Sometimes I have a bad days!! Should I have answered the phone when he called??? probably not!! Not my best move when getting to know someone but I did and venting a bit about my day and felt better for it but probably left him feeling less satisfied with it and me than I was in the end. Arrrrrrghhh!!! shifting my energy and the moon and it’s phases and pulls and thrusting, spiraling in many directions and few are in positive control at the moment. Pooo! Fuck!! Ahhh!! Oh, well… if he’s scared off by THAT?? then there’s nothing more to say! Doubt he’s scared but our schedules are not congruent at the moment with him back home in NY and me here, now in LA with the added stressors I put on myself since no one is forcing them on me, it’s interpretation and coping with perceived actual reality. I don’t feel really connected to him though that is me and my perception since he’s just going about his merry way and his happy, charming life. He prefers texting and I would rather talking so I guess when he does call… I shouldn’t spoo a list of crap at him which he has no context for or knowledge since most nothing has to do with him except that sometimes I feel disconnected and needy but burdening someone I’ve really known for less than 3 weeks with that… maybe not the best idea! Hope he calls back! And doesn’t think I’m a huuuuuge freak and that we are still doing whatever he planned for us for tomorrow when he comes into town. And if not… oh, well! Well, now I’m lying.. cause I’d like to see him. He usually makes me smile…when he’s connected to me at least! I mean I know he was traveling last weekend but I heard more from him when we were both traveling than when he’s been back and I DO get it with all the events he’s put on and meetings and such but a little shout out isn’t a difficult task to keep the interest and spark alive, especially when the anticipation can build beautifully… OK.. can we say.. EXPECTATION?? Yeah! I’m fucked!
UK tenant – guy disappears?
Out of sight out of mind, huh? Weird how we can go from talking for hours every day for 3 weeks to absolutely NO contact in the last few weeks since we’ve both been back. I guess that it was one-sided after all but this is just disappointing for even a friend.
awoke a bit angry, agitated…grrrrrr!
Last night I went to a recommended “erotic” series on-acts show to watch for content and format. Neither were anything to write home about. There was one woman who danced around partially clothed wearing an apron pretending to bake a cake to an outlandish song about… baking a cake. As she was miming her heat displeasure as she opened and closed the imaginary oven door, she took items of clothing off until she whip creamed her tits and pussy revealing her creamed body to us as the grand finale. THIS was not one of the worst ones. The overweight strip teaser, the mock erotic radio shows voiced by the hostess of the evening and some older guy talking about sexual positions between them and even adding “sister wives” to join in the fun. There was an “embellished” blond woman slightly past her prime, praying to the lord each time she mentioned her young hot stud and his promise to “go all night’…thank you, thank you, thank you lord, thank you”. The highlight were these 2 woman impersonating lower class, cholas from the barrio rapping about some baby daddy loser! They were Fabulous!! I had that rap in my head and for a moment didn’t feels so jipped out of my $20. And I brought someone to boot! I felt dirty and a bit pissed off to say the least. Why would my friend think that this was a show I should be watching? Got me out of the house, though..?
Our second stop was to Jeffery’s in the West Village to say goodbye to some folks that worked there before I head back to LA next week. It was packed so rather than waiting… my friend wanted a “proper Manhattan” and we were off to Employees Only on Hudson. My lady parts were not engaging in “happy, let’s get drunk” vibes. His 4 drinks to my 2 and we were dancing in the crowded bar, engaging with some locals and I was hearing all about how we’d not work out in a dating sense. Now this was all well and good, though I kept reminding him about the girlfriend he was living with and that I wasn’t interested in dating him, which he also got as he was scoping out the room for my viable options. A drunk wing-man…. I need not!
Without being rude, I was hoping to go back to Jefferey’s alone to sit and relax, catch up with the bartended, manager and waiter I had befriended, so I thought, on my last 2 visits. I was walked there by my drunk friend and we sat down for one more drink before I cut him off and sent him to his Girlfriend’s bar. He was a bit slurry and red-faced 5 Manhattans in without food to coat.
