So we had a make-out session from the heavens and I’m more horny than all get out!! I knocked on his door to…really?? I can’t even lie.. I wanted to calm down as I was finished with all my preparations early and still had about 30 minutes before my goddaughter and her mom came by so we could make dinner and I guess I was thinking…”MAKE-OUT”?? Well, that and to smoke a tiny hit of pot since that ‘s something I do not do very often… once or twice a year. Why today? Why now??? I’ve been masturbating a few times a day thinking of the things I’d love him to do with me. Really?? Who am I?? I wasn’t going to write that part, the truth, in here. That I really went upstairs to smoke a hit of pot with him as an excuse to make-out with him. I’m fucked up!! 🙂 Why do I need excuses except for the rejection fears that plague me at times!!

As I write this he’s just knocked on my window angry because the laundry room in locked and wants to borrow my key so he can bitch and not go upstairs to grab his! He’s hot!! What the fuck is wrong with me???

So anyway.. I go upstairs to… and he has just been out with some girl that maybe he’s dating or wants to or whatever… but since I let her in the front door I know that they were out together which actually kinda turned me on a bit as he pulled me on top of him to watch tv. He grabs my ass as I straddle him, his lips on my left cheek it’s on. I lean into him. Eyes closed. Lost in the moments to follow as “Guess your lunch date didn’t do it for you, huh?” He giggles, embarrassed, which turns me on even more, wetter and increasing excitement as he reaches for my bra cupping my nipples in his mouth as our bodies are like magnets. Our tongues are in harmony as the clock ticks on, breaths increase, our rhythm in sync. My eyes remain on his lips as to drive me more crazy feeling his excitement grow, literally under my moist jeans. Hearing his moans as I pulsate on top knowing that each slight slither increases his movement under me. He tries to push me down but time is not on our side as he reaches down unbuttoning my jean barrier. “Do you HAVE condoms” I utter in his ear. “Yay” and I’m thinking my goddaughter and her mom can’t be here yet but knowing that we really don’t have the time to do what I want him to do to me. The hours I’d love to spend with his lips on my body. I see out the window…their car. It’s been 30 minutes and I can’t keep them waiting especially since I left my phone in my car. “I still don’t know if I can have sex with you”, he breathes as I smirk at him. “It’s a lot of compication where I live. I just don’t know what would happen if I did. “Aren’t you afraid of what would happen if we didn’t?” I ask as I get up, reassemble myself and bid him goodbye!

Later that night… he comes to my window, a bit tipsy, after my guests have gone. I let him inside. “I’m sorry for…” “”What?” he asks… “well for taking things a bit too far… actually I’m not”, I shy away into finishing my latkas for the morning’s holiday breakfast. “I’m not sorry either”, he says “It’s just.. I know how I am and I want to adore you for a bit longer. We genuinely like each other. IF we had sex then I would want it to be exclusive and like we’re really in it and I don’t know right now.” OK that’s sweet, when you think about it. He actually genuinely likes me and doesn’t want to fuck things up and knowing himself as I’m sure he does… actually having sex with me will make it lose it’s intrigue, the excitement, become complicated since we are 2 of 8 living in the building. AND I get it! Truly!! But with all his anger issues I don’t WANT to date him! I just want to have sex with him. And SURE… I’m probably kidding myself into thinking that I don’t want more but at this point with the way he is and the issues I SEE him dealing with and HOW he deals with them I don’t want that for my life, for my children.. my made-up future children that I may not have too much time to have without complications of being older and spawning.. SHIT!! AGAIN… What’s wrong with me?? I have one guy that I want to have sex with that is unavailable and another that I would love to get to know but is really unavailable and has shown me that he doesn’t have a desire to pursue or the time and desire, whatever… And these are the 2 I am stuck on??

“So what would we be doing if we went away for New Years?” I ask him. “I’d fuck you silly!”