the goodbye letter… Lawyer-kid guy.. oh geez.. here we go…


C-

Ultimately I think we both loved the idea of each other. I think we are both good people. I think we had a difficult time communicating. I think your weaknesses as a person play into my weaknesses as a person and do so in a way that make it difficult to be together. You recharge by being alone unwoken and untouched and I recharge by being together woken and touched.
Most of our values are the same but some of them are not. Our mutual insecurities about being wrong translate into the need to constantly feel right and those things do not play well together.
It would take effort. Maybe too much effort. It would take a deep acceptance that each of us needs to be warmer, closer, nicer and more supportive and understanding than we are now and maybe than we could ever be. Maybe too deep of an acceptance too.

At the same time, inside you and inside me are those two people… that unstoppable powerful perfect couple  with open hearts on the rock in the sunset watching the birds while keeping eachother from freezing their asses off. There is enormous respect for eachother. There is unrelenting comitment to doing what we think is right for eachother. There is the need to “show up” for each other in our own way. There is a perfect balance of logic and emotion on one hand and of expression and reserve on the other.
We unquestionably absolutely want the same things. The beautiful loving life with kids, family, travel, smiles, hapiness and fun. The building of our futures together – with someone. There is a cautious but mutual willingness to compromise somehow, some way.

I think that captures us. I think those are the scales as they are presently balanced against eachother. It seems to me that if we got some help the scales could be balanced perfectly.

However, you are done. If so, there is nothing I can do about it. I just want you to know that each and every time I have told you that I love you… It was to your core… The real you… “Irregardless” of anything.  I know that despite your comments about my being a poor father? and needing “help” as a person that you loved me too and that you do see the amazing confident strong and loving person amazing man and father that I am too.

No hard feelings C. We tried. Like you say… Who knows what the future holds. In the meantime, when that day comes that I meet you on the corner in Venice, or wherever I don’t want to be lawyer guy or kid guy or stalker guy (if that’s what you think) I want to be the guy that you really did give a piece of your heart to, that charished it and protected it while it was his and fought to keep it when it no longer was.

Baby, I tried. I know in your way you did too. The door is always open to you sweetheart. I wanted to talk and you said that we could. If that no longer feels right then I will move on as you ask but please know that you are a special beautiful girl and there is something between us that I think will always be.

J

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