fireman-guy cleansing…


So Fireman guy is going through a cleanse, if you will. Ayurvedic by nature, life changing by means. He’s finding it difficult to cope with the questions of “why the changes?” and “what’s the reason for seeing it through?” in a nutshell. He seems to be clinging stronger to me in this moment desiring a shoulder to rest or someone to say it’s ok to not finish the mission of self. I am not this person. Asking me, in some jest, to go away with him so he can be alone to work it all out. THAT is not my role for him. And too bad because he has some qualities I enjoy and the others.. not so much.. Finding myself in this moment in a struggle with where I am to be, what I am to be doing, with whom (be it by myself or with others) reaching out too much, being ok with where I am without the constant force of “what’s next?” or “must do more” and balancing the other side of pure seclusion and depression, which is a fear. I guess if I choose to live my life with less fear, then I have to embrace the times I choose to be depressed or lonely? It’s in those times new questions come up for me and usually when out of the wood-works truth comes. I’m quite poetic in this moment, if I do say so, which I will… myself!

My cousin is in town and recently engaged. He’s finding struggles with “Is she really the one to spend my life with?” NOW I, would not be considering marrying anyone or living with anyone unless I was interested in being with them for a looooong period of time. So the mere fact that he’s questioning this person in such harsh anxiety would be a red flag for me.  Funny that I dated his fiance’s brother, which did not work out for many reasons some or most of which I still have to set in this forum. BUT it’s like the only thing really want to know about when I’m around that side… “WHY didn’t it work out? Is he really that strange?” YES! He’s probably one of the most insecure people in his own skin that I’ve dated and THAT does not make a great combination with me. I will roll over you. It’s not my intention but unless you are strong with who you are.. I will test you, push you (maybe to put up walls if I REALLY want to get into it… another time) but if you do not know who you are, you are not for me.

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