Once he stumbled out I had a chance to sit and catch the vibes that I wasn’t as welcomed as the last time I was there when the waiter and I took up space and tipped me over the mountain with one last drink at a neighboring pub. The bartender took great care of my needs of delicacy and banter… a making of a lovely friendship-connection. when the night of Halloween came to an end, the waiter had supplied me with the one too many, stomach turning libations and even a poorly planted kiss in which I remember him saying “that’s not a real kiss” falling on drunk ears, whipping my head around and almost tumbling off the stool as I attempted to feign sober. I knew as that last drink was placed on the bar… I should NOT partake. Do NOT drink this! Tell the bartender sorry, I’ve had too much and I will gladly pay to not drink it… but nooooo drank it I did. When the Jefferey’s tender joined us, he had become quite affectionate (from the cold standoffish ways of the night’s beginning), which MAY have irked the waiter after the failed kiss attempt, who knows?? I know we quickly all stood up from our chairs and the waiter was in a taxi without as much as a goodbye, leaving the tender and I parting ways with a taxi flag and the question “so now where you going?” coming from him. “I’m walking home”. “I’m not walking all the way to the East Village” as the taxi door was opened. “OK, I am”, I replied. “Guess we part ways here, then?” “Guess so”, as I smiled, waved and headed across 7th Ave. I did manage to make it home somehow after my long swirvy, way too many stops to regroup before the straight line was attempted again. I managed up the 2 flights of stairs with no landing, into the door, boots off, coat dropped, sweater thrown down and head in the toilet with the heated seat. I may even have washed my face with the bidet water.
That hang over took 2 days to heal and a week for the cold caught as well. Not one of my best nights.
I texted the waiter an apology, which he replied I wasn’t that drunk… all was good, nice of me to stop in… and I thought we were good. But as I could tell from my less tahn warm reception last night… Something changed! I had gone from this woman who was intriguing to them with extra care and treatment given to barely a hello from the waiter and the bartender forgot my name, was a bit of a dick and all my drinks were charged.
Now I know I should not take it personally but I do! For some reason in my brain, I had crossed over from just some chick, some customer into a sort of friend zone then cast backward to a less than ever meeting, wait in the back of the line place and that pisses me off!
My dreams awoke me with an angry dialog, made up in my head, of course about how like me out of pity and that I was old, wearing lady sweaters and an electric blue coat, feeling sorry for me and kicking me out. Not a great start to my day, let me tell ya! Not the taste I want left in my mouth after such a wonderful experience the last time! Kinda reminds me of the Malaparte crush, crushed! Don’t like the feeling! AND I didn’t even want to date these guys! Just felt like they had a poor opinion of me, which I’m sure is just me as they probably have NO opinion of me and that may be just as bad! Whatever!! Blech!!
have a crush on a guy I’ve not met…
what else is new… someone I crush on that isn’t available… seems to be a bit of my style all of a sudden.
car-guy… really??
Later… I got a text. “Just ate a bag of Jerky… mmmmm, meat. Sorry I ate your meat”
Car-guy afternoon awkward ride
OK.. Car-guy wants to see me before he goes off for the another Wedding weekend somewhere. We agree to meet near my old hood in Hell’s Kitchen. I was around the corner and he was DRIVING to Columbus Circle. He said he was a minute or so away and 15 minutes later, I was called to get him some change and that the “lights were taking a long time”. NOW we have seen each other what, like 4 or 5 times by now?? He has NEVER, not once been even close to on-time and seemed to have lied each time about why. I would have walked had I known it was going to be this much trouble.
“I have to dress up next time I see you,” he comments as he wears a track jacket and shorts, cap and tennis shoes. I think I’ve seen him in pants once and it was raining that day. No harm… “Or I get to stand near you in public next time you don’t” I joked. He’s got this weird thing about public displays of affection and I’m not talking making out on the street corner. Well that too, but I’m saying more like… don’t stand too close, rub up against or have ANY contact in the slightest while other people MAY be able to witness – kind of creepy. SO…WHERE ARE MY CLUES???
We find a parking place for the Mercedes that is NOT his since he’s borrowing it from the friend that crashed his car in the Hamptons a couple months back; illegal u-turns and down the street backing while lane changing… and I can see WHY his car would have been totaled. Actually it was a bit impressive, as scarey as it was to pretend I was not scared shitless. Walking to Columbus Circle, I in my Electric Blue Coat and heels and him in trackers carrying a shirt to be returned, we enter the “mall” and he says, “I’ll meet you in Crate and Barrel because I don’t want you to see me go off of these guys for making such a crappy shirt that I have to return after one wear. I’m gonna go OFF and you probably shouldn’t see that.” UM… The clue is WHERE?? I’m left to fend for myself in a mall of all places?? One of my LEAST favorite places on earth? FINE!
I attempt to walk around but angst sets in and I head to Whole Foods instead. Gosh, I really despise the mall. I text him that I will be in the chips section and to find me. When he texts back he says he’s looking for me so I come out to find him so we can go get lunch and I find him buying himself pizza because he “couldn’t find me”. Really? What’s the deal?? We had this issue 2 other times before when we were supposed ot grab a bite and he said he wasn’t hungry so I got something only to find that as soon as I ate my “tide me over snack” he was ready to eat or he “grabbed something on the way” another time. CLUE??? Anytime, here!! So, I ask him if we are still eating and he has “forgotten”. “Sure! But it has to be quick since I have to get to the plane.” Um..OK.. I’m STILL there, mind you.
We go upstairs to the mall’s “food court” and by this time it’s been about an hour after we were called to meet up for a bite and I’m hungry and a bit dissatisfied with the way this is going. We each order, him a quiche and myself a pulled pork sandwich. He says “we can share. It’ll be romantic”. I go with it, still smiling and hoping for the best. His quiche takes longer than he desired so he was getting a bit antsy and since I can’t touch him in public, I have no way to assure him it will be ok.
He takes a couple bites of his nuked egg souffle and about half of mine (since we’re sharing) which he liked better though complained it might hurt his stomach with all the sauce (to which there was not much of). Then he proceeds to pour 2 packets of salt on his quiche forgetting of course that we are to share it, offers me a bite after laughing “oh, guess I shouldn’t have done that, huh? It needed the salt though, it wasn’t very good.” Then snaked my last bite of meat out of MY sandwich and shoved it in his face. OH! THIS was NOT COOL! I instantly shot him a look which he took in as I sat there silent and in awe of the disrespect and lack of common courtesy. What an ASSHOLE! MY last bite of the almost half of sandwich I was almost allowed to scarf down because of his time restraint after being held off 20 or so minutes, been sent to get change, cast off to the depths of MALL-Hell, hungry and now my last bite stolen from my mouth?? REALLY?? CLUE..HEY if you’re there… PLEASE show yourself. Send me a sign that I’ve had enough of this one. Just ONE tiny glimpse of a sign!!?? ANYTHING!! I was STUNNED! “That was NOT cool!” were the only words I could get out. “NOT COOL!!” “What? there was barely any meat in there. You got ALMOST a half a sandwich. That should be enough for you. You weren’t paying anyway.” Again.. stunned!! Silent!! SIGN?? CLUE?? Come on!!?
As I walked NEAR him, on the same side of the street, back to the car with him now knowing by my head shaking, eyes down, arms crossed silence… That it was indeed.. not cool! OH YES!!! I’m still there. What am I thinking I’m gonna to salvage here and WHY?? This is NOT the guy!
“I can’t even touch you. Not in the car. On the street. Anywhere that is presumed ‘public’… That’s NOT OK with me” I manage to get out. “This is not our best time together”, he recoils. “What was your best moment of the last hour?” he tries to regain his footing. And I try to play along though I’m fuming, “I’ll go” he blurts out. “when I ate your sandwich was not the best part, though there wasn’t much meat left in it so… when I got my shirt replaced”. So much awkward silence filled those 20 blocks with him stressing about getting me back downtown so he could “make his plane”, which I found out was actually in Boston and he was picking up a friend to drive up together because the flights were cheaper and he hadn’t packed and REALLY?? What was I doing there?? “You know you can just let me out here, it’ll save you some time” I said. “No, I can’t just leave you on the corner” he replied. “No, you can. I love to walk and it will save time and I here would be just fine.” I continued. “Well, I’ll take you to the next corner”, he smiled like a puppy dog who knew peeing on the carpet was wrong. “OK, so That was FUN. Not one of our best days. And there really wasn’t much meat left for you to be mad at.” were the last words I heard him say as he kissed me on the cheek. “It’s really not about the meat”… And I closed the door and began walking home.
What is with me that I feel I have to be the “nice girl”? not to “rock the boat”? Afraid that “he” may not like me that keeps me in situations waaaaaay longer than I really need to be? HAVE I gotten it yet?? the SIGN?? the esteem shoved in my being?? ARGH!!
Crush crushed..
About a 2 months ago I wandered blurred eyed, cramped pains, ruffled hair and dragon breath into Malaparte in the West Village. Periods can be an awful beast! My eyes locked with one of the workers and my mood instantly changed. And with a quick trip to the bathroom…. so did I. Hair smoothed, mouth washed out, makeup under the eyes… removed. Start again!
It was crowded and threatening rain so a seat at the bar was the obvious choice. When I emerged from the bathroom after “fixing” myself the open seat had been filled. I was handsomely escorted outside to brave the weather since this was my first request anyway. There was only 1 umbrella covered table and it was occupied. There were no indivual lights on the tables as previuosly described to me and the air was thick on this early August evening.
I had revisited this restaurant after walking by a few weeks before and speaking with this lovely hostess for a some time. She was the reason I came back. Her spirit and humor put me in a friendly space. I may have found a new reason… or 2. The vegetarian lasagna being one of them… yum!! YUM!! holy crap yum! And one of the owners… super YUM!!!
Long locks pulled in low pony, sparking eyes and a cool, calm demeanor. I was hanging out for sure! I had nowhere else to go. I had napped too long to want to spend my night indoors, the beautiful garden at my apartment was dark and soon to be drenched so… I stayed. And stayed. And stayed. I was basicall alone in dark but I didn’t mind because I had an envelope and a pen.
I wrote out my thoughts, frustrations, desires. And when I ran out of space, I was brought some paper by the waiter. Drips of warm water dropped upon my white table cloth, missing the ink from my thoughts. A few others braved the weather though under the umbrella. Every once in a while… HE would take a breath from the chaos inside.
It took a while, maybe an hour or two. I was a sort of respite it seemed. He would step closer with each break, inquiring of my writings, commenting on my next step of drawing comparing it to an artist he knew of; making sure I was well taken care of. At one point one of the bussers were sent out to hold my umbrella while it rained on my meal. He shared bits from his life each time my pen was placed on the table. A brother who’s successful and sister who’s not as happy with her decisions and him in the middle, grown up in Italy and the mid-west. A bond was forming of some sort; a trust. I felt this with each person that shared with me in various capacities in the almost 6 hours spent dining.
When I left, most of the employees gave me hugs but he stood at the register counting the days’ profits. I was sure that he would follow me out and ask for my number or race after the pink umbrella like in the movies. I got all the way home. Alone.
A couple days later after a long search, weeks, for this particular west Village coffee shop that seemed to disappear when walking west to east, it happened. I was grimy and disheveled from a yoga class and a summer walk… I found it! Jack’s on 10th! And as I walked in… there he was staring at me. My crush! What are the odds? The one day I actually find the joint and he’s sitting right there. Not at place down the street from his resturaunt or close to his home but the one place I’ve been in search of… amazing! One may even call… fate!
He walked me out and we talked all the way to the corner where we split ways… again with no number exchange. He seemed interested still. Why does he not ask me for my number? Maybe he’s shy.
A few days go by and I am a few hours from heading to JFK to go back to LA. My time was up and I was going home. I felt it necessary to write a Thank You note to the restaurant for taking such great care of me the night I was there. Well, that and to show them all how wonderful kind and thoughtful I was. I know this not even too deep down. I was grateful, though for the warmth and family like acceptance I felt so every one I was in contact with, got a personalized note of gratitude. HE was no exception and not an obsession though he was dreamy! I let them know I’d be back in a few weeks and thanks for the times spent so far! I was regretting that there was no contact info left for me, in case he DID want to reach me for some reason; no last name… ok… could be a bit creepy as I think about it now.. my thoughts not gesture.
When I get back to NYC a couple weeks later and wait another week or so… of course I stop by the place thinking there would be this wonderful reunion and everyone would thank me for the kind note and he’s have missed me and thought of what a fool he was for not making a move…ok, sometimes I live in fantasy because not only was the reception cold… no one remembered me at all. At least not what I looked like. I was told by the bartender that the note was sitting on the register and no one was too sure who wrote it. I knew the guy who held my umbrella, the hostess and HIM… knew who I was. Of course, the hostess was let go and the busser was back in Italy.
Now I feel a bit foolish as I had brought a friend, whom I told about the place and who had visited while I was away so they know her but not me. Great impression I made, huh? I didn’t even get a “hello” from him or as much as a glance. I did get a “oh, you look a bit different, you’re back”. Not the warm reception I was hoping for; that I had built up in my head!
I went back one more time a month or so later and was greeted with the same vacant excitement.
I saw him a couple days ago while I was crossing town and he was on his bike. I almost called out to him but what was the point? so instead, I went to the restaurant later that night to ask him some stupid question and I could feel the “you’re creepy” vibe coming from him as he couldn’t get away from me fast enough, barely making eye contact, short choppy answers and I was out of there! What’s the point? Crush? Crushed! OR Reality in check! Next!!
fireman-guy cleansing…
So Fireman guy is going through a cleanse, if you will. Ayurvedic by nature, life changing by means. He’s finding it difficult to cope with the questions of “why the changes?” and “what’s the reason for seeing it through?” in a nutshell. He seems to be clinging stronger to me in this moment desiring a shoulder to rest or someone to say it’s ok to not finish the mission of self. I am not this person. Asking me, in some jest, to go away with him so he can be alone to work it all out. THAT is not my role for him. And too bad because he has some qualities I enjoy and the others.. not so much.. Finding myself in this moment in a struggle with where I am to be, what I am to be doing, with whom (be it by myself or with others) reaching out too much, being ok with where I am without the constant force of “what’s next?” or “must do more” and balancing the other side of pure seclusion and depression, which is a fear. I guess if I choose to live my life with less fear, then I have to embrace the times I choose to be depressed or lonely? It’s in those times new questions come up for me and usually when out of the wood-works truth comes. I’m quite poetic in this moment, if I do say so, which I will… myself!
My cousin is in town and recently engaged. He’s finding struggles with “Is she really the one to spend my life with?” NOW I, would not be considering marrying anyone or living with anyone unless I was interested in being with them for a looooong period of time. So the mere fact that he’s questioning this person in such harsh anxiety would be a red flag for me. Funny that I dated his fiance’s brother, which did not work out for many reasons some or most of which I still have to set in this forum. BUT it’s like the only thing really want to know about when I’m around that side… “WHY didn’t it work out? Is he really that strange?” YES! He’s probably one of the most insecure people in his own skin that I’ve dated and THAT does not make a great combination with me. I will roll over you. It’s not my intention but unless you are strong with who you are.. I will test you, push you (maybe to put up walls if I REALLY want to get into it… another time) but if you do not know who you are, you are not for me.
afternoon reflections on Car-guy
It’s all my own shit! Baggage of sorts. Gut feeling. Games!! Next, Next. Next!The thoughts flood in or better, I choose to let them infiltrate my being. Taking over. Like a weird switch.. went from “morning gorgeous”, “penny for your thoughts”, “good morning you hot, witty bike woman” to missed and delayed responses.
NOW you would think that we had established some sort of pattern or relationship by the way my head spins.. but NOOOOOOOO.. I only met him last week and we’ve only spent a few hours together AND that was a bit odd in the end.
Not my first time at the rodeo. I’ve dealt with the ones who come on strong initially then fizzle out at the same speedy rate. Not MY deal. NOT my issue. But I have to question my own behavior in all this. My motivation, beliefs, comforts and oppositions. What’s my part and why do I feel so rejected when they back away? Even for a moment? Something’s screwy!
car-guy throbs
so… now it’s a couple hours later and I get this text “U have me throbbing FYI”. “Is this referring back to the window display?” I reply. “referring to me being really really hard for u @ this moment”, he responds. “You were kinda abrupt on yr exit and after yr nap. Thought you spooked. Please don’t send me pics of yr throbbing”, I continue. “I would never send a pic like that.” Why such an abrupt exit?” I ask. “Just a time crunch 😦 I’m sorry.” he says. “Weird change of events from.. All free all day to swim or nap to.. can’t barely speak to u… gotta go. Just saying,” I say. Then the phone rings. “You can’t talk to me?” thought I spooked you.” “You don’t spook me. You don’t deserve that. I was in a rush, I’m sorry.” It was a switch and really abrupt, kinda icky”. You don’t deserve icky, I’m sorry.” OK. Thanks. Did you get everything done?” “Almost just downloading something now can I call you back?” “Sure…” and gone! Well, I guess I get a quick chance to see the “business side of him?
datinglatonyc 