that are not the best selection for me.  The unavailable either by location or using distance to distance, so physically void or better still… emotionally, where by they state over and over and over that they have issues or blatantly state and cover so the “mystery” I guess is the intrigue? For fuck sake! I’m tooooo old for this pattern to continue.

We’ve lived next to each other for a year now and the chemistry is palpable. The space between or the “danger” is intriguing. MY BODY wants to sit on him really hard!! And feel his man-hands handle me. I think about it and I ooze. NOW… I KNOW he is NOT the best selection for me and within the last year I have been able to get to know different sides of his personality, which is the BEST way to get to know each other with a separation of sex… but the thought of him picking me up over his head while kissing me on the way down and throwing me onto the bed, couch, WALL… pinning me to the wall.. yes please!!! IS overwhelming at times and I have to do whatever I can to keep my distance for the fear, I guess of magic taking place with a guy that is pretty fucked up in his own life.

THIS is not what I’m looking for… well, the chemistry and physical.. YES, PLEASE!!! But the emotional crap that winds him so tightly that anger is his escape… THAT’s not what I want for my life. This pattern brought on by your father isn’t working for you anymore!!!

I tried to have a strictly physical relationship with him for the last month I was in LA and he couldn’t do it! I know we are both attracted to each other and the sexxxxxx would be amazing, we both do but I think he’s holding out for more and in a way.. that kinda sucks because I know that this is how it would be. He gets frustrated, can’t hear me, bottles up his anger until it pours itself on every part of everyone around him, struggling financially because fear takes over, using his past as the excuse to keep him from and keeps him from being truly a happy, well adjusted man that is capable of loving and supporting a beautiful family. THAT SUCKS!!!

But holy crap I want him to fuck me silly